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1 - Ellexoh_nz
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I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
My partner and I are sleeping in the same bed again because my son is using the room that I was in. And that's been okay. We were dismantling a work desk to make more room .. Vacuuming, tidying.... And as I was replacing his clothes boxes back into his shelves I saw a shopping bag right at the back of one of them. So I looked. A cock ring, a rubber? oval-shaped thing that looked like a pump and a box of condoms (some had been opened).
Now we haven't had sex for 2 years, at my insistence, so this didn't affect me as such
... but I thought "why the fuck am I still here? What's stopping me from leaving?"
If I'm honest... it's money and comfort. I was going to ring my lawyer this morning and begin seperation. I thought "I use everybody else' problems ( and feeling I should stay, not upset the applecart and leave ) as a reason to stay.
I hate my life at the moment
KIA KAHA
- Toward the Light
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Hi E, Are “money and comfort” worth being buried alive? And won’t you get money to live from in a divorce? And at least half of what brings you comfort? Try Listing your fears. Those are always related to either losing something we have or not getting something we want. And take that list to a counselor or close friend. I’ve learned there is a big difference between loneliness, isolation and solitude. I live mostly in the latter now and it’s peaceful. Please know we are here for you no matter whether you stay or go. I remember asking a therapist something like “when will I know when it’s time to walk out the porch door?” And she answered something like “when staying gets more unbearable than leaving.” You’ll know, Elle. In the meantime, take good care of yourself.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
My comments in red
Toward the Light wrote:
Hi E, Are “money and comfort” worth being buried alive? I don't feel buried alive yet and I hope I'll know it when I am.
And won’t you get money to live from in a divorce? And at least half of what brings you comfort? It's a step I'd have to take that feels daunting. I spent 30+ years making this life, and now I have to halve it!
Try Listing your fears. Those are always related to either losing something we have or not getting something we want. And take that list to a counselor or close friend. I spoke with a counsellor on Zoom for an hour and a half 2 days ago (first time in absolute ages) and one thing she said was "what would you say to a friend who was going through what you're going through?" and I had to say I'd probably say "leave, I'm here to help"But then I have nobody to tell me to tell me that. I'm doing it on my own.
I’ve learned there is a big difference between loneliness, isolation and solitude. I live mostly in the latter now and it’s peaceful. I spend much of my days alone and I'm okay with it too, but have been in a r'ship for so long.
Please know we are here for you no matter whether you stay or go. I remember asking a therapist something like “when will I know when it’s time to walk out the porch door?” And she answered something like “when staying gets more unbearable than leaving.” You’ll know, Elle. In the meantime, take good care of yourself I am SO grateful I have the Forum. Thank you Toward
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Elle,
I get it. Yes I'm years divorced but I understand.
I spent like 2.5 years living with and divorcing my GX. It was hell on earth because she was so cruel the entire time. It got to the point where I would park on side of the road not wanting to go home. It was when I realized if I was homeless on the street it would be better than the abuse I was getting. I was already on pills to stop the shaking from the distrust and lying . I guess the abuse and hurt outweighed the fears had of the future separated.
If your husband is not being cruel I can see why, coupled with the finances, it's tolerable and makes leaving hard.. dont beat yourself up..there is no time frame or anyone saying you have to leave today or next month or ever..we all do what we have to do to survive.
Strange that your husband finds the present situation ok. Than again nothing these spouses do is normal..
I'm not familiar with laws in your area but where I am things are split 50/50..one gets half of everything..half the house, half the accounts, half a kid..
A kind e-hug..you've help so many here and deserve so much happiness.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Rob
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Elle,
I get it. Yes I'm years divorced but I understand.
I spent like 2.5 years living with and divorcing my GX. It was hell on earth because she was so cruel the entire time. It got to the point where I would park on side of the road not wanting to go home. It was when I realized if I was broke and homeless on the street it would be better than the abuse I was getting. I was already on pills to stop the shaking from the distrust and lying . I guess the abuse and hurt outweighed the fears I had of the unknown future separated.
If your husband is not being cruel I can see why, coupled with the finances, it's tolerable and makes leaving hard.. dont beat yourself up..there is no time frame or anyone saying you have to leave today or next month or ever..we all do what we have to do to survive.
