"He has known since 7th grade."  Meaning: he married you under false pretenses because doing so enabled him to have a heterosexual life as a husband (!) and father.  What you might have wanted never came into his decision.  You and what you wanted were not important to him.  Through the roof entitlement even 25 years ago.  World class rationalization in service to his narcissism. 

And now, after 25 years, the secret he kept from you got to be too much for him to bear, so he decided to unload it onto you.  Apparently he thinks that enough time has passed that knowing the truth at this stage of your life won't matter to you or upset the apple cart of your serving as his beard in this fake marriage you're in.  That he can even contemplate the belief, let alone believe, that you would be fine living for the rest of your life as his beard for the dubious security of not being alone and being "grandparents together" says he is still the same deluded, entitled narcissist he was when he married you under false pretenses that served his interests but discounted yours.  

  If you divorce him, you won't be alone.  You'll have your children, your friends, and any grandchildren your children might produce.  You don't need him in order to be a grandparent, and I would think being a grandparent "together" with him while living in his closet and as his beard would be infinitely more difficult and painful than being a honest, loving, open grandparent on your own.  I will venture to say that he has pulled this inducement out of his hat because he believes it will best appeal to you.  In other words, it's a tactic that he believes gives him his best shot at continuing the status quo.  Harsh on my part?  Maybe, but you can't expect sincerity and honesty out of a man who has been willing to lie to you for his own benefit for the past 25 years. 

   After disclosure one of the difficult mental tasks for us is to stop seeing our spouses as the honest brokers we have believed them to be for the years we were married to them, and to recast our understanding of what we can expect of them now that we know they were lying to us for the years before and during our marriage.  And that is true whether we have sympathy for their struggle or not; the reality is that they made the decision to lie and hide, and to excuse this decision, to justify it to themselves, an entire set of mental contortions and rationalizations on their part follows. 

Also: a word of warning.  The therapist you are seeing as a couple may support your husband in his demand that you not "out" him.  This is why you need a therapist of your own, to support you, and only you, as you decide what is best for you, not one who will counsel you in ways that would allow this sham of a marriage to continue.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 27, 2022 10:47 am)

Devastated,

I echo oohc's post above.

It's very hard to keep their secret..it will knaw at you, permeate everything. It's what I call the horribleness of TGT..
.ie if they meet a friend to go shopping is it two friends getting together or a date?  Why should you have to wonder?

They seem oblivious to the anxiety and trauma and distrust  they've caused..that also adds to the hurt and trauma.

You have to tell someone..friend, family, a personal therapist (not a joint one)..  build your support system.    Because he is not supporting you anymore..but is rather causing the trauma.  Only in his mind does he think he's supporting you..in real reality he is hurting you.


At some point I realized asking/getting my GXs permission for anything was forfeited by her when she kept this secret.  These spouses are not God's, demigods or Supreme  beings that we have to obey..  we would if they weren't hurting us..


Wishing you strength and courage.

Nauseous and devastated wrote:

My husband of 23 years told me he is gay almost three weeks ago. Like so many of you, my entire world imploded with that one sentence. I am devastated and terrified and in complete shock. I had no idea whatsoever.

I am so sorry to hear this. I am 3 weeks in of my wife of 19 years (23 together) telling me something similar. Your pain is raw and not much different than I felt/feel. Be prepared for cycles, extreme sadness, anger, rage, resentment, back again. Its ok. You're a human being who has been hurt badly. If it helps, I have not missed the gym 1 days since finding out. I looked ok prior, but now I am ripped (not a bad thing especially since I think I am headed for a divorce) but its helps mentally. Find a way to eat something heathy and keep moving, 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time.

Some days are better than others. I am happy to listen, we have many similarities. My kids dont know yet either, only because she hasnt said she is a lesbian, but trying to figure out if she is or is just bi. Either way, I dont trust anything she says, not because I think she is lying to me, but because she is lying to herself. 

Hang in there. Let me know if you'd like to talk. 
 

Dear N&D,

It's your story and your life.   You are not his servant, his property, or a little bit less equal to him that he can choose how he wants you to act.

I think there's more to this than just an admission.    It makes no sense to tell you out of the blue.  Either there's been infidelity or this is a placeholder in case he plans to prowl around for it.   

Am really sorry he's not an upstanding husband or good friend to you. You deserve a lot more out of a spouse than this.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 17, 2022 6:21 pm)

My ex-wife started her lesbian affair 4.5 years ago.  It's been quite the journey since then, but I have developed a good perspective.

These marriages are abusive.  (Look up the definition of "abuse" if you question this.). The abuser has no right to control his/her victim's messaging about What Happened.  If you want to tell the world he's gay, that's your absolute, 100%, inalienable right.

Sometimes, the in-denial partner will try to convince their straight partner that they are maliciously outing them, which is dead wrong.  Maliciously outing someone is revealing someone's sexual orientation against their wishes for the purpose of inflicting harm, shame, or other adverse consequences.  That's not your intent here -- you are simply sharing your story, and if your spouse didn't want to be "outed", perhaps he shouldn't have entered into the pretext of a fraudulent marriage.