OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- lily
- Member
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
I think a lot of the time the gay one wants to remain friends until the ink is drying on the dotted line. So that needs to be considered.
image v reality indeed.
The other day I met up with a friend leaving my car in a spot where people regularly carpool from and when she dropped me back there later on there was an exchange going on - a young boy being passed from one parent to the other and he was reaching out his arms and crying for his mummy it was gut wrenching and for me the horrifying thing was I couldn't tell which way it was around - had the mother played the boy into making the scene or was it for real. If so how much pain would she be in to drive away leaving him there and if not, if she had set him up, what an agony to put her son and his father through.
- kathyinNE
- New member
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
After 33 years of marriage I am two months into this nightmare. He too wants to stay best friends.And live his new lifestyle.
I have been dealing with a scheduled family vacation coming up. (whether or not he should come.) I ran it by my adult kids and sister who are coming on the vacation. They turned it right back to me , whatever I need/want.
My counselor asked me to make a pro/con list regarding this decision. I did. When reviewing it with her, she pointed out that the list was 90 % + about everyone but me. Then she asked me to make a list of only my feelings. I did that. All my statements were "I feel, I want, I need. (Can I just say - This was HARD!) This new list came out 100% against him coming on vacation. I was truly surprised by the results. It was very eye opening for me. I was of the mind that we could remain friends. Now? I don't know.
Give yourself the time and space for what you need. That is the biggest take away for me from this exercise.
- Victo
- Member
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
This is exactly my issue. I WANTED to make our world easy, stress free and fun. But I only succeeded in burying my own needs to please others. It turned into a nightmare for me. I found myself being hollowed out in order to maintain the image of a kind of perfect life.
It was anything but perfect. It left me completely drained and seemingly incapable of doing anything healthy for myself.
Even trying to reclaim a tiny bit of myself was depicted as incredible selfishness on my part. It was a one-way fault system that always left me reeling.
Friendship is not possible with an extreme narcissist like this unless you are willing to always and entirely sacrifice yourself forever.
Given how profoundly they have already deceived us, I recommend against pursuing friendship if you ever want any hope of personal recovery.
What is frustrating for me is that I’m nowhere near “recovery” despite seeing and living this truth. This is not easy in any way.
- firefly
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
I can hardly believe that there are so many of us in this situation.
I think the request to be friends is hurtful because there is no space made for our hurt, sadness, grief, anger, confusion, and loss. The coming out spouse often doesn't want to hear it. Society doesn't want to hear it either. I didn't invest decades of my life with someone just to end up as friends.
I wish all of us healing. This is nothing I would wish on anyone.
- MyExodus
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
!
Last edited by MyExodus (August 21, 2022 9:04 am)
- Blue Bear
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
If you have kids, the goal is to be "friendly", not necessarily "friends".
Keep in mind that the person with whom you might be seeking friendship is not the same person as the one you originally met. The person you married was a fantasy, and the person before you now is the real deal. And you don't have to be "friends" with someone who lied to you, married you under false pretenses, and totally used you to fake a heteronormative life.
- MJM017
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Re: Anyone stay friends with ex?
There's no one-size-fits-all solution to this. My GIDXH was cruel and scary. He tricked me into not having kids.
I divorced him to get away for good. He wanted to be friends but just asked me & a few relatives for money. That was the extent of his "friendship." He had a personality disorder. Unfortunately, he did take advantage of people, and, therefore, would never be a trustworthy and genuine friend.
Last edited by MJM017 (September 21, 2022 8:16 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa