Isn't it strange how other people reveal things from a fresh perspective? Earlier this week some football parents from my son's team revealed how much they hated my ex. She was only there 2-3 times in 9 years but it was enough to leave a mark and the things they said just gave me some "aha" moments that made me realize what I was dealing with. 

Really glad to hear you're over the pain now. It gives hope that I'll be over this hump one day.

Thank your husband Kel, for helping to point out the obvious to me as well.  It's still a challenge, years later, for me to wrap my head round that description fitting my ex especially as he appears to be very well regarded by others, presents as a great guy and is charming, fun in company.  If it wasn't for you folks here I guess I'd still be thinking it was 'my issues' that were the problem as I was led to believe.  

Rob wrote:

...in all my years with her I never heard the words "I'm sorry" about anything. ..

This is a significant character trait to look for in anyone. The ability to admit you could have done better with some humble apologies says more about a person than their reaction to triumph.

jkpeace wrote:

My point is that Not all of our gay spouses are/were narcissists.  I do believe that many, many were.  I do believe that, if they are not narcissists, they Are very, very broken and in need of much work...work they must do, themselves, to get better.

I agree, my ex most certainly was not but was, as you said, broken in other ways and in need of personal work. I also don't think it's a coincidence that I went through a more peaceful split than so many others here. It's the drift towards absolute denial, subterfuge and gaslighting that start to indicate the potential narcissists.

jkpeace wrote:

 He even went to counseling to try to figure out what child custody arrangement would be best for our children.  The counselor convinced him that 50/50 would Not be best for our children.  Sadly, he agreed.  A narcissist wouldn't have done that.

First, jkpeace, I am in no way suggesting that your H is an N. From what you have written it sounds as if your H is truly trying to do what is in the best interest of your children and following the counselors advice clearly illustrates that.   However I want to address a subject you brought up, that is "Children and the Narcissist" for others on the board who may be trying to navigate divorce, custody and visitation with an actual Narcissist... 

My experience with my N was the exact opposite. Narcissist will give up the kids.  Children will be retained by the N so long as they serve a purpose.  The hard core NPD gives the illusion of being the quintessential parent but truly the day in day out effort, burden, and expense of being a full time parent is more work than the N wants to put out.  To the true N, the world revolves around them and there is little room in their world for children who have age-appropriate developmental narcism.  They don't need a rival for attention and it has been suggested by some experts that the N secretly abhors children for their neediness and narcissim.  If you are divorcing an N, they may be very happy to turn over their rights and visitation, if the cost outweighs the benefit.  This does not mean they will give it all up easily and they may fight you tooth and nail, but in the long run the N has little stamina and endurance to be connected to others unless they receive adulation and Narcissistic Supply in return.  An N will happily allow you to raise their children and do all the work.  After all, we should all be happy to serve them.

And I was happy to raise the kids myself because at that time it was believed that NPD was purely a learned behavior.   The less time spent with a Narcissist meant the less time children would have to pattern the behavior.  Unfortunately, now experts suggest there may be a genetic component.   Either with or without the Narcissit your kids will need a stable, present, and honest parent.  Eventually, they will see the N for who he/she is and they will need you to cushion the ugly.