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October 27, 2022 12:42 am  #1

Figuring things out one day at a time.

So glad to find this community.
Im straight. My husband came out to me as bi this year. Things were good before but always this unspoken tension underneath the surface. Once he came out, he revealed he wasn’t faithful. While he never had sex with other men, he did have physical experiences. This was devastating for me to find out. My dad cheated on my mom so it’s always been a very sensitive spot for me.

The thing is our marriage has improved so much ever since he came out. Our emotional intimacy is so good. I can express things I’ve been angry about for a long time and he is receptive and open to it, no longer defensive like he was before. The sex is really great. I feel like we are finally building the relationship I’ve always wanted.

But of course he’s bi. And while he’s not rushing to any definitive conclusions, he does say he thinks part of his journey will include being with a man. He has spent so much of his life hating and running away from this identity. He thought because he liked both men and women, he could just choose the sexuality he wouldn’t be condemned for and things would be fine. But I’ve seen the difference in him since coming out, that the fear of his bisexuality caused a lot of self hatred.

I’ve told him right now that’s just not something my heart is open to. I think I want it for him, but I don’t want it for me. Im even open to taking a break or separating. I can see and understand how it would be helpful for him to find self acceptance.

We have kids and I think we both parent our kids really well and our kids are so happy so I can’t help but let that factor into wanting to make us work.

So we are taking it one day at a time. He’s trying to understand his identity. I’m trying to unpack what I want and what I haven’t been saying for years. Today I want us to work and today I am not open to nonmonagamy. Today, he wants us to work and even though he would like to be with men, he’s committed to us first. We are both aware this might not work forever, especially if what we both think we need remains the same.

I’m interested to hear if anyone has ever changed their mind in either direction. Whether a straight spouse changed their mind about monogamy or if a bi spouse decided they were fine being monogamous.

I think I’m also just worried about the feeling of this being a can of worms. He admittedly doesn’t have a full understanding of his needs and wants. Is it just one time? Is it ongoing? It makes me feel anxious not knowing what we are even discussing.

Anyways, glad to have somewhere to come talk about this.


October 27, 2022 8:42 am  #2

Re: Figuring things out one day at a time.

Please read my recent post on Seans thread " A gay ex husband answers your questions" pg 203


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