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1 of 1- LostandAngry
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How Do I Get It Back?
Hi everyone. I’m terribly sorry if this is a bit long.
My ex boyfriend and I have been on and off for over 4 years now. He kept leaving because he has serious commitment issues. This stems from severe childhood sexual trauma and a 10 year marriage he never wanted to be in. We still always remained in touch and even now, more than a year after we finally called it quits for the last time, we still chat and check in on the other one every so often. It was a great love, and even though we couldn’t make it work and are no longer in love, we still care about each other a great deal.
During our time together there was a few times where he questioned his sexuality, because of the trauma he had as a child. At one point he did think he was bisexual too. I sat with him for nights trying to help him deal with his inner demons to try and figure out if this was what he wanted. Eventually he realised that he isn’t gay or bisexual and that he is attracted to woman and straight sex. We did experiment in the southern region a few times while in bed, but after a while he said we should stop, because he didn’t enjoy it and he prefers our normal activities. We broke up simply because it wasn’t working and we kept fighting more and more and it made us both miserable.
After the last breakup though, even though he didn’t want this, and wasn’t attracted to men, he decided to have full gay sex with one of our mutual gay friends. I didn’t know. Neither of them ever said anything to me. But they did everything to each other. Not just one way even. Afterwards he again realised he absolutely didn’t like it and would rather be with a woman, even though we had both figured this out together back then. My ex only told me about this a few days ago. I had seen this gay “friend” of ours after their encounter and he pretended that he hadn’t seen my ex since our break up.
At this moment I am absolutely mortified. Obviously because it was with someone I know and had seen since.
My ex and I had always had a wonderful and exciting sex life. I’m slim, well groomed, feminine, and I have always been a very sexual woman. He was always going on about how I was the greatest he had ever had, even his wife of 10 years couldn’t hold a candle. He still says that. It has always been something that made me feel beautiful and desirable. I’m ashamed to say that we slept together a couple of weeks ago, because neither of us have ever been able to keep our hands of each other.
This news is absolutely breaking me. I can’t deal with the image of the 2 of them together, and I can’t get it out of my mind. He didn’t do this after his marriage fell apart, and not after his other 2 breakups. He did it after he broke up with me. Then he slept with 2 other chicks after that.
I feel like there was something wrong with me, and thats why he was so quick to jump into a man’s bed after our breakup when he already kwew he wouldn’t like it. Like I failed him as a woman. His wife and his other girls kept him happy enough for him not to consider doing this after them. But when he left me, he chose a guy, and they switched positions and everything. Now he says it was the worst experience of his life and he wishes he hadn’t tried it.
This might sound silly, but at this very moment I feel unpretty, undesirable and unf*ckable. Like he has torn my sexuality and the very core of my womanhood off of me like skin.
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t stop crying, I can’t concentrate. All I see is them. And I can’t get rid of the horrible image.
If he was actually gay, I think it would have been easier, because then it would have been nobody’s fault. None of the women in his life would have ever made him happy and it would have been his own burden to carry. But something about ME made him do this. I was at my most vulnerable with him, and he chose a man after me. A friend. And did stuff with him that he didn’t like when we were together. And now suddenly he hates it again and likes girls.
I don’t know how to ever feel comfortable taking my clothes off in front of a man, how to be able to feel sexy or desirable again, because what he did will always be in the back of my mind. How do I know I won’t send another guy running to gay sex because I wasn’t enough or I failed him as a woman?
I don’t understand how he could tell me that I was the love of his life, and then humiliate me like this, in the worst possible way.
I feel like he took something from me as a woman that I can never get back, and I hate him for it. And angry that the most basic part of me is missing.
I can’t tell any of my friends, because they’re all friends with him too and I can’t betray his trust like that. It’s not my secret to tell. Plus I feel absolutely humiliated.
I’m sorry, I know my story is not completely the same as the general genre of the forum, but I really feel worthless as a woman. I found this forum and I have nobody to talk to about this. I just want my sexual confidence back and I’m terrified I’ll never be able to again. :’(
- lily
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
Hi Lost,
I am wondering why you say that if he was gay it wouldn't be anyone's fault - wouldn't he have been misleading you from the start?
Your story has a lot of classic signs of a Gay In Denial boyfriend.
Not to mention that I relate to how you are feeling.
I do not believe childhood sexual trauma can change a person's orientation. That's just not the case.
I wish I had some good advice or something comforting to say but I don't, oh maybe I do - engaging in artwork can help, getting your hands in the earth doing a bit of gardening, me I like clay, love it really, always have, from that first muddy puddle. you might find getting a lump of clay between your fingers helps. I am making a very big pot at the moment, out of clay dug up at the bottom of my garden.
Last edited by lily (October 12, 2022 2:23 pm)
- Bertuccio
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
Dear girl.
We've all been here one way or another.
