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December 9, 2022 10:44 pm  #1


He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

Now about 2 months post disclosure that my husband of 24 years has realized he is gay, I have found great comfort in everyones stories and discussions on this forum.  Reading through the different threads, I have found so many resonances between the feelings I am experiencing and the questions I have, I am struggling to figure out where to post first! But, what is really preoccupying me at the moment is given some of the nuances of our story, I am either questioning, or perhaps just need reassurance that he is, in fact gay. The reason I am struggling is that he is saying that until he started discussing some of his inhibitions around sex about a year ago with his long-time therapist, he never once questioned his sexuality or considered himself anything other than straight. It was something he repressed so completely (due to an emotionally and physically abusive homophobic father, religious mother, etc), that he never even entertained the possibility for a moment. But, now that he has come to realize this about himself, nothing has felt more ‘right’.  He came out to me pretty much as soon as he came out to himself, as he didn’t want to lie to me. He says he has confirmed his orientation through gay porn (and he is attracted to not just ‘hard core’ but also more romantic same sex scenarios) but has not had or pursued sex with a man, nor does he intend to as he is committed to monogamy, which I believe. But, as of his personal understanding of his gay identity (which preceded telling me by about 6 weeks), any sexual attraction he has for me, or any other woman, is completely gone (and we haven’t had sex since then). So why am I questioning? After reading a lot of the posts on the forum, while there are definitely many similarities, it just seems so surprising and unconventional that he would have had had no idea. Additionally, while he was often uncomfortable talking about sex (which is what he was discussing with his therapist), we had a pretty decent sex life, typically multiple times a week through much of our marriage, usually with him initiating.  If it was less frequent, it was because I would turn him down as I was less interested (and I had a lot of guilt around this). Yes, things did start going downhill over the past few years, with him less able to perform, but we attributed it to getting older (we are both late 40s), the stress of the pandemic and the fact that both of our children were dealing with mental health crises of their own (daughter with anorexia, son suffering from major depression). He tends to believe that sexuality is a spectrum, and says he likely always leaned between bi/gay, which is why he was attracted and had a loving sexual relationship with me. But now he suspects he has just moved more towards the gay end of the spectrum.  He says he really doesn’t want it to be his reality, but after feeling so bad about himself for so long it is the only thing that makes sense. I want to take him seriously,  but he himself is expressing some uncertainty. If it is a spectrum, could he ‘swing back’?  Does he need to have had sex with a man to be certain he is gay? Given the abrupt nature of this discovery, could there be another underlying mental health explanation? It is hard for me to believe he could be so mentally ill as to convince himself he is gay, but I really don’t know any more.  This has come as such a shock to both of us, I don’t know what to believe. Even reading through this post, I think I know deep down that he is gay, but I think it would be helpful to hear to perspectives of others going through this.
Thanks!

 

December 9, 2022 11:16 pm  #2


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

Your story is similar to mine. My gay husband made his announcement to me a whopping 2 weeks before "he figured it out himself". I don't know how I feel about that. We were together/married 18 years. And he just tells me out of the blue I'm gay. I had absolutely no clue. Here I thought things were going well and the whole time he just decided he didn't love me anymore, wasn't attracted to me, and wanted to have sex with men.

And yup....had sex for 18 years with no issue. Then he made his little announcement and it was over. He wouldn't even touch me. Ironically we had even slept together like a day or two before his announcement. So....I'm left wondering what the hell all of that was....and what exactly was I do him then?

I have wondered myself if he actually has any idea with all this and is it even possible that he didn't know until 2 weeks before he came out. It just doesn't seem possible. But what do I know anymore. 

I had planned an amazing romantic get away for our anniversary....and instead I got to spend the weekend alone, crying, as he moved out. So, I've heard it all. All the excuses. I also got the whole "nothing has felt more right". It's actually kinda eerie to see the similarities between the stories.  

 

December 10, 2022 12:25 am  #3


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

KO and Anon,

Yes I can relate to the "discard"  as I call it..   my GX went away with her girlfriend for "a girls weekend" and when she got back I knew something was off..I could feel it in my bones..could sense the lie ..   and she never touched me again...  I was discarded like a leper...she actually called me garbage in addition to treating as such after that.

The physical rejection is a cruel and evil thing...  like they think they are gods or omnipotent beings that can declare we deserve no physical or emotional touch.  In what world does a loyal and loving spouse deserve that.

Nothing can be further from the real truth and morality. They are not gods that can say what we deserve.    You are fiercely and absolutely loving and kind woman.   You deserve so much more..more than they can comprehend.  ..or in this case care to offer.

It's a scary thing how they can quickly hurt and devastate the one they vowed to love above all..but they can..belive them.

Giving you both a kind e-hug..virtual, but sincere and authentic.

Last edited by Rob (December 10, 2022 12:26 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 10, 2022 5:16 pm  #4


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

IMH ( non- professional opinion). 
If your spouse or significant other comes out’ as painful as it is to hear, I’d venture to say they are & believe them.
I’m so very sorry & I do understand the pain, it’s life changing forever, regardless if you stay together & work it out’ or go your separate ways.  

Hugs 💟💫.
 


"And you will know the truth, & the truth will set you free"
John 8:32
True ❤️.
 

December 10, 2022 6:10 pm  #5


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

True, Rob and Anon - thanks for the replies, just being heard, and that Anon's GH had a similar sudden 'revelation', definitely is validating.  He actually does want to continue physical contact - hugs, spooning in bed, etc,, as he still feels very emotionally close. But of course he doesn't desire me sexually at all.  As twisted as it sounds I almost wish he would say he needs to leave and explore his gay side. Instead, he wants to dispense with sex altogether, as it has always been 'conflictual' for him, and continue in a sexless marriage. I feel this leaves me to be the 'bad guy' if I have the temerity to say I want something different. I am trying to understand if, given the otherwise strong marriage we have enjoyed for 24 years (and had been looking forward to being 'empty nesters' soon),  being emotionally 'desired' will be enough - 

     Thread Starter
 

December 10, 2022 6:20 pm  #6


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

Anon2222 wrote:

 I had planned an amazing romantic get away for our anniversary....and instead I got to spend the weekend alone, crying, as he moved out. So, I've heard it all. All the excuses. I also got the whole "nothing has felt more right". It's actually kinda eerie to see the similarities between the stories.  

Wow, that is rough! I absolutely fear those weekends coming.  It is hard enough being at home on a Saturday evening when our daughter is out at friends for the night. Those occasions used to be so looked forward to as an opportunity for some adult time, but now it leaves me in a puddle of tears, while I watch TV in the basement and GH is upstairs listening to music in his office.
Sadly, the last time we actually attempted sex was during our anniversary weekend trip away about 6 weeks before he shared his realization. I guess it should have been a red flag, as despite putting a number of romantic and other erotic elements together for the weekend, he just could not perform. 

Last edited by KO_KO'd (December 10, 2022 6:21 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

December 10, 2022 7:38 pm  #7


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

It sounds to me as if he is asking you to be his emotional support animal. He gets what he wants but your wants are to be stifled unless they align with his..

Maybe give him a body pillow and a stuffed animal for Christmas. Putting some physical distance between you by sleeping separately can help you decide how you want to proceed given this new reality.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

December 11, 2022 1:20 pm  #8


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

Abby wrote:

It sounds to me as if he is asking you to be his emotional support animal. He gets what he wants but your wants are to be stifled unless they align with his..

Yes, that is definitely how I am feeling  - 

     Thread Starter
 

December 12, 2022 8:42 am  #9


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

KO - you are in the beginning stages of this, as we call it, mindf***. Please take time to decide what is important to you. It's hard to create boundaries, respect our feelings, and listen to our wants as Women and Mothers! My journey of trying to 'PLEASE' my husband started in 2019. I contribute the courage to consider my feelings and values to reading the stories in this Forum. We don't have unique stories, and behavioral patterns are not to be ignored. It was also helpful to start my healing journey to find my own therapist (after going down the Marriage Counselor road). I also finally confided with a dear friend after carrying this weight alone for years. 

 

December 22, 2022 11:04 pm  #10


Re: He says he never questioned his sexuality until now...

My thoughts?

He’s probably always known that he’s gay, but he’s just now coming to terms with that. It’s really, really hard to accept this, and I totally understand what you are going through. I’m sorry.. It sucks, but the sooner you can wrap your brain around that, the sooner you can figure out your next steps.

 

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