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December 9, 2022 3:37 pm  #1


4 Years In - Am I Even 1 Step.... Anywhere?

Hello everyone. I just found this forum. And I'm grateful that I have. Because the stories on here are the first I've read that sound like mine. I've shared my story with a few close friends and a few family members, but I'm not aware of anyone who can relate to me.

My wife and I just passed our 19th wedding anniversary. I'm 42 and she's 41. We have 5 kids (ages 9-18). And just about 4 years ago she came to me - out of blue - and told me she was gay.

I was caught completely and utterly off-guard. I had no clue. She said she never knew. Not until about a year before she told me when she met a woman who she was attracted to. But she said for the majority of her life she wasn't attracted to anyone - man or woman. Letting that sink in hurt me a lot. I asked if I was the exception. I wasn't.

So here I am. 4 years in. It's been very lonely. We live as roommates. Raising our kids. Only our oldest knows what's going on with us. My wife told her even though I was super clear that I didn't want to tell the kids. If we decide to tell the kids, then for me we would need to separate.

The first year (at least) was brutal. Spontaneously crying - while going for a run, driving my car, or even sitting at my desk at work. I'd have to close the door and sob silently, mouthing "my wife can't be gay". It was like living in a dream.

So then I went on Lexapro. And that's helped take the edge off a bit. I've always struggled with anxiety, but this was a whole new anxiety/depression cocktail.

Now I'm just kind of coasting. Living behind the fa├žade that everything's going fine. It's definitely not, though. I'm intensely lonely. I feel hopeless because the relationship I thought I had - now I know I never did. And let's be honest, folks, that's a real mind f@#k, isn't it. My wife is the only person I've ever had sex with. We met towards the end of college, got pregnant, and then got married. It was a crazy start, but we're a great team, and we made it work. There's that. That's still true. But when I look back I have to come face to face with the fact that I have never had been intimate on that level with someone who desired me back - who reciprocated that connection. And it's not just about sex - obviously. Of course it isn't. It's about everything that's supposed to be part of a romantic relationship. My life partner has never looked at me with desire, has never felt like she couldn't live without me, has never made sure to kiss me before we go to bed, has never been that interested in me. Damn that stings. That's a big part of the human experience, right?

So lately there's half of me trying to convince the other half of me that I just don't get to have any of that. That it's not in the cards for me. Why? Because I don't want to blow up a lot of the lives around me. My kids (2 of whom were adopted). My extended family. Her job. Some of her friendships. And then there's all of the financial and logistical stuff. I don't want to leave the house, and I'm sure she doesn't either! God, what am I supposed to do? What do I do with all this.

 

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