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October 6, 2022 7:53 am  #11

Re: closeted husband dating again

Thanks again, all, for your advice and comfort.  I'm still mulling my response--if any--over.  I've been no contact with my ex for quite some time, which has been hugely important to healing, so I'm not likely to say anything to him.  His behavior is just one more proof that I, as Chump Lady would say, should "trust that he sucks." My own hurt I will have to deal with as I can on my own.  Whether I say anything at all to the woman is my conundrum.  Telling her might not make an iota of difference to whether she decides a relationship with my ex is undesirable; but then again, it might.  It still feels to me as if she has a right to know what she's getting involved with, and he will most certainly not tell her.  So I'll mull it over.  I may decide that my best option is to just go along on the path I'm on, where anything to do with his life is not my concern. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 6, 2022 7:53 am)


October 6, 2022 4:07 pm  #12

Re: closeted husband dating again

Sorry to hear that OOHC, it's horrid isn't it.  I had a similar thing happen - nowadays I am far enough away not to have a clue what he's doing and I am comfortable with that - but at the time I struggled, feeling the same things you have said, so I was glad when she backed off anyway, on her own account.



October 7, 2022 6:04 am  #13

Re: closeted husband dating again

Good morning OOHC, I identify completely with your conundrum as I’m in the same place  (except I recently told my adult sons my truth about my experience with there father). I see you and me in a true ethical dilemma vis a vis the new woman. I recently wrote to NYTimes Ethics column with my name withdrawn about this issue. My query about what to do has not been published but it was very helpful to me to process the dilemma on paper. Writing does that for me. I still don’t have my answer from me or anyone else and would be happy to share the piece I wrote in the private message function of this site IF I can figure out how to reach you through that. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope.


October 7, 2022 8:05 am  #14

Re: closeted husband dating again

Toward the Light: I happen to know Anthony Appiah, the NYT ethicist, and after seeing the "wokeness" tilt in his answers, think you are better off if he doesn't answer you.  I suspect he will take the common view of saying that one isn't allowed to "out" a closeted person.  (I disagree on the basic level of speaking the truth about one's own experiences is "outing."  "Outing" I reserve for "trying to harm someone by revealing their hidden sexuality.")  I'd love to see what you wrote, however, and could share with you my own private writing on this dilemma.

And Lily, it is horrid.  I did not think my ex would ever get involved with another woman, but I see I underestimated his perfidy.

     Thread Starter

October 7, 2022 4:22 pm  #15

Re: closeted husband dating again

Okay OOHC. I just sent my query piece  to you via Private Message function. I hope it helps you to know you are never alone. Keep posting!


October 7, 2022 4:34 pm  #16

Re: closeted husband dating again

Light: I didn't see your message in my inbox.  

I actually don't post much anymore.  I've been on the forum since 2016, and much more active earlier, when I needed it more.  This latest development, though, took me aback--and back to a bad place.

     Thread Starter

October 7, 2022 8:56 pm  #17

Re: closeted husband dating again

Oohc—problem was 3000 character  limit so I sent it in two tranches and those did show up as “sent” this time. I can’t recall when I first posted here… Sometime between 2012 (the “discovery”) and 2016 (the divorce).


October 11, 2022 9:51 am  #18

Re: closeted husband dating again

An update:  This morning I made a first step in letting the woman my closeted ex is dating the truth. 

  I composed and sent a letter to a friend who is a close friend to the woman my ex is now involved with.  (This friend knows the truth about my ex, and talked to another mutual friend about feeling the dilemma of knowing the truth, but said she wasn't planning to tell the woman in question, information the mutual friend disclosed to me.)  In the letter I explained that I've always said that I would tell any woman who got involved with my ex the truth, because my ex does is not entitled to decide for himself what a woman needs to know, and that the woman deserves the truth so she can make an informed decision about whether she chooses to pursue a relationship with him.  (I sure wish I'd had this information!)

  I asked my friend to let me know if she could counsel me on how serious the woman is about my ex, and how long they've been dating, so I could tailor my own letter to the woman better.  (Will I simply say "You need to know that [my ex] has a secret sexual life and is hiding both his sexual and gender identities from you.  If you need proof, or want to talk to me about it, please contact me," or will I go into more detail?)

 Now I'll wait and see what response I get, if any, and make the rest of my plans from there. 

     Thread Starter

October 15, 2022 7:27 pm  #19

Re: closeted husband dating again

New update:
   My friend has replied to my query.  I have taken what she had to say to heart, and I have written a letter to the woman my ex is involved with.  I've had another friend look it over, give advice, and revised it.  Now I'm sitting on it overnight, planning to send it off tomorrow.  I could be unleasing a sh-tstorm on my head (if she shows it to my ex), or saving her from a lot of heartbreak down the road (should she respond by deciding she doesn't want to be involved with my ex).  But I have always said that I would not let him hoodwink another woman, and that goes double for someone I have in the past considered a friend.  

     Thread Starter

October 15, 2022 7:37 pm  #20

Re: closeted husband dating again

Whatever happens, I expect you will feel that you did the right thing.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

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