Victo wrote:

........ she thinks I’m dreamy and kind and smart and handsome but that we are not a match because of her insecurities...........

 

That was super-honest of her. She obviously knows she has personal baggage and can see you do too because you've been honest with her about your situation

Elle
 

Victo,

So sorry. All red flags with that woman despite hitting it off in person.  Can see why your down and hurt.

Ghosting you and not just saying on the app or a text....no thanks.. big flag. If she felt bad  why could she not contact you on the app again to explain. 

Texting your ex.  Triple red flag..game over.  I don't see the kindness in that. It seems and is crazy. I'd rather stay ghosted.   

She may be the nicest person in the world but I don't think you need such drama in your life. Or at least you need someone that can treat you kindly and normally from day one.  It's a sad thing as there are many good people but some issues are not for us.

So very sad.  I generally tried to stay away from any craziness.    One profile the person said she gets along extremely well with her ex and one must be comfortable with that
..my translation..you need to date me and my ex.   No..no I do not.

Another I was supposed to meet but one change in my schedule with the time caused her to call off all contact.. ok..do I really need someone who says my way or the highway..  No, no I do not.

Another much tougher one.  This woman I talked a lot to during and after  my divorce at my kids sports games contacted me just now out of the blue.   Where was her interest before when she knew I was divorced and enjoyed our conversations. She made it clear then she had no further interest even though we got along really great. Based on my narc GX abuse and some self esteem there was no way I was throwing myself at or pining for anyone who didn't express the same interest about me.  It's a sad thing because id bet we would have made a good couple.  But I think there is a normal moral behavior or etiquette  that we should expect..a kindness..the person should not hurt..

So sorry about your experience(s).
I dont have any answers.. 
I don't know why some people cannot be just normal and kind..I don't think we should accept poor treatment though...if we want that  our exs are a phone call away.

Last edited by Rob (September 27, 2022 3:57 pm)

Nauseous and devastated wrote:

Blackie563 wrote:

Victo wrote:

I want someone who wants me. Specifically me.

I'll be honest (because I always am). When I read this, I nearly cried. Not because of "her", but because this resonated with me so strongly. I haven't been able to find the words, but this is it....I spent over half my life, 23 years, with someone who didn't want ME, and all I want if for someone to want me, specifically me...not just someone or the idea of what they think they should have. 
....

Those words exactly. I’ve spent almost 25 years with someone who “wanted to be a husband and father” but probably never really wanted me, specifically me, the way that I deserved to be wanted. I was just the sucker for who allowed him to get what he wanted in life. What I would give for that feeling of real, genuine love.

Victo, you sound like a wonderful person. Hang in there.

Same here.   23 years with someone who wanted the life that being with me gave him but didn't really want me.  So devastating.  I know what I deserve and am so angry.  They were so selfish.

Blackie563 wrote:

Daryl wrote:

One word of advice - don't ask him how it's going (or share similar about yourself). It's part of the detachment you should be working towards. 

This is just in time. I was just contemplating asking her this question. I won't now, knowing it is part of the detachment and would likely only bring me back in, which I don't want to do now that I can at least smell and taste the freedom and air that isnt full of lies and dishonesty. Thanks, Daryl

It's not that you shouldn't care. I honestly don't want to see anyone living in a bad situation. What if your ex wants to punish you? "Everything is fine! Never better!!" Even if it's a lie, it's to make you feel bad about the situation. What if the ex is a bit of a controlling narcissist? You are re-engaging with them, giving them the spotlight they want. Maybe you are giving them the opportunity to regurgitate every supposed slight and insult you ever made to them?

Moving on is tough but must be attempted. Also remember the mantra "Not my monkey, not my circus."

Victo & Blackie:
My goodness, how I'd love to be wanted that way: me, & no one else. I'm afraid that will never be possible with my wife. She's got other ideas. She desires women. Not me. Made abundantly clear tonight.