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1 of 1- idontknow6161
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Should i confront him?
I recently found out my boyfriend was cheating with other men. He forgot one of his phones when he left for work and because he goes through mine while I'm sleeping every night, i figured why not go through his. I found the app grinder then I went through the texts and i seen messages to other men about meet ups and other detailed information. We have since broken up because i did tell him i went through his phone however i didn't tell him everything I found. There had also been messages with other females, and I could only bring myself to confront him about those. I have a feeling he may know that i seen everything though. Since the breakup he hasn't talked to me. He ignores most of my texts and only replies when it's convenient for him. I am destroyed over this and when i express to him the hurt i felt and still feel its like he doesn't even care. I don't know if its because he may be interested in men more or if he doesn't want to face me because of the possibility i may know. This is a "bad boy" type of guy. i dont know how else to describe it but i definitely dont see him ever "coming out" if he is more attracted to men. He also has a problem with denial. He will lie even if i have proof right in front of him. I'm scared if i do mention it, it will just anger him and cause a huge problem between us. But the not knowing and wondering if it was because of something about me that made him lose interest or if he just doesnt care because hes interested in the sercret hookups more is killing me. the couple very short conversations we did have he claimed he still wants me, but he won't allow the situation to be brought up. I could really use some advice,
Last edited by idontknow6161 (October 19, 2022 5:38 pm)
- Daryl
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Re: Should i confront him?
He likely knows you know something. Grinder is a gay hook-up app, nothing else. If he's not the type to 'come out' then you now know his big secret, that he will do anything to protect. From what you say, it sounds like you have a toxic-narcissistic person on your hands. Generally the best thing to do here is avoid contact. I doubt there is anything to gain through confrontation. Nothing will be admitted. Worse, he may retaliate by trying to blame you and make you either doubt what you've already seen proof of, or make you out to be the bad person, and he, the victim.
Save yourself from this and know that there is nothing that you, or any other woman, could do (or not do) that would make him download grinder and troll for hook-ups. My guess is that he has been doing this for years.
By the way, his going through your phone at night also suggests you have a controlling, narcissist on your hands. This is not the sign of a healthy person, in my opinion.
I think I would say cut ties, maybe do it quietly. Since he doesn't reply to you, don't chase him either. If you think you have some danger to worry about, plan somewhere you can escape. Have an emergency kit packed so that you can grab and go in a flash. Have a few emergency numbers entered into your phone. Don't be alone. Make sure some close friends or family know what's going on (at least the cheating, if not the grinder part). Finally, look into counseling if you want to know what happened, how not to let it scar you in your future relationships, etc.
You deserve better. Make it happen and do take care of yourself.
Last edited by Daryl (October 19, 2022 6:55 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- idontknow6161
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Re: Should i confront him?
The thought of physical harm did cross my mind. He has already blamed me for some consequences that came with the fact that one of the women he cheated with was the mother of his child, who he was lying to as well. He still Never owned up to it even after he found out we talked to each other. Everything was my fault because i assume, so he says. The messages i seen were imagined, i guess. But your right, if he won't even admit to that situation there is no way he'd admit to the men. Most likely would be a lose/lose situation for me. It just kills me because im sure that secret is destroying him and i would love to be the one person he could talk to about it. As much as it hurts knowing that there is never gonna be another chance for us, It hurts me just as much to know hes having to deal with this alone. Thank you for your advice I will definitely be using it
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Should i confront him?
He's not dealing with it alone - he's hooking up with men!
Glad you have broken up with him, suggest you stay well away and consider yourself lucky to have gotten away from him.
- MJM017
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Re: Should i confront him?
His behavior sounds unpredictable. Best to drop off his radar forever. Block his number and email. Ignore him if you see him around town. Keep your phone out in case he harasses you and goads you into a fight. He's groomed you to be a whipping post. It doesn't take much for an unpredictable, abusive guy to get angry, seek you out and blow up at you.
Reach out to trusted friends and family if you feel compelled to make contact. They can help you avoid it.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Daryl
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Re: Should i confront him?
You are not his therapist. You can't fix him. Don't let that desire keep you trapped in a bad situation.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer