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- Toward the Light
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Re: closeted husband dating again
Oohc, I’m thinking if you and sending you strength as you grieve the loss of you mother AND deal with truly getting out of his closet. The truth will set you free.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: closeted husband dating again
Thanks, Light. One step at a time. First the letter to the new woman/beard. Then one to my son. I've already had a preliminary conversation with him to set the stage. That second step will have to wait a bit as I travel to settle my mother's estate.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: closeted husband dating again
Sorry to hear you have lost your mum, but good to hear about the steps you are taking - it's so well thought out and inspiring.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: closeted husband dating again
So...I sent the letter to the woman. She wrote me back. She says he told her on an early date, and said to her that it was "compensatory behavior" and no longer happening.
I ask myself: were the seven years of shock and trauma, the blow to my self esteem, my femininity, my sense of myself as a woman, the upending of my life, all for a passing fancy? I used to ask myself when/if he would come to his senses. And now, he claims to this new woman that he has. He was willing to flush 35 years of marriage down the toilet for "the little girl that was never allowed to come into being" and for his "inner woman," and now says this is something he no longer needs?
I ask myself: as he's now come to his senses, where is his apology to me for putting me through hell?
I ask myself: does this sound like a preemptive strike by someone who fears his new girlfriend may hear rumors (there are people in their circle who know our story) and is assuring her in advance that it's not true? Is this, I mean to say, the behavior of a deeply closeted man?
I wish I'd never ever agreed to stand in his closet for even a New York minute, because this is the reward I get.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 17, 2022 5:54 pm)
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: closeted husband dating again
OutofHisCloset wrote:
I ask myself: does this sound like a preemptive strike by someone who fears his new girlfriend may hear rumors (there are people in their circle who know our story) and is assuring her in advance that it's not true? Is this, I mean to say, the behavior of a deeply closeted man?
Wouldn't shock me. At least you have ensured that this person knows what might happen, or still be, even if she hasn't seen it yet.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Lynne
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Re: closeted husband dating again
There is no cure for NPD or AGP. Everyone is an object to be used by these guys. It's only a matter of time before the new woman feels it. He's busy love bombing.her right now but that will pass soon enough..
IMO, it's best to leave the whole "trans" BS out of your discussion with your son. Tell him the truth. His Dad is personality disordered which causes him to lack any true sense of himself. He's a false persona every moment of his life. His cross-dressing fetish and AGP are behaviors and fantasies he uses to soothe the anxiety and emotional dysregulation of NPD.
So sorry to hear of the passing of your mom.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: closeted husband dating again
Lynne, Thanks for the bucking up. I will now think of his telling his new woman that his "trans" stage and cross-dressing behavior was "compensatory behavior" that yeah, it was compensatory, all right: compensatory for being a disordered a-hole.
One of Chump Lady's lessons has been on my mind this morning: "Trust that he sucks." Which he has proven yet again to be a truth usefully understood in relation to his behavior. For him to now characterize what he represented to me as the uncovering and coming out of a long suppressed self, and so important to him that he would torpedo a marriage of thirty-plus years, as just an psychological coping method for a situation now past and therefore unimportant is evidence that yes, he does indeed suck.
And yes, Daryl, my conscience is now clear. I have no doubt my ex has merely retreated deeply into his closet, but that "the itch that is nearly always there," as he once put it to me, is still operating. This new woman will see either the re-emergence of his "trans" persona, with its attendant behavior, or the behaviors he adopts when he is repressing it.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 18, 2022 8:22 am)
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Thread Starter