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November 24, 2022 7:36 pm  #2091


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Pink, Abby and Janey. 

Pink posted: 

1. Thank you Sean. Sorry for my very long post before. I don’t see my situation as being that bad, but I’m wondering if that’s because he’s told me that. When I tell him what he’s said and done to me over the years he says that didn’t happen or he doesn’t remember it the same way I do. Or he just outright accuses me of making it up.

"Bad" is a largely relative term and, as Abby shared, it's up to each of us to determine whether to stay in a relationship or leave. However, based on the information you've provided, I do believe you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a severely disordered husband. Again I'd urge you to determine if you are indeed in an abusive relationship by finding a qualified therapist and/or perhaps reaching out to a group for abused wives. This link may help. 

2. This may sound foolish of me but I’m not ready to give up yet, I do give as good as I get (I try to) and at the moment I’m just pretending everything is going to get better. I just feel I need to know if I’ve been used all these years as a cover for him.

That's fair but, thinking of your children, I wouldn't wait too long to address what's fundamentally wrong with your husband and your relationship. 

3. That would explain the toxicity of our relationship. I guess it’s like closure. If he is gay in denial I really want to help him come out...

That's never going to happen my friend. I've been exchanging posts with straight wives here for years and I have yet to encounter a straight wife who lovingly participated in her husband's coming out. The relationship is just too fundamentally unsound. It would be like a kind bartender (the straight spouse) trying to help an alcoholic client (the gay husband) stop drinking, or perhaps like the friendly casino dealer (again her) attempting to help the chronic gambler (him) stop gambling. So what's my point? From the beginning, the closeted husband / straight spouse relationship is often based upon a lie: namely the husband claiming he's straight. While they both want this lie to be true and often spend decades pretending it's true, the closeted husband's porn habits and cheating (with men) eventually break through their collective denial. So they're at a crossroads. Moreover, he's painted himself into a pink closet corner with decades of lies, emotional abuse, and cheating. Based on my exchanges here, he will only come out under the following two cirumstances. Scenario 1: while still married he eventually finds a new boyfriend, secretly starts building a life with this new man, and then unceremoniously dumps his wife in an "I've moved on" type of way. Scenario 2: he continues to claim that he's bisexual, shifts all the blame onto his unsuspecting straight wife, somehow convinces himself and others that he had no other choice but to leave the marriage because she was the toxic partner, and then starts dating...another woman! He's so trapped in his closet that he simply cannot take any responsibility for his dysfunctional marriage because to do so would force him to address his sexuality issues. He convinces himself that his wife is the cause of their sexual dysfunction and relationship issues. He then uses this as evidence he needs to exit the marriage, but only after he's scouted out another straight spouse victim. So what's my point? Based on my exchanges with straight spouses over the years, the closeted gay husband only fully comes out once separated and divorced from the woman he lied to for decades.        

4. ...so that we can both move on with our lives. It unsettles me to think we could break up and his secret is still safe. This isn’t fair on anyone especially our children. I mean, they deserve to know the real identity of their own daddy.

I'd also think about whether it's fair for your children to be raised by a father who routinely abandons them, lies to their mother, is clearly struggling with his own sexuality, and was recently arrested for domestic abuse. 

5. This seems so cruel how anyone could do this. I know you’ve said it’s not intentional, but for him to hide things proves he knows he’s doing wrong.

Fair point. 

6. So that kind of does make it intentional in my opinion. I feel like I’m going round in circles but I want to keep posting as this forum is helping me. I really hope more gay spouses have the heart to come out like you did.

Take all the time you need my friend. 

Janey wrote: 

1. Sean - I can’t thank you enough, This thread is so helpful! Pink lady I have the same issues as you. Gaslighting is common place in these relationships it seems and I too often find myself reeling thinking is it me or is it him?

I'd offer you the same advice as I offered Pink namely: determine if you are indeed in an abusive relationship by finding a qualified therapist and/or perhaps reaching out to a group for abused wives. This link may help. 

2. All I can offer is that your spouse can’t  tell you how bad your situation is or how you should feel as you are the one living it. I often get told the same ‘he gives and gives and can’t give anymore’. As though I’m some kind of drain on his energy - it exhausts me!

I'm so sorry you're suffering my friend. 

3. I agree closure would help me move on too. If he’d just say ‘I’m gay’ then at least I’d have a choice to make. At the moment it’s only fence sitting worrying ‘what if’.

That "coming out" Disney moment ain't never going to happen my friend. Best to determine what you want in a husband and, as Abby wrote, determine: "Whatever he is, he isn't for me." 

Good luck everyone. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 25, 2022 1:29 am)

 

December 6, 2022 4:25 am  #2092


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hey everyone just thought I’d pop on and update you all on my situation. I can’t make sense of it myself. I had a good few days where I felt strong and now I feel like crap again.

My husband and I were both unwell with flu last week so he took all week off work. Prior to that we had a conversation where I told him there was something seriously wrong with our relationship and I wanted out if nothing gets better. Just like the flick of a switch, he turned all calm and gentle towards me and our two children. My confusion began because I just thought last week you were thus angry man and now all of a sudden JUST LIKE THAT you are Mr Nice Guy. I think that proves he knows exactly what he is doing. His angry outbursts are only needed when he feels the need to keep me in line or where he wants me.
Anyway the other day me and my husband were chatting and he said to me that he has a feeling I think he’s gay. He then went on to tell me that he knows he isn’t gay because when he looks at women he “rates” them, as in “yes she’s my type, no she isn’t my type”
He also claims his mother said “you have always liked girls, son”.

Is it not weird that he felt the need to explain how he knows he’s straight? I mean, wouldn’t he just laugh it off? The thing is a few months back he told me how the builders and scaffolders at the road side ogle women and share their “type”. My husband of course said he doesn’t include himself in these type of conversations because he doesn’t have a “type”. Fast forward to now that’s changed.

The “I rate women” comment bothered me because I don’t think it’s something a man should naturally share with his wife anyway. I mean it’s made me feel like crap! So I told him this yesterday. He didn’t like that it bothered me, shouted at me, called me a C*nt and reduced me to tears AGAIN. Only 4 days ago he asked if I had someone else because I had changed my WhatsApp picture and been on Messenger!! I am so confused.

I guess the reason I’m sharing this is to see if anyone thinks this still means he could be a closeted gay. I’ve definitely been thrown off the scent and I’m beginning to think I’ve got it all wrong.

Thank you all - I really feel like you guys are all I’ve got right now.

 

December 6, 2022 5:28 am  #2093


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Pink. In reply: 

1. Hey everyone just thought I’d pop on and update you all on my situation. I can’t make sense of it myself. I had a good few days where I felt strong and now I feel like crap again.

I've often referred to this as his "pink merry-go-round" and I'm so very sorry you're suffering. I would again urge you to attend individual counselling or seek out a women's group to determine if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.  

2. My husband and I were both unwell with flu last week so he took all week off work. Prior to that we had a conversation where I told him there was something seriously wrong with our relationship and I wanted out if nothing gets better. Just like the flick of a switch, he turned all calm and gentle towards me and our two children.

This is actually quite common in abusive and/or gay-straight relationships. The straight spouse threatens separation/divorce and a honeymoon period begins. Unfortunately, the honeymoon is usually short-lived. 

3. My confusion began because I just thought last week you were thus angry man and now all of a sudden JUST LIKE THAT you are Mr Nice Guy.

This sounds like an act but, again, I'd urge you to review all of this with a mental health professional.

4. I think that proves he knows exactly what he is doing. His angry outbursts are only needed when he feels the need to keep me in line or where he wants me.

In my opinion, using anger and violence (his recent arrest) to keep you in line suggest you're in an abusive relationship.  

5. Anyway the other day me and my husband were chatting and he said to me that he has a feeling I think he’s gay.

Well I don't know of many straight husbands who have sex with other men in all-male naked saunas. 

6. He then went on to tell me that he knows he isn’t gay because when he looks at women he “rates” them, as in “yes she’s my type, no she isn’t my type.” He also claims his mother said “you have always liked girls, son”.

As I shared in a recent post, most closeted/questioning husbands are just constitutionally incapable of being honest about their attraction to men. This is why men like us marry women, as a form of cover. I reckon it's time to stop looking to your husband (and his mum) for clarity on this subject. If your husband: has sex with men; cannot perform penis-in-vagina sex with you; watches gay porn; has a boyfriend-like relationship with a work or gym friend; and obsesses about everything "gay"; then there is a very good chance he's gay in denial (or GID). 