Strange that your husband finds the present situation ok. Than again nothing these spouses do is normal..
I'm not familiar with laws in your area but where I am things are split 50/50..one gets half of everything..half the house, half the accounts, half a kid..
A kind e-hug..you've help so many here and deserve so much happiness.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
.....................Strange that your husband finds the present situation ok. Than again nothing these spouses do is normal..
I'm not familiar with laws in your area but where I am things are split 50/50..one gets half of everything..half the house, half the accounts, half a kid..
A kind e-hug..you've help so many here and deserve so much happiness.
Cheers for the hug Rob
No he's not cruel at all. Quite bland actually, but happy/pleasant. I could make him cruel though. I'd just have to start asking questions, demand answers. I simply can't be bothered anymore.
I knew I had to write this all down, just to put it in front of people who know.!
Laws are the same in NZ. 50/50 but the 4 adult children would rebel at being halved LOL. Actually it's one thing (the family) that I don't want to change. We get on so well.
So many thoughts about this crammed in my head!!
Elle
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Thread Starter- Nauseous and devastated
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
It’s so confusing. So much of what you wrote is what’s going through my head everyday. We still sleep in the same bed. He’s kind and thoughtful and the day to day life is “normal” and maybe even a little bit better since he’s more open in our conversations. Our financial situation makes the prospect of divorce even more frightening for me than it would be if money wasn’t a concern. I don’t want my kids’ happy lives to be turned upside down and their psyches to be harmed by this. Finding the items you found must have been a gut punch - almost like a concrete reminder of what the realities are. Sometimes I just to pretend none of this happened but it comes crashing back into my head and I get even more confused. While I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this and that we are in a situation where we need this support, I am grateful that you posted your words and for the replies and words of support from those who responded. I hope it gave you some relief to get them out and I hope you found some reassurance in the replies you received. Your and their words have helped me a great deal this morning.
- Gloria
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Elle, I understand why you have stayed. I stayed one year with my gay ex boyfriend . My therapist told me to write down the pros and cons and decide what to do. Money was also an issue. I think it is for a lot of us. My gay ex was kind to me but after a year, I wanted more. You always refered to your man(?) as your partner and not husband. Check the laws in your country and see if you are entitled to money. I will not tell you to leave. I will not tell you that your husband, boyfriend(?) does not love you. Those words hurt and I do not wish to hurt you anymore than a certain person posing as a man has. I am holding a good thought for you.
- Anon2222
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
No judgement here. Honestly, if gay husband hadn't walked up to me and said I'm divorcing you....I would probably be doing the same thing. I would have just kept living the way things were for who knows how long. Honestly, just the comfort and convenience of it is everything. I am not "enjoying" the process in any way, shape or form.....I'm exhausted, stressed, heart broken and broke. And in a few days I lose having a person to talk to in the evenings and help with the million things that go into taking care of a house and life. To say this process is devastating is an understatement.
Virtual hugs. You do what you have to do to protect yourself, live, and be as happy as you can.
I say this as my gay husband is literally packing a box for his move out....
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Ellexoh,
Before you had to move back into the bedroom with your (non)partner, you established certain boundaries in your head so you didn't have to think about his sexual activities with other men. That's part of how you've managed to stay in your relationship.
Moving back into the bedroom, if only temporarily, placed you in proximity to what you have to keep away from to maintain the status quo of living with your partner. Your discovery of his gay sex toys disrupted your ability to keep the wall up. The concrete presence of those items was a forceful confrontation with the reality of his sexual actions that you have spent a lot of time suppressing. (I had a similar reaction after I left my husband and went back to the house to collect some of my things and found his dildo. And that upset me even though I had already left!)
No one gets out of or stays in these relationships without pain. I know you have spent a lot of time making the mental adjustments that have allowed you to stay--emotional detachment, etc. Staying with your partner, unfortunately, means that you will always be in danger of this kind of disruption of the system by which you manage to stay. Leaving would mean you would experience a different kind of pain and disruption, which you identify as "money and comfort." I certainly understand that a motivation to stay and find a way to live with it; it kept me in my marriage for a while, until for me the balance tipped, and I was willing to take the financial hit rather than endure the psychic one.