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1 - Stoic
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Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
I cannot believe I am just finding this forum - despite multiple therapists who supposedly "know" this issue. Wow.
Anyway, I'm a 58 year old woman, still married 32 years (and together 40 years) to a man who came out to me probably 15 years ago (I find, when I look back, that I can't remember exactly when it happened). We have 3 kids, now all happy young adults; the youngest went to college this year. Way back when, I went through all the trauma I'm seeing described on this site, and did it solo while trying to hide it. Not easy, but I already had a history of being really good at gritting my teeth and getting through things, before I ever met him. Without a strong support system, and not being financially secure, I really didn't want my kids to suffer, so I took the hit for them, and in the same situation I'd probably do it again. Once past the acute phase (which I hid remarkably well), my life was good, although often internally lonely. As I got stronger and increasingly refused to put myself in situations where I had to fake things, I isolated myself more and more, and now I have to fix that part, at a bare minimum.
Long story short, I got through the really bad part, got used to a solo life, and still was able to find joy in my kids and friends. My relationship with my GH (getting the lingo, lol) was that of a co-parent and roommate, with very little intimacy or physical affection, but we still had fun. Years went by without us discussing this issue, believe it or not, and we still enjoyed our family. Then, a couple years ago, we went to a marriage counselor, and we finally talked about how hard this has been and that we still love each other. Felt much, much better, and decided to separately think about what we want to do going forward. We need to get back to a marriage counselor to get everything out on the table, and I'm working on getting ready for that.
Well, a couple years later, we have no more kids at home to take care of, my husband and I still love each other and are great friends, and now I'm taking time to try to focus on this to decide what's right for me going forward. I have fun with my husband and on my own, although I am still lonely, and my reflex is to stay rather than risk being completely alone and probably a financial mess. I miss sex in theory but have lived without for so long that I don't know if I honestly care anymore, and I miss romantic love but clearly can live without that, too. What I do have is a good friendship and wonderful companion, and we do love each other, and if we split up I might not even have that. There might be a way we can significantly increase our emotional and physical intimacy, enough to fill the void we probably both have. Notably, I'm not sure where my husband is in this process -- I'm not sure what he's thinking, but I do know that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. For all I know, when we open this back up, he may say he needs to move on. I suspect, like me, he just stoically put a lid on his internal life -- we're very similar that way and are both capable of it -- but I know I may be wrong and may find out things that will be very painful. I'm fully prepared for that, and it might be the best thing. I just don't know. Meantime I'm working on repairing my own self esteem, health, and identity; all of that feels good and has to happen.
Does anyone here have any thoughts on how I can approach deciding what's most important and what will make me happiest going forward? I just want to get clear about what I want on my end of this before asking him where he is with it all. Hope that makes sense.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
Welcome to our Forum Stoic 
What a great read that was. I totally get where you're coming from, but I'm still at the 'no sex, no discussion, happy with life and each other' stage so I'm not in a questioning about where my life's going phase like you seem to be.
Together 38 years, kids all grown and flown and we are financially all-okay. The thought of losing all we have as a couple, and becoming a single, stops me from leaving. I have no qualms admitting that.
I'm in a safe space for now
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
Stoic...you said
"I just want to get clear about what I want on my end of this before asking him where he is with it all"
For awhile now I've been adamant that it won't be me who asks questions, or me who brings up the subject of "where are we going?".... because damnit I was
always the one asking questions, forever the one concerned about what was happening to our r'ship, and all I got in return were non-answers/evasions so decided for as long as we stayed on an even keel and there was no reason to upset this strange equalibrium we live in then I would stay silent and he would have to break the silence of he wanted his life to change.