7. Is it not weird that he felt the need to explain how he knows he’s straight? I mean, wouldn’t he just laugh it off?

Absolutely! 

8. The thing is a few months back he told me how the builders and scaffolders at the road side ogle women and share their “type”. My husband of course said he doesn’t include himself in these type of conversations because he doesn’t have a “type”. Fast forward to now that’s changed.

New rule: every time he talks about sex/sexuality, just assume he's lying. 

9. The “I rate women” comment bothered me because I don’t think it’s something a man should naturally share with his wife anyway. I mean it’s made me feel like crap! So I told him this yesterday. He didn’t like that it bothered me, shouted at me, called me a C*nt and reduced me to tears AGAIN.

This man is not a good husband and, most importantly, this isn't the type of relationship you want to pattern for your children. 

10. Only 4 days ago he asked if I had someone else because I had changed my WhatsApp picture and been on Messenger!! I am so confused.

This sounds like classic projection: meaning when a guilty cheater of a spouse claims you're cheating as well. 

11. I guess the reason I’m sharing this is to see if anyone thinks this still means he could be a closeted gay. I’ve definitely been thrown off the scent and I’m beginning to think I’ve got it all wrong.

He ticks most of my boxes for a "closeted husband" namely: has admitted to having sex with a man (although he claims it was an assault); constantly talks/obsesses about the gay thing; no PIV sex with his wife because he can't perform; angry/abusive when he doesn't get his way; and watches and masturbates to gay porn.  

12. Thank you all - I really feel like you guys are all I’ve got right now.

Setting aside the gay thing for a moment, based on what you've shared this sounds like a toxic, abusive, and highly dysfunctional relationship. Your husband is prone to angry outbursts, has cheated on you (likely multiple times), and regularly abandons you and your children when challenged. Your mum-in-law also sounds like a black belt enabler who consistently sides with her son. Straight couples have often divorced for less my friend. I'd recommend getting individual counselling and/or reaching out to a women's group to determine if you're in an abusive relationship. By all objective standards, this is not a good husband nor father. 

Good luck my friend. 

 

December 12, 2022 8:15 am  #2094


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks again Sean for your kind words. We are planning on spending Christmas separately. Him at his mums and me and the children at my aunts. His reason being “I cannot be around your family now they know I was sexually assaulted by a man - it’s embarrassing and I don’t know what they think of me now”

My family don’t even welcome him anymore after they know what’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling.

I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas. We’re all in this together I guess. Best wishes everyone xx

 

December 13, 2022 4:12 am  #2095


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for the update Pink. In reply: 

1. Thanks again Sean for your kind words.

My pleasure. 

2. We are planning on spending Christmas separately. Him at his mums and me and the children at my aunts.

This is perhaps for the best. At least you and your children can now enjoy the holidays without having to walk on eggshells around your troubled, questioning husband.  

3. His reason being “I cannot be around your family now they know I was sexually assaulted by a man - it’s embarrassing and I don’t know what they think of me now.”

This is a red flag and perhaps something you should discuss with a mental health professional. A good husband/father would make his wife and family a priority whereas it appears he's more interested in protecting his fragile ego while also avoiding legitimate questions about his sexuality.

Let's now review his claims of sexual assault because this is a common narrative among questioning/closeted husbands. If I remember correctly, your husband; admitted to going to a naked male sauna; striking up a "manly" conversation with another man; getting a massage from this man; and claims this man raped him. Questioning and/or deeply closeted spouses often frame their first sexual experiences with the same sex as sexual assault. But why? Some closeted spouses simply cannot accept that they were willing participants because to do so would be to admit they are attracted to the same sex. Here are some common scenarios I've read about over the years: 

- I went to a gay bar, someone spiked my drink, and then assaulted me in the mensroom. 
- I went to a (gay cruising) park, two men held me down, and raped me. 
- I got drunk in college then my male roommate took advantage of me. 
- My wife was held down by our (female) nanny then the nanny kissed her. She then fought her off and fled the house. 

