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October 5, 2022 12:24 pm  #1

Long story short, I don't think I can do this


My wife and I have been married for a little over five years and have a 4 y/o son between us.  About 3 weeks ago she came out as bi (again - she said she was into girls about 12 years ago when we first dated, but it never came up again after us being in different relationships and coming back together) and wants to act on it.  I don't have any reason to believe she's already cheated on me but I can't help that my trust in her feels shattered.  We've been in therapy for couples and it's been rough.  We can pretend that things are ok, fake it for the kid, but when we try to actually talk about something it just spirals into me being controlling because she's now dependent on me after quitting her job a year ago.  She has said to me, "I wish you would go sleep with 80 other women" because it would make her feel better about hurting me.  She doesn't understand that she's the only one I love which is why I married her.  Our relationship has always been strained but we stuck with it and I've always said I didn't want my son to grow up in a broken home.  Mom and Dad should be there together.  In her mind if things don't work out then we can "just cohabitate" and I'll continue to cover the bills and financially support her.  She says she still loves me and that I'm the only man she wants in her life, but I'm having problems seeing a future where she and I are BOTH happy and growing old(er) together.

My question for those that are in MOMs, were any of you this hurt/traumatized/angry when your partner came out?  If so, how did you get to being ok with this type of relationship?  Do the wounds heal in time?

This is all over the place.  I apologize to anyone reading this who can't understand it.  I'm lost.


October 13, 2022 9:28 am  #2

Re: Long story short, I don't think I can do this


My reply are some counter questions. Certainly not to criticize you, because I sure emphatize with your situation. But I hope to direct your attention to fundamental aspects of your being, your marriage, your spouse.

What is love? Do you have a definition of it, and very importantly also: does your wife?
Have you thought about it, talked about it? What is "love"... really?
Hollywood, feelings, will... are there different kinds of love? What is the meaning and extend of it?

What is sexuality in all of this?
No, not just lust or physical attraction: What is the meaning of sexuality, and how does it relate to love? Is sex just an physical happening, or does it encompass more? 
Well, it's much much more than that. It's a very important aspect of your relation.

What freedom of choice you have and do you experience influences in making decisions? Can you really think independently? Think again... can you? Are you following cultural or religious scripts?
What I regularly observe, some denounce the relgious script, and then subsequentially whole heartedly step into the cultural script. No, this is not independant thinking. It's just replacing one with the other.

Are feelings a base for you to take decisions on? Are feelings a reflection of a current state or an objective source? So... What are feelings, and how do you incorporate them into life and your relation?

What about important life values? What is right, and what is wrong? Do you agree on a solid base as a fall back, or is everything floating arround and subjective?

Well, I hope you get into conversation with you wife about this all. Not to pressure out of fear or coercion (financial or other things). Love only dwells in freedom.

For us, the total turn around in our relation, was about unconditional acceptance. Being real and open about accepting the other, both ways! Love that is unconditionally directed at the other.
Note: It has to go both ways! You both, straight and gay, have to accept each other fully, and describe your future based on that.

When I write it like this, I immediately get the "gay affirmative script" pressing on as the way to go. NO!
That's just exchanging one problem for the other. Being real and authentic, really goes into what love and values really are. What is the meaning and place of sexuality in all this. What is love and life really all about.
Well being in a MOM will certainly pose these questions. No doubt it will enrich you both, answering these questions.



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