KIA KAHA
- Stoic
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
Ellexoh,
Thanks for your thoughts - it sounds like we have a LOT in common! I have been living in a similar "strange equilibrium" for many years now, and I guess I'm just deciding if I can continue living as is, or with some changes, or if I need to live separately (divorced or not). I think it sounds like you're exactly where I was for a long time, and boy, I get it! For me, I guess the fact that our youngest child left for college made it time for me to think about whether this is how I want my life to be for the long term. I'm not sure. Also, if I'm on my own I'm not sure I'll be financially okay, and that scares me maybe more than being alone. Anyway, at least I have someone to talk to about this stuff now!
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Thread Starter- Dutchman
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
Hi Stoic,
it's difficult to answer what makes you most happy, for it seems you were more or less content with the way it went for many years. I sure understand it wasn't what you would have wished, but still.
For many it would have been that unacceptable and making them feel that misserable, that they would confront the situation (earlier). Not to critize you, but just observing your personality is wired that way.
Nevertheless, you indicate that it's not fullfilling, you're missing certain aspects in your marriage relation. I really think that's sensible, for though you say you can live without sexual intimacy and romantic love, these are aspects that are so valuable and give much color and joy in life. So I would say it's worthwhile going for it, even if it's difficult to get there, and there's a risk things get complicated.
You give me the impression that you're someone that likes to avoid risks and uncertainty, so for you it's probably a big step going that way. But you have courage as well.
If your husbands loves you, you both have a common goal working on your relation. So why is this frightening to you? Are you scared his motivation turns out not to be aimed at (or at least include) your happiness?
Of course I don't know the answer to that. But if I assume your husband loves you, he does cares about your happiness. And thus you can approach the situation as a team, and not opponents that struggle to get the most out of it for themselves. If love is there, and this positive mindset of a team working towards each other is present, you definitly can achive something, maybe even something wonderful over time.
Sexual orientation doesn't has to dictate your relation, only if you allow it to be that way. (With "you", I mean your husband as well). If you dare to think independantly, then discard the scripts of culture that presses certain behaviour and needs, and a world of other potentials opens up. Let yourself be defined by the values and characteristics that make up who you really are as an individual person, and not just the narrow sexual orientation trope. It's up to the persons involved what choices they make, but the possibility of choice is there for sure.
It doesn't fall into your lap. It brings out complicated feelings, several desires, questions how to cope, learn to understand, most esspecially: learn to accept! It's takes commitment and talking, thinking things over, maybe falling and standing up again. If you go that way, it's probably a voyage into new territories and not without risks involved. But... be a team, go for a common goal, then you have a solid base from where to go forward.
Talk about these matters with your husband. I think your idea to continue couples therapy is sound, it helps communication, which is a mandatory ingredient in it all.
What about taking little steps building up this other (romantic, sexual) aspect in your relation. Small things like a massage, maybe incorporating some "tantra things", whatever and who cares?
Even if it's just to indicate there is more than practical friendship that is going on. Marriage is more than just being good friends. A need for you, but also for your husband, and you can realize it as a commited team.
Dutchman.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
Stoic wrote:
Ellexoh,
Thanks for your thoughts - it sounds like we have a LOT in common! I have been living in a similar "strange equilibrium" for many years now, and I guess I'm just deciding if I can continue living as is, or with some changes, or if I need to live separately (divorced or not). I think it sounds like you're exactly where I was for a long time, and boy, I get it! For me, I guess the fact that our youngest child left for college made it time for me to think about whether this is how I want my life to be for the long term. I'm not sure. Also, if I'm on my own I'm not sure I'll be financially okay, and that scares me maybe more than being alone. Anyway, at least I have someone to talk to about this stuff now!
Yes the "I'm not sure" is the rope that binds us to the security of a r'ship that has wrapped its familiarity around us like a warm blanket. I'm of an age now where I feel I need that blanket. Scared? I hate to say it but yes...of the cold and unknown I might find if I rip the blanket off.
Do I care that my partner is not living his best life? Fuck no.... But if he wants to live it he'll have to front up and say the words to my face
All this talk about communication is fine if you both do it but when I lost the trust in the man I thought I could never NOT trust
...how in earth do I trust him ever again to tell me what he really thinks.