I want to make it clear that sexual abuse and sexual assault do happen. Any assault is barbaric, traumatizing for the victims, and is rightfully illegal. But things get muddled when pathologically dishonest spouses make claims of sexual assault when they are caught cheating. If your sexually confused husband claims he was assaulted at an age when he was legally able to give consent, ask him: 

1. Why would a self-identified straight man choose to go to a gay space (like a sauna, cruising park, or gay bar)?
2. How long were you in this gay space before the assault happened? 
3. Please describe the aggressor (age, height, weight, build etc) and the circumstances surrounding the assault.  
4. Please describe the assault and how you fought back and/or cried for help? 
5. What did you do immediately after the assault? 
6. Why aren't we pressing charges? 

Turning now to your husband Pink, if your husband answers the above questions as follows: 

1. Yes it's a gay sauna but I went with a (gay) friend or I was just curious. 
2. I was there for two hours before the assault happened. 
3. He was a bit older and less muscular than me. 
4. I didn't fight back nor cry out because I was scared. 
5. I spent another hour at the sauna, then left. 
6. I don't want to press charges. 

then I think he's lying. Based on our previous exchanges, your husband went to a gay sauna looking for sex, had consensual sex with another man, suffered a post-orgasmic meltdown, and knew he couldn't go to the police without his assault narrative falling completely apart. I reckon he's nervous about seeing your family because they too are calling bullsh*t on this whole story. Fair comment? 

4. My family don’t even welcome him anymore after they know what’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling.

Damn right! I think we can all agree that your husband is deeply closeted, abusive, and mentally ill. He doesn't want to be around them because they're not buying into his bullsh*t excuses.  

5. I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas. We’re all in this together I guess. Best wishes everyone xx

That's very kind of you Pink. Again I would urge you to get professional counselling and/or reach out to an association to determine if you're in an abusive relationship. Given what you've shared, this man is neither a good husband nor father. You and your children deserve better. 

Happy Christmas and good luck. 

 

December 13, 2022 9:09 am  #2096


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean - I, too, want to be clear that sexual abuse and sexual assault happen. My heart goes out to the victims.

But I want to provide evidence of your observations.  I remember this so clearly, like it was yesterday. After my 1st son was born (4 months old and three years into the marriage), I visited my husband in Chicago, where he was working ( he travels 60-70%), and we enjoyed the Christmas holiday with him. He came home one month later, and something was off! Our sex life decreased, and he wasn't emotionally the same (detached). Fast forward to two years later, he was forced to tell me about a sexual assault that happened to him in Chicago. He says he met some guys at the apartment pool and invited them to watch a Football game the following week. Then someone drugged him, stole his money, and sexually assaulted him. He only told me about the incident because he discovered he had an STD. I'm ok and healthy. This happened over ten years ago. I now believe this was the start of our problems. Starting in 2018, he met a guy in the gym (Bill) that just so happened was gay and married to a man. My husband starts to hang out with him and tells me that he is really good friends with him and his husband. He says I shouldn't be concerned because Bill is committed to his husband.  However, during one of our intimate pillow talk times, he tells me, "whatever happens, he will always come home to me." Early in 2020,  we ended up in counseling because of this friendship, and I knew it was more than he admitted. However, my husband convinces our Marriage Therapist that he is just friends with Bill. At the end of 2020, I felt neglected for years and proposed to my husband to have an open marriage because I met someone at work. He says yes and admits that he has feelings for Bill. In some ways, I felt relieved to know I was always right. Fast forward to the end of 2022, I decided this was not the life that I wanted for me. I didn't get married to have an open marriage. The betrayal is too much to carry, and I want to honor my values and feelings. I have officially hired an Attorney to end this marriage. 

 

December 13, 2022 9:32 am  #2097


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Gwen. In reply: 

1. Sean - I, too, want to be clear that sexual abuse and sexual assault happen. My heart goes out to the victims.

100% agree. 

2. But I want to provide evidence of your observations.  I remember this so clearly, like it was yesterday. After my 1st son was born (4 months old and three years into the marriage), I visited my husband in Chicago, where he was working ( he travels 60-70%), and we enjoyed the Christmas holiday with him.

It's very common for the closeted husband to travel frequently or live/work in another city. This makes it easier for him to lead a double life. 

3. He came home one month later, and something was off! Our sex life decreased, and he wasn't emotionally the same (detached).

This happened in my marriage after I'd had sex with another man. I could no longer "pretend" that I was physically attracted to women nor perform sexually with my (then) wife. 

4. Fast forward to two years later, he was forced to tell me about a sexual assault that happened to him in Chicago.

This follows a common pattern: namely a cheating husband is forced to admit he's having sex with men because he has an STD, his lover threatens to out him, or his wife finds proof of cheating. 

5. He says he met some guys at the apartment pool and invited them to watch a football game the following week. Then someone drugged him, stole his money, and sexually assaulted him.

Bullsh*t. I reckon he had to tell you why he'd caught an STD/STI and then spun the story into a sexual assault narrative to look like a victim. This distracts his wife from asking questions about his sexuality and cheating while making her feel like she has to save him. 

6. He only told me about the incident because he discovered he had an STD.

Let's just call this what it is: a cheating husband was having sex with men and caught an STD. 

7. I'm ok and healthy.

Glad to hear it. 

8. This happened over ten years ago. I now believe this was the start of our problems.

I reckon your problems started when you married a distant, dishonest, and sexually confused man. If I were a gambling man, I'd bet that he's been cheating on you the entire time he's lived/worked in Chicago. As I've often written, cheating is like an iceberg, meaning 9/10ths often remains under water. While I'm not a mental health professional, I strongly believe the STD incident back in 2012 wasn't the start of your problems, it was more likely the beginning of the end of your denial phase. It was when both you and your husband were faced with irrefutable proof he was having sex with men. I'm so sorry you've been struggling with all of this for a decade. You and your children deserve better than an absent, cheating husband/father.    

9. Starting in 2018, he met a guy in the gym (Bill) that just so happened was gay and married to a man. My husband starts to hang out with him and tells me that he is really good friends with him and his husband. He says I shouldn't be concerned because Bill is committed to his husband.  However, during one of our intimate pillow talk times, he tells me, "whatever happens, he will always come home to me." Early in 2020,  we ended up in counseling because of this friendship, and I knew it was more than he admitted.

I agree. 

10. However, my husband convinces our Marriage Therapist that he is just friends with Bill. At the end of 2020, I felt neglected for years and proposed to my husband to have an open marriage because I met someone at work. He says yes and admits that he has feelings for Bill. In some ways, I felt relieved to know I was always right.

Question: has your husband admitted to a sexual affair with Bill (and perhaps Bill's husband)? Given what you've shared in previous posts, there is little doubt in my mind that Bill is his long-term lover. 

11. Fast forward to the end of 2022, I decided this was not the life that I wanted for me. I didn't get married to have an open marriage. The betrayal is too much to carry, and I want to honor my values and feelings. I have officially hired an Attorney to end this marriage. 

Thanks for sharing and good luck my friend. If anyone wants to listen to two podcast interviews where we discuss at length the issue of "sexual abuse/assault made me gay", click the links below: 

S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath
S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions - OurPath

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them below. 

Last edited by Sean01 (December 13, 2022 12:59 pm)

 

December 13, 2022 1:16 pm  #2098


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean01 wrote:

8. This happened over ten years ago. I now believe this was the start of our problems.

I reckon your problems started when you married a distant, dishonest, and sexually confused man. If I were a gambling man, I bet that he's be cheating on you the entire time he's lived/worked in Chicago. As I've often written, cheating is like an iceberg, meaning 9/10ths often remains under water. While I'm not a mental health professional, I strongly believe the STD incident back in 2012 wasn't the start of your problems, it was more likely the beginning of the end of your denial phase. It was when both you and your husband were faced with irrefutable proof he was having sex with men. I'm so sorry you've been struggling with all of this for a decade. You and your children deserve better than an absent, cheating husband/father.    

Gwen's response: YOU are right! Thank you.  

10. However, my husband convinces our Marriage Therapist that he is just friends with Bill. At the end of 2020, I felt neglected for years and proposed to my husband to have an open marriage because I met someone at work. He says yes and admits that he has feelings for Bill. In some ways, I felt relieved to know I was always right.

Question: has your husband admitted to a sexual affair with Bill (and perhaps Bill's husband)? Given what you've shared in previous posts, there is little doubt in my mind that Bill is his long-term lover. 

Gwen's Answer: You are right. He's had this relationship with Bill for a long time. Yes, my husband has admitted that he's had oral sex with Bill. I don't believe it. At this point, I don't really care. We haven't been intimate since 2020. In early 2020, I made last-minute plans to go to Cleveland to attend an event with my husband. Guess who was there too!?!  He said Bill was visiting friends near Cleveland and decided to attend in the same event.  

