oh goodness, I can relate - good for you to say it all.  um, I am wondering, do you have any family friends who can help you? 

It is entirely baffling to see how horrifically selfish a person is that they married you in the first place and then to realise he's still the same, no remorse, no mercy - and then to understand the more I put up with it, it was only going to keep getting worse.

Your vision of a happy family life is to be cherished but he's doing something completely different isn't he.

It's like what they say on airplanes, put your oxygen mask on first, if you try putting it on your children first you will pass out before you can do it.  Your happiness counts, and to me it seems that just in acknowledging it is the strongest medicine you can give your children.

 

Last edited by lily (May 25, 2022 5:08 pm)

We all try - it seems only natural to confront, to communicate, to try and get solid answers and formulate a plan to move on together.  That is never going to work, you are right there is no point in confronting him with the proof, one way or another he will deny the truth and erode your confidence in yourself and your perceptions.

I tried a modest confrontation, I was in my 50's by then - I asked him if he was bisexual, he talked about it with me for two weeks and then, when I was not accepting this was just fine and saying he should have told me, he completely backtracked, told me he had changed his mind he was 100% straight and if I thought otherwise it was reason to consider me not of sound mind.  At that point I knew I had to get divorced as fast as possible.

The thing is you have already got your answers, so it is time to give yourself the trust and support you need - don't second guess yourself, don't look to him for corroboration or consideration, trust yourself.  Now, you can look to others for help and support - like you have come here.  The next step is to get some ground under your feet, don't be his hostage, increasingly isolated, and living in an atmosphere that is increasingly toxic with keeping his secret - turn that around by looking to find your friends.  Hopefully there is a family member whom you can confide in.  

Even telling a stranger while you wait at the bus stop will help, telling your doctor will help - I went for a general check up and told him everything while he was taking my blood pressure!

 

I feel for you. I can definitely relate. I spent 34 years married to a gay man. I married him thinking he loved me and I loved him. No sex on honeymoon and lots of guy friends. I started realizing that I had probably married someone I did not spend enough time getting to know. Somehow had two children, 5 years apart and probably the only two times we had sex! I must have been fertile. I spent my life devoted to raising kids while he kinda did his own thing, had lots of hobbies and lots of guy friends!!! I spent so many years unhappy and wondering what was wrong with me. He died of a sudden heart attack and it was more painful than ever dealing with all his friends who some chose not to talk to me and others told me they were unaware he had a wife!!! The pain and regret I am going through after realizing I spent so many years ignoring my own happiness and well being is something I have to work through. I am telling you it won't get better, he will not change, there is no happy ending. I would tell my younger self get out and realize you deserve happiness. Good luck to you.

Momoftwo wrote:

I feel for you. I can definitely relate. I spent 34 years married to a gay man. I married him thinking he loved me and I loved him. No sex on honeymoon and lots of guy friends. I started realizing that I had probably married someone I did not spend enough time getting to know. Somehow had two children, 5 years apart and probably the only two times we had sex! I must have been fertile. I spent my life devoted to raising kids while he kinda did his own thing, had lots of hobbies and lots of guy friends!!! I spent so many years unhappy and wondering what was wrong with me. He died of a sudden heart attack and it was more painful than ever dealing with all his friends who some chose not to talk to me and others told me they were unaware he had a wife!!! The pain and regret I am going through after realizing I spent so many years ignoring my own happiness and well being is something I have to work through. I am telling you it won't get better, he will not change, there is no happy ending. I would tell my younger self get out and realize you deserve happiness. Good luck to you.

When did you realize he was gay?

I’m sorry you had to go through this and relate so much! It’s a horrible feeling

Help me 25
I really feel for you. You have to put yourself first and seek counselling online or by phone.
only bring it up if you feel safe to do so. Otherwise seek counselling support and make a plan for yourself and your children