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August 6, 2022 2:04 pm  #11

Re: Limbo

Limbo is a common term, feeling stuck is another - it is a real sensation and if you are a straight spouse then it has been there from the moment you hitched your wagon to a gay star.

How bad is it? - gets worse with time, not better no matter what you do.

Authentic - you ask what that means in another post - it means not being in limbo land.  I have failed to remarry but I do not have the feeling of being in limbo any more.  


August 6, 2022 2:14 pm  #12

Re: Limbo

Welcome to the Forum SS  
My comments in red

SS2022 wrote:

My husband of 20 plus years came out as gay several months ago. I was blindsided.  It's been very difficult.  I am only now starting to feel like I can think clearly.  It happens to us all SS. The bomb gets dropped and even if there have been red flags we just don't think the Mindfuck's going to happen to us. 
We are still married but are trying to figure out what to do.  MOM? Divorce? Separate?  All options seem to be filled with pain and loss.  We don't fight.  A bit of advice....don't figure it out together all the time. Leave space for your own thoughts and wishes because these men tend to think about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (!) as only benefitting themselves so start this journey with the realisation that to survive it you''ll have to be more selfish than giving. This is him changing the life of you and your children so change it on your terms not his
Our kids are unaware currently.  We don't want to hurt them.  The thought of breaking up our family keeps me up at night.  Losing time with our kids, custody issues, supporting two households on a one household budget, etc,. Plus my own pain and grief.  These thoughts keep me stuck. I hate limbo but don't know what to do. Well for a start you have too much going on in your head. Concentrate on one thing at a time, Yip I know it's hard but if the children don't know yet (kids are very clever when it comes to the vibes their parents give off though) that's the future you're thinking about. Focus on how you feel now about it all. Are you talking to anybody about this (not your husband, somebody you can trust who has your best interests at heart) because nobody should ever do this alone

How do I get unstuck? You get unstuck by coming here, reading, posting, asking questions. Knowledge is power but first you have to be honest with what you want and once you agree to a MOM your life changes. Once you agree to your Significant Other having sex, time, exploration, whatever! with any other person the dynamics of your r'ship are forever changed. The most important decision for me was deciding I could no longer be intimate with my partner (no sex for 5 years....meh) Our kids were adults when all this began which made is easier, and we live as companions because my love for him turned into survival (I'm 64)


KIA KAHA                       

August 6, 2022 2:25 pm  #13

Re: Limbo

Look sorry for being the old cynic but here you are worrying about can we be friends - spare a thought for how much money can you get from him because I bet he already has thought long and hard on the subject before he said a word to you.


August 6, 2022 7:52 pm  #14

Re: Limbo

Thank you all!  I am overwhelmed (in a good way) with your advice, kindness, and empathy. I am taking a deep breath.  I am going to reread what has been shared.  There is a lot to think about and process. Sometimes I still feel like I am in shock.  This is not a situation I ever dreamed would happen. I feel a bit lost and sick to my stomach most of the time.  I have a couple close friends and a counselor I am leaning on for support, so that helps.  I really appreciate that I can come here and share my thoughts - you all get it.

     Thread Starter

August 7, 2022 5:04 am  #15

Re: Limbo

I am struggling with a similar situation.

We discussed the possibility of MOM
Last Tuesday she didn't see it happening or wanting to happen. She is eager to get a fresh start and start dating and experiencing sex with women and all that, and what she needs from women is not just sex, but more than that, so even an open MOM would not work. (seriously I think half the times rather I am hearing the voices of the tiktokers she follows rater than her own voice). Then she told me she wanted to start discussing the logistics of the separation.

That very afternoon, not even an hour after, she cancelled her dinner plans with a friend, and wanted me to come back home. She felt sick and she missed me, and now she wants to give us a time and try the MOM.

But I know she is not commited to the MOM, not even one bit. She is afraid of failure, of losing me... but she does not see the MOM working, nor does she want it to work. But maybe she will within time? I am so torn.

And of course the logistics of us separating are quite tragic.
- Full custody to one of the parents. This one definitely would make us go broke. None of us would be willing to accept being taken away from our kids, so it would turn ugly and expensive quite quickly. Also, where we live Shared Custody is default unless there are objective reasons for a judge to deny it.
- We could theoretically live under the same roof in separate rooms. Economically it is the only one viable, to be honest, but heartbreaking
- We could do Nesting, where the kids live in the house, and each of the parents come and go. I could go to my parents', but I don't see how on Earth would she finance a second house. Also, while the Nesting option works well as temporary solution, in the long term it brings a lot of conflicts... specially the inability of any of us getting a stable partner..., which brings us to...
- Shared custody with each of us having a house. Definitely this one would imply selling our current house. There is no way any of us could afford this one on one salary.

