"This thread is even pointless."

You make a good point Victo

This Forum is great for whenever you simply need to express your thoughts

Elle

lily wrote:

Once I"d wrapped my head around the extraordinary levels of deception and he was in the rearview mirror I am still left needing to untangle the screw-up to my story, to my life, the expression of my sexuality, the heart and soul of me.

You can't stuff it into a basket forever, it comes spilling out and it takes two to knit a yarn.  so I think rule number one is  not to beat yourself up.  

 

Yes yes yes - all of those things. Too much to untangle. It’s just so surreal and so massive and all encompassing. And how does anyone move forward from this? And you can’t just put it aside but yet you also can’t just spill it out either. And how do you even know who you are anymore or who you used to be?

Yes, it is a roller-coaster of emotions. Over time the hills and valleys will level out.
One word of advice - don't ask him how it's going (or share similar about yourself). It's part of the detachment you should be working towards.

Hope the pet chaos settles soon.
 

Last edited by Daryl (September 27, 2022 8:18 am)

So the reason yesterday was bad is nutty.  I’ll just tell the story:

I met a lovely single mom online.  Lovely.  We chatted for a couple weeks via a dating app.  We even discussed the SSA issue and she had a step dad (divorce atty) who had been married to her mom but who came out and divorced her out of the blue in 4 days after ten years together!!  So she understood the mindfuck!

I even explained that I had felt targeted by LGBTQ types and she completely understood and assured me she was into men.  And she was truthful.  Meanwhile, I  kept sending her my number, but communication stayed in the app.  We had planned to meet two different times and she backed out both times for seemingly legit reasons.

Finally, there was an orchestra concert in a local park that a relative of mine was performing at, so I was going anyway and I invited her along and she agreed and she even showed up.  And again, she was as lovely in person as on the app.

And we hit it off very well, and because my relative was performing, I had several family members there so she even met several people in my family!! 

I woke up the next morning to thank her for showing up and to nobody’s surprise reading this, she had deleted me off the app.

And I instantly felt down.  It was okay.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  And if you have been on these apps trying to date, you know by now that ghosting is common.  I have met maybe 100 women by now since the mindfuck and this is not that bad of a story.

But the whole thing seemed weirder than usual because the attraction was there and it was clearly mutual.

So a couple hours go by and I get an out of the blue text from my GID narcissist abuser ex.  And my blood pressure goes up just seeing the text hit my phone. 

Apparently, this lovely woman from the date who had ghosted me felt bad about ghosting me, had searched for me online, somehow found my ex’s number and texted HER!!!

So my ex sent along the contact info to me.  Now my ex didn’t comment or make much of a deal out of it, but the circumstances of it alone made everything that much more confusing and angsty.

And so I contacted this strange but lovely woman back and she was super embarrassed about involving  my ex.  She said she just wanted to let me know that she felt bad about ghosting me, that she thinks I’m dreamy and kind and smart and handsome but that we are not a match because of her insecurities.  She wants someone “more settled”.  And I’m thinking to myself how hard I have tried in my life to be settled but despite every effort, how unsettled I feel. 

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

(And, she finally tells me, she has just gotten out of a relationship with a cop who she thinks is spying on her digital communications, etc…). 🤦‍♂️

And that is fine and again, is on par for the kind of lovely person she actually is.  Even in rejecting me, she wanted to make me feel good.  It is far preferable to the ghosting.  But the whole situation, particularly that my GID narcissist abuser ex got involved, just made me question my whole life all over again.

I want someone who wants me.  Specifically me.  And despite being married and having many girlfriends over the years, I have never had someone who wants me.  I have had people who wanted SOMEONE.   But being wanted for being myself is something that just does not seem to click for me in this universe.  I’m in my fifties and the whole chemistry and connection thing is extremely confusing to me.  More so now than at any point in my life.  And I remember feeling this way as a teenager!!!

Maybe these are good problems to have?  I know I’m dating and putting myself out there, and that is closer to where I want to be, but the confusion and awkwardness is still there every day, and the fact that despite everything I have done in my life and all that I have achieved, I’m still in the exact same emotional spot I was in when I was 17, but just with a lot more damage and less faith and trust… it makes me feel crazy.

Anyway… we all share stories here and this one is slightly different.  Thanks for reading.  I appreciate you all so much.