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November 4, 2022 1:26 pm  #1


I think I am at the stage of my grief/denial/journey/whatever the F this is where I am just bitter and angry.

I had to have emergency surgery. My gay husband drove me to and from the surgery. The last minute nature of the thing meant I didn't have any time to prepare, so I didn't have groceries, the house wasn't set up, nothing. I asked him to please help me get thru this, as I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter. He took me home, filled the prescriptions and got me a little bit of food. The plan was then that he would come back the next day and take care of things (5 pets that don't stop). Overnight the weather was horrible and he didn't come out the next day. Then he went back to work (he has a flexible job with unlimited time off). Since he wasn't able to drive out to help me he took the day off to relax and play video games.

Example of how my last few days have been going....I can't sleep due to the pain. My mouth and face are full of stitches. So, after a lousy night of sleep I drag myself out of bed to take care of all the animals (that we accrued during the marriage and he wanted too). My work is thankfully being understanding but I am working from home so still trying to get something accomplished (due to the financial circumstances I've been dumped in I can't afford any time off). Last night I went to take the garbage bag out of the kitchen garbage as something smelt really bad....and the bag split open. Garbage and mystery stinky juices everywhere. So I'm on my hands and knees trying to clean up the mess, which caused the pressure in my head to increase, so then the incisions started bleeding....and voila, an hour later I wrangled the mess, got the dogs out and fed, stopped the bleeding, cleaned up all the blood, and the laid in bed nauseous for awhile until I could get up.

I'm exhausted. The house is a disaster...thankfully I found someone to shovel the driveway as we've gotten over half a foot of snow. And he's offering to come out Sunday now to help *eye roll*

And you know what, I'm bitter as hell. I got dumped with this house that we both wanted, the pets we both wanted, all the responsibility and expenses....and I can't even take a freaking day off to recovery from major surgery because he left me with f-ing nothing!!!!

And stupid me, I was actually relying on him for help post op.

I know I shouldn't be surprised. I know I should just accept the fact that he's a selfish asshole who only cares about himself now....but, 18 bleeping years together and I get to just bleed all over myself and the floor because I have to run a full house during recovery. At least by the time he finally arrives I'll have done everything myself *eye roll*


November 4, 2022 6:39 pm  #2

Re: Bitter

Oh honey,

At the beginning it's hard to disengage from them. We think they will at least be human enough to help in someway.
But that's not the issue their just selfish...thinking they have a new lease on life while we have to deal with the burdens they left behind.

I'm sorry you are struggling.
I'll tell you what I did.
I sold my house because I simply couldn't afford it alone.
I let go of responsibilities or gave those to him such as splitting who keeps which dogs . I know you love them but too many for one person may just be too many.

Next I pretended like he was a stranger and that way I never depended on him.
I had to learn to depend on me.
yes I cried. still do but now I do things on my own or ask a trusted someone to do it.


November 7, 2022 5:30 pm  #3

Re: Bitter

I understand bitterness, but then they win. My husband of 34 years, died unexpectedly from a major heart attack and the aftermath of dealing with his double life was so painful. I had my suspicions over the years, but I chose to go into denial mode and just make our two children my life. I just finished watching , The Policeman which is a movie about a gay man who marries but continues to have a gay relationship and I could relate to it so much. The wife feels like it is her responsibility to change him and that if she gets rid of the man her husband is in love with they will live happily ever after. It basically shows that a gay man will not change and they will chose to live a double life for their happiness and never mind if wife is happy. I would tell anyone just starting out if you suspect your husband is gay get out as fast as you can. 

Last edited by Momoftwo (November 7, 2022 5:32 pm)


November 8, 2022 4:20 pm  #4

Re: Bitter

Anon, Hope your recovery from surgery is going well.

It's natural to feel bitter and angry over this mindf*ck. 

The late GIDXH was an expert at passive aggressive behavior.  Kind of like gaslighting with a smile.  It was his way of controlling the outcome and hurting me.

You need to express your anger. Directing it at him will only give him more ammunition to hurt you, leading to more anger for you.  Go no contact or do gray rock with him to get back on an even keel.  You need to be clear thinking to get on with your life.

I guess you can say he has every right in the world to be an a-hole.  You have every right in the world to stay away from him and his mean behavior for good.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

November 8, 2022 7:30 pm  #5

Re: Bitter


This is one of those times where you hope God is looking down and sees the difference between wrong and right.

You now know in your bones who he truly is and that he cant be relied on.   Maybe you plan for a cheap place and less pets in the future...     Start planning knowing what you can and cant do... slow, small steps.    Do not let the bitterness eat you up... it is a season, not forever..          Wishing you strength and fortitude.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

November 8, 2022 11:28 pm  #6

Re: Bitter

So. Survived week 1 post op! It's been quite the ride...

It hasn't been pretty but the house is still standing, 5 animals are still alive and today was my first day going back to the office. It was a rough day which culminated in me managing to fall down the deck stairs (can I just point out how much I hate winter....) but I survived.

My follow up is Thursday, but from what I can tell it seems to be healing well. 

Gay husband did come over and shoveled out the driveway and did a few things that I haven't been able to do. Which is appreciated, but still so very awkward. I struggle with seeing him. When he leaves I just feel all discombobulated, depressed and antsy. I still feel numb and like I'm just making the motions of going through life. I do wish the nightmares would stop. It just feels like I never get a break. 

Still trying to figure out what to do with my life now. I'm at a loss as I honestly have no ideas. And I just have so much anger and bitterness right now. So I just continue with the goal of getting up and doing one more day.

     Thread Starter

November 9, 2022 4:35 pm  #7

Re: Bitter

Anon, Your replay of your “tasks” reminded me of two of my favorite sayings when I was where you are now—and sorry to go “zen” on you but here goes:

“Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment chop wood, carry water.” ~ Zen Proverb


“The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

What these mean to me is when  the world is too much, we can choose to turn our attention inward. To focus on our homes and families and friends and pets  and the things we need to do to keep ourselves healthy and happy. Our lives are made up by the choices we make every day and the routines that keep us going. Our habits impact our health, which impacts every part of our lives.
The madness of this world can swallow us whole if we let it. Don’t let it. Take care of yourself no matter what is happening out there. Practice mindfulness. Focus completely on the task at hand. Let the world burn if it wants to. Life goes on. We keep going. We keep working, feeding our families, taking care of our pets, finding things to entertain ourselves and supporting our tribe. We choose peace, happiness and love over stress, fear and anger.
Chop wood, carry water, eat your vegetables, move, rest, play. Be responsible for yourself, your life and happiness. You are the only one who can make sure your needs are met. Even in the most menial of tasks, you are the boss of your experience. Take joy in the small things — sometimes those are the big things. Thinking of you and so very happy to hear your healing from surgery. XO


November 9, 2022 6:37 pm  #8

Re: Bitter

If you hate winter perhaps you might want to think about moving at some point to a place where the winters are less severe? I knew that our house would need to be sole because it was too big and expensive for one person and there was equity that needed to be accessed

I decided that I wanted to relocate to an area that was in at least Zone 6 and not Zone 5 for my gardening and dislike of long winters. I researched housing costs and social activities in other states but ended up moving less than 50 miles south to a community at a lower elevation and my plants and I are happy.. 

This is contrary to living in the moment perhaps but it helped me begin to get to know myself and what was important to me. Sometimes the change does not need to be big but it meets a need and gives us control.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

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