No my money is on surviving in this changed world we live in
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Abby
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
I don't usually visit this part of the forum because I no longer am in a mixed- orientation marriage.Like you I found ways to get by in one for years but the marriage ended when my husband had a health crisis, his parents died and he moved into gay groups and friendships. In the end he told me he was gay and wanted a divorce..I had just turned 59.
I am posting here now because your situation sounds similar to mine and I think you should be aware that as you are re-evaluating your own life your husband may also start thinking about what he wants for himself. Bringing up the topic that was never talked about could trigger this, as could something like the health crisis and freedom his parents' deaths allowed my husband..
Only after he moved out did I fully realize how much of myself I had suppressed over the years to get by. Whether you decide to stay or leave, just be aware that the marriage can end due to circumstances beyond your control and take steps to reclaim yourself for your own mental and physical well-being..
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Stoic
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
Thanks to both of you. For me, I think I've just finally gotten too exhausted from all my anger, and I have to move forward somehow.
Abby, I really appreciate your point of view and am very aware that I'm only in control of my side of this -- that's probably why it's been so hard to bring up the subject with my husband again, after the first burst of forgiveness a couple years ago. I know he might just say that for his own happiness, he needs to move on. My read on him is that he's still in it for the long haul, but Lord knows I've misread cues (and he's lied) before so who knows! It'd be funny if it weren't so unfunny. Anyway, I guess avoiding that discussion is my final dodge.
If (and only if) you are up for it, I'd be really interested in what it was like for you post split. One of my (many) issues is that I feel so...stupid for not having seen all this coming, and then for staying when it did, even though I know I did it for survival/my kids and would do it again in the same circumstances. Having to publicly acknowledge all my seemingly crazy choices and obliviousness will be exceedingly tough for me, even with my own kids. How did you handle that? Did you stay in the same town, move, etc.? I've isolated myself so much that at this point, I'd have to sort of start over building a life, no matter where I am. And I guess, if you could share what has been good after your split, and what was really hard, that would help me -- I'm having a hard time getting my brain to envision much of anything because I'm so fearful. Also any advice you have would be most welcome, beyond what you've already said.
If you do end up writing more, I really appreciate it. But if you don't feel like dredging all this junk up, believe me, I get it and I am still appreciative of what you already wrote.
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Thread Starter- Abby
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
I sent you a brief private message. Have to go out now.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Grandma to 5 boys
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Re: Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next
I can relate to exactly what you are going through. An illness caused my husband of 63 years to move out. I've know about his male sexual encounters since 1980. I stayed because the children were young and I had no way to support us. I saw a therapist, so did he and we had couples counseling. he swore it was over and I believed him. It went on for years. Each time I found out, I could have lefrt but didnt. Now he left after suffering 2 strokes and having poor judgment issues. He's been gone for 3 months and I will no take him back. He lied and broke the trust in our relationship, and yes, I have many happy memories. It's been hell for about 2 and a half months. I never lived alone before. I'm working with a therapist 2x a week and she has literally saved me. I'm beginning to reclaim myself. My husband had no consequences for what he did and continued to do because I enabled him. He had his children, his family, his wife and his profession.Now, he is living with an aide and has lost the couple friendships we had. They aare in my community and have been very supportive. I've never told anyone except my therapist and I continue to protect him that way. It's his story to tell. Our 3 adult children know and I think the separation bothers them more than the fact he is gay. I wont tell you this is easy. it's very very hard. And, after years of working and bing financially secure, we are separating our funds and when insurance stops paying for huis aide he will use up all his money and maybe some of mine. But, I am finally dealing with this and it hurts. No one can tell you what is best for you. I didnt chose this road. he did and it turns out it's been the best thing he could have done for me. And, he wants to come back and is sorry he left. That's not happening.