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October 9, 2022 10:14 pm  #1

Boyfriend of 3 years- fetish for TS MTF - meth addict - HIV+

*new- just realized I should’ve posted my story here*

I’m living a soap opera, a nightmare and I can’t wait to wake up. (He is 46, I am 43).

My BF hid his HIV status from me, and I found out by finding his Prep medication and had to confront him.  He told me he would get high on crystal and has a fetish for TS MTF.  He said he would have sex with men, group sex, loves sex with passable TS, and all types of sex with multiple people while high on meth.  Even admitting to sleeping with over 100 men, and slept with more men than women.

The beginning: I bailed him out of jail when we first met bc he went into psychosis and damaged a trucker’s windshield because he heard a crying baby and was going to rescue the baby. I remember calling him and the police answered the phone. It was very surreal, I thought it was a joke he was playing on me when the police answered the phone and told me he was under arrest for drugs and assault. After that fiasco, he was clean for 19 months- the longest he’s ever been clean. 

The first time he left me to do drugs and have sex with men:  He told me he had an anal fetish, we were experimenting one day, and then he said, “I’m not your soulmate. We had a good run. I do watch gay porn”, and then he left to do drugs and have sex with men.

His comedown:  When he came back from his bender, he cried and told me he doesn’t want to lose me. Says he doesn’t know why he can’t stop doing drugs. Swears up and down that he is not gay or bi and that he could never have a relationship with a man or a TS.

My friends told me meth doesn’t make you gay, and that he uses meth as an excuse to have sex with men or TS. 

Through your our relationship:  Whenever I brought up his sexuality or tried telling him it is ok to be gay, he never wanted to discuss it, would gaslight me or manipulate me and tell me I’m crazy.

Our sex life was just sex- no passion, no lust, and he never moaned like he enjoyed it, eyes closed, made excuses for not wanting to have sex.

He is an Electrician, construction boots big hands Mr. fix-it type, extremely handsome, 6’0”, but also effeminate which I thought that was bc he’s from LA. I’ve been told I am an attractive woman and that I deserve better- as in someone who doesn’t lie to me, manipulate me into thinking I am crazy, the gaslighting, the drug addiction, convicted felon, his questionable sexuality, oh- and he gave me Syphilis which turned into neurosyphillis.

I found Grindr on his phone one month ago, and saw email exchanges between him and a TS that he had sex with in June while in NJ, (we live in CA), and I was finally strong enough to kick him out. I’ve been told that he met a TS girl in her 20’s who calls him Daddy. He was with her one month ago and then started showing bumps on his lip, and she kicked him out. He sobered up, told me the reason he uses is bc of our relationship, apologized for hurting me but he continues to play the victim.

I found out last night that he is with her again.

The lies and deception and the abuse I felt over the last 3 years is overwhelming. So much so that I have PTSD from the STD, and my mind created MPX symptoms last month. I’m negative and clean thank god. But my body is definitely going through an acute stress reaction.

I can’t believe this is my life. But I am grateful to see this support forum. My emotions change by the hour. I cry, I’m mad, I’m ok. I don’t know how to go through the transition period rt now, he always comes back. But this time I was strong enough to set boundaries and block him on my phone. I am emotionally exhausted and just want to be alone. But I miss our daily text messages. I miss cuddling at night. I miss the sober person he used to be. This is the hardest part at the moment. =(

You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

Believe that we will meet our person and it will get better!!

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