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1 of 1- Anon2222
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The Baggage
Last night was a rough night. I cried for hours. I just finished another week of working 55 hours, I was exhausted and I realized that it has been literally months since anyone has touched me. All I wanted was a hug. A real hug. By someone who cares. I never knew just how much I could miss human touch.
I have been talking to a guy from the dating site. He seems nice. Has a sense of humor. We've had some fun chats.
Yesterday it hit me.....I am fucking terrified. If I spent 18 years married to a gay man who would treat me this horrible.....how the hell do I not know I'm going to do it all over again? How the hell do I ever trust any man, ever? I ask the questions but what if they're lying? I can't do this again. I don't think I could survive it.
And then I think....who out there would want to deal with this baggage? I feel like damaged goods.
I had a good day a few days ago and decided to do something I've always wanted to do.....I signed up for sessions with a personal trainer. At that moment I felt like I could do this. Now I'm doubting it. My life is absolute chaos and to add 3 training sessions a week seems crazy....but I'm sick of being a blob and want to feel better about myself.
Anyway, just needing some support in the crazy journey that is getting through this mess.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The Baggage
Anon2222 wrote:
....Yesterday it hit me.....I am fucking terrified.....
Three things stood out for me in your post.
1/ You're working all the hours you can
2/ You want to do something to improve/enhance you
3/ You miss physical touch
If your life would be full with the first two....why add the third.... at a time when you still are haunted by your past r'ship.... when it only brings you anxiety?
Do the hugs have to be from a romantic r'ship with a man?
Elle
Edited to add some hugs
🤗 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 ☺️
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 11, 2022 12:34 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Abby
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Re: The Baggage
Maybe look into some self-massage techniques to relax specific areas of tension? I went to a massage school (it was cheaper) before Covid came along. Hugging myself also helped release tension.
Just try to love yourself and don't devalue yourself. .You can do this.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Victo
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Re: The Baggage
I don’t think there is anything wrong with trying things, going through doubts, and failing at love again. All of that is normal life stuff. And it’s sucks. But it also sets us up for self improvement, self discipline, and ultimately, self knowledge.
What you are going through Anon sounds perfectly normal to me. It is not easy but you are definitely taking an active approach to your life. I think that will give you more long term value than passively waiting to heal.
I’m sorry for the self doubts and for worry. I also struggle with many of the issues you do. Dating is hard enough - ESPECIALLY if you come from a marriage based on deceit.
But there is a flipside: because you have suffered, there is a window of opportunity where you can find enjoyment and contentment in your life. Because you know how bad things can be, you will be able to find appreciation for moments and people and experiences that bring goodness into your life.
- Anon2222
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Re: The Baggage
Thanks Victo.
I'm not sure of the dating thing yet....as, I just want to be me. I just don't have it in me to do any of the games, or try to present myself without the flaws. I just want to be me and find someone who wants me for me.
Nothing went as planned. It's more than just being dumped. I have found out a lot of things I didn't want to. Like....I stopped getting invited to things. I'm the only one getting a divorce. I don't get invited to couples things. A large portion of my friend circle were married. Also, a lot of them women are having babies. I am the dumped, single, childless woman. So...the invites have dried up there too. I've bought baby gifts and listened to all the stories...but because I can't relate I found I started getting excluded to the meet ups. I've tried to arrange coffee meet ups and low key things but I make all the plans and then people back out for whatever reason.
The people who knew both of us mainly dropped me and are his friends now.
So.....what I have learned from all this is that I'm basically alone. The people who I thought are friends....are apparently not close enough to actually pick up the phone and call, or stop by for a visit. My interaction with people has solely been via text messaging.
So, I'm feeling really bloody lonely. And my most scintillating conversations for the past couple months have been with the dogs. The cat does give good hugs though lol.
I didn't plan to be basically dropped by everyone in 2022. It's been one hell of a year...
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: The Baggage
I was largely dumped by all and sundry too - part of it was my ex's gaslighting but it turned out that a lot, oh a lot of my friends were gay in denial too. My closest (closest?) friend her marriage broke down as her H realised she was gay.
As a straight spouse escapee I'd shed light on an uncomfortable situation all around.
What I've discovered is the paranoia is good - I have been slowly developing friendships with people who I feel confident in. and when I have been suckered I react quickly and decisively to end it.
This man you like chatting with - maybe he is on the level and maybe he isn't. Can you get sucked in, yes of course you can, that's the way it works - but you are wiser now.