Too many moments have saddened me, especially over the last year. I don't deserve this treatment, but it will be ok. I'm going through this pain to get to the other side of true happiness. I'm hopeful!  

Your PODCAST helped me accept the facts, acknowledge my husband's behaviors, and choose how I want to live. Thank you. 

 

 

 

December 13, 2022 1:56 pm  #2099


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks Gwen. This gay-in-denial (GID) logic always befuddles me: 

You are right. He's [husband] had this relationship with [gay friend/lover] Bill for a long time. Yes, my husband has admitted that he's had oral sex with Bill. I don't believe it. At this point, I don't really care. We haven't been intimate since 2020. In early 2020, I made last-minute plans to go to Cleveland to attend an event with my husband. Guess who was there too!?!  He said Bill was visiting friends near Cleveland and decided to attend in the same event.

What always confuses me is the f*cked up GID logic that: 

- Jerking to gay porn isn't really cheating (wrong)
- Pathologically dishonest husbands claiming sexual assault by another man somehow cancels out the glaring inconsistency that a self-identified straight husband/father was hanging out in some gay sauna, gay cruising park, or adult video store (erm why the hell was he there to start with?)
- Receiving blowjobs from another man doesn't make a man gay (bullsh*t)
- Sexually neglecting a straight wife is somehow always her fault (complete horsesh*t)  

I also had to laugh that your closeted husband felt the need to add a (very macho/manly) football watch party footnote to his Chicago threeway. Delusional doesn't even start to describe the lengths to which these closet cases go to remain emotionally straight while being so obviously (sexually) gay. It's madness and you're right to separate/divorce my friend. Clearly this man has lost touch with reality. 

Hope that doesn't sting too much and wishing you good luck with the divorce proceedings. As I've seen time and time again, straight spouses make spectacular recoveries once these damaged men are out of their lives. I can't wait to read about you dating/marrying a man who growls when you walk into the room. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (December 13, 2022 1:57 pm)

 

December 13, 2022 4:16 pm  #2100


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean.  I’ve debated posting asking you for advice for a long time but need to hear from someone how knows, so…  here I go.
I lasted posted on the forum back in October.  The VERY next day my husband had a work meeting that lasted longer than expected (legit).  I looked at his location on the map when he was headed home and knew he’d arrive in about 20 min, but 25 minutes later he was not home… map showed him at an apartment complex, and he had been there for 20 minutes!  About 25 minutes later, I texted to ask his ETA and then his position on the map snapped back to the freeway and showed he was about 15 minutes out. 
When he got home, I asked where he stopped on the way.  He immediately said “nowhere!”.  Uh huh.  I took the baby to bed, and a minute later he came in and said he stopped to pick up donuts, but the shop was closed.  Uh huh.  Except the shop was still open at that time, and he brought home extra cookies from the work meeting so why stop for additional treat?  I knew he was lying and based on what I was already thinking, I didn’t bother questioning anything he said because this basically sealed my decision to divorce. 
 I’ve had a couple appointments with my therapist, and I decided to tell him in January that I’m out of here. 
Well, I know there’s that cycle you refer to and I’m stuck in the honeymoon limbo!  We haven’t had a fight or blowout of any kind, he knows he messed up and is going above and beyond his normal stuff… he’s doing the dishes, playing with the kids after work, you know, normal dad/husband/partner stuff that should have been happening all along. He just decided to quit his job and make his independent side business his full-time focus starting January 1. Pretty much the worst time for me to also say, by the way we’re over. 
 
Here's where I need advice.  Whether we stay together or not, his financial success helps all of us (I legally own his business and process all billing, so no concerns there (now at least)).  Since he’s actually trying, home life isn’t horrible.  But I know there’s a black cloud up ahead…  When’s is going to hit?  At what point do I say I want a divorce?  If the business struggles and the family ends, I’m concerned he might not survive that.  My kids need a happy alive dad.  But I don’t want to be stuck in a loveless hopeless marriage forever.  At least if I’m single, I can be lonely by myself and hope for love in the future.
(To top if all off, our anniversary is on Sunday and he’s getting all excited and buying me multiple gifts.  I have bought him exactly nothing and don’t have any idea what to do!)

 

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