Us selling the house is probably our only option, sadly, and coming to this realization.... how do you tell your kids that they need to leave their house, their neighbourhood, their school, their friends... that they are statistically more likely to face psychological issues and lower grades, all because her mother needs to find herself?


August 7, 2022 6:56 am  #16

Re: Limbo

I can understand what you are dealing with. I stayed with my ex gay boyfriend for a year after I found out. It was during Covid and I was limiting the number of people I was around. My adult son had moved in with me and his large dog bit my 13 pound dog and my little dog was in hospital for five days. I loved him like a child and my boyfriend kept him for three months. I had the option to go to his house four nights a week to keep my dog child safe. The gay ex helped with vet bills. After a year, I finally broke up with him. It is so hard to make a decision when you are in shock and heart broken. Please post when you need to. Take care.


August 7, 2022 2:04 pm  #17

Re: Limbo

Stuck is a strong word.  I think the key to feeling not totally stuck is to do small baby steps for yourself..any step that moves forward and helps with self love and support.    It could be as little as going for a walk or spending an hour in the library.

You don't have to figure out everything immediately...status quo and routines bring some normalcy and stability..especially for the kids.  Just little steps to slowly build support and compassion for yourself.  I spent 2.5 years building my support system and planning my exit.

Wishing everyone strength and self love.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

September 12, 2022 10:37 pm  #18

Re: Limbo

What you wrote is so similar to what I am struggling to deal with as well. Just never imagined anything even remotely like this happening and I’m so worried about how my kids will be affected. I just don’t know what to do or how to face what I cannot fathom. All of the things you list - what to do about the marriage, the kids, the finances, it’’s so overwhelming at times that I am not sure I will survive it. And he can’t seem to grasp any of it. I guess we just handle one day, one hour, one minute at a time if that’s all we can face and hope for some clarity eventually. I am wishing for you strength and support and peace in your heart as you continue to deal with the devastation to your world ❤️


September 13, 2022 5:04 am  #19

Re: Limbo

My wife is fantasizing with the idea of being a single mother, away from me. 

I was out of town for a few days and I am sure she just loved how that week would feel like in her ideal "single mother" future.

Yesterday she had a huge meltdown in her office, crying and all. The "official explanation" is that she had to go back to the office after 2 years of remote working because of COVID, and taking the kids to school in the morning was very difficult because our littlelest son went nuts and decided not to walk.

To me her meltdown was more about the big gap between her idealized view of being a "single mother" vs her frustration with just 1 single day of "single motherhood" with 4 children.

Also, I am not sure where is she getting the idea of "single mother". Where we live shared custody is default. Which means that we will have to sell our house, pay the taxes, the move, the divorce, and with whatever money is left, buy 2 much smaller houses in a much worse neighbourhood, and our kids will have to move back and forth between the 2 houses.... 

She still says she is staying because she wants our MOM to work, but I know what she really wants is for me to somehow magically dissapear so she can avoid the shared custody altogether.

And it hurts.... it hurts a lot.

Last edited by Bertuccio (September 13, 2022 5:05 am)


September 13, 2022 5:31 am  #20

Re: Limbo

Bertuccio wrote:

Us selling the house is probably our only option, sadly, and coming to this realization.... how do you tell your kids that they need to leave their house, their neighbourhood, their school, their friends... that they are statistically more likely to face psychological issues and lower grades, all because her mother needs to find herself?

I am so sorry. I am there with you. We just told our kids last week and they were/are devasted. We decided at least for now, to stay in the same home. We moved all of her things to the basement. My oldest asked why, since mom is home did she move to the basement? Soon to be ex just told her it will be ok. (Kids know, the person in the basement is usually the cause) Anyway, I dont know how this will work or for how long. I am scared, still angry, I have anguish and rage. I can not believe after over 23 years this happened. I know in time it will get better, one day and step at a time. Easy to say, harder to do. 

With you in spirit, hang in there. Sometime the more we wonder why, the worse it seems to get, so let it go, because the darkness comes and the darkness goes.....yes thats from a song. Find your jam and put it on repeat!


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