You are not married to him. You don't have kids with him. You have zero need of mortifying your soul.
Accept that he never loved your nor will he ever be able to love you.
At the very least he will love having you play the role of girlfriend/wife/mother, but not you specifically.
It is a very hard pill to swallow. But once you do, you'll be over it sooner than you think.
- Daryl
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
No woman does anything that makes a man decide to try a dude. He did this because he wanted to.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
Because you had sex with him after he had sex with another man, please make sure that you have yourself tested for STIs.
- Blackie563
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
LostandAngry wrote:
This news is absolutely breaking me. I can’t deal with the image of the 2 of them together, and I can’t get it out of my mind. He didn’t do this after his marriage fell apart, and not after his other 2 breakups. He did it after he broke up with me. Then he slept with 2 other chicks after that.
This might sound silly, but at this very moment I feel unpretty, undesirable and unf*ckable. Like he has torn my sexuality and the very core of my womanhood off of me like skin.
’(
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please know there isnt anything you could ever do to make someone do something. He is a grown ass man and made a grown ass decision. Accepting anything less than that, is not accepting his responsibility for HIS actions. The fact that he contiunes to involve you knowing he has all sorts of issues is an indication that he is not emotionally mature, and at some level, very self centered.
for example, my wife decided she liked women after never having a thought of that in 41 years of living. Do I think she is gay? I do not, but it does not matter what I think. As I meet other women, I tell them while I can't stand my ex, I'm not over it. 23 years is a long time. Said differently, I dont want to use them, because that is what an asshole would do. As much as I want to get physical with them, its NOT RIGHT, because I know I am emotionally compromised. If this person loves you, they would see the pain their actions have caused and stop the behavior. Doesnt sound like he will, because its not about you, its about him and what he WANTS.
For the confidence, I am sure you are a beautiful woman with lots to offer the right person. Make a choice today, the choice to make changes in your life, and control what YOU can control, which isnt what happens, but how you respond. I made several life choices and am better for it. I am in the best shape I've been in over 20 years, women hit on me at the restaurants and I've made great connections. Not bragging, but focusing on me improved confidence and people respond to confidence. You CAN do this....but you have to be willing o sacrifice what you are now, for who you will become tomorrow.
Last edited by Blackie563 (October 13, 2022 6:40 am)
- LostandAngry
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
Because you had sex with him after he had sex with another man, please make sure that you have yourself tested for STIs.
Thank you. I did insist on protection, thank goodness. But I went for tests on Tuesday, just in case. Should get results this week, but I feel confident, because I was very careful because we’ve been apart for so long. He’s always been brutally honest with me, which is why he felt he could tell me the truth. I believe him when he says he was safe and that he used protection whis this other dude, but I couldn’t take any chances.
I still feel dirty, violated and betrayed though. I can’t seem to scrub it off of of me, no matter how hard I try. At least I’m finally at the point where he’ll never have the privilege of touching me again. Asshole!
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Thread Starter- LostandAngry
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
No woman does anything that makes a man decide to try a dude. He did this because he wanted to.
Technically I know this. Emotionally it’s still messing with my head and emotions.
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
No woman does anything that makes a man decide to try a dude. He did this because he wanted to.
Technically I know this. Emotionally it’s still messing with my head and emotions.
I get it. This sort of stuff really does a number on one's self-esteem and confidence. It can take time to get to the point where you say, that's on him, not on me.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Blue Bear
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Re: How Do I Get It Back?
A couple of observations.
First, you said "After the last breakup though, even though he didn’t want this, and wasn’t attracted to men, he decided to have full gay sex with one of our mutual gay friends". Yeah, he's attracted to men and gay. Straight guys don't have sex with other men because of the pain of a breakup with a woman.
Second, you said "I feel like there was something wrong with me, and thats why he was so quick to jump into a man’s bed after our breakup when he already kwew he wouldn’t like it. Like I failed him as a woman." So I'm going to tell you that you did indeed fail him as a woman...because he never wanted a woman in the first place. You will unquestionably be the right woman for a straight guy who will appreciate you for all you are. Your "failure" is the equivalent of a fine Italian chef being unable to keep a customer who only likes Chinese food happy. (In other words, the customer and your partner should have gone elsewhere.)
Third, my ex-wife and I had a decent sex life until she threw away the fraudulent life she built with me and decided to live her life as the lesbian she is. The ability of the in-denial partner to fake it is unbelievable and screws with your mind in hideous ways. I thought that something was wrong with me in "turning my wife into a lesbian", but now I realize that I was played in a long con by a master of deception. These people have masterfully faked their entire lives, and we are only part of the story.
Look out for you. There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing defective about you as a woman or a human being for having this happen to you. This will get better, but get away from him to start that process. Good luck, and keep posting.
Last edited by Blue Bear (October 18, 2022 11:49 am)