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1 of 1- Cindy in Texas
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Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
My husband and I have been married 12 years September 18th, been together over 17. We have two children a girl(16) and boy(15). We have struggled in our marriage for years. Now I know his drug use and emotional disconnection was probably due to his confusion about his sexuality. We was sexual abused by a male family member in his early childhood as well, which I believe plays a part in his confusion.
Recently he has started traveling all over the US due to his job. He comes home for 1 week every 6 to 7 weeks. For the last month and a half that he has been gone, we have not spoken due to an argument we had about his drug use. Then he told all his family we were divorcing but he had not told me. He came home yesterday evening on his next round of days off, greeted the kids, came to me and said we need to talk. He was in tears and said we need to divorce and that he has met someone in NY and he's a man. He said he was confused, doesn't know if he's gay or bi or curious but he's going to see how it goes. He also said that he is very happy over there and has not thought about doing drugs at all while he's been gone and that he loves me and always will but he is not "in love" with me. I don't know what to do or how to understand this. We are planning to tell the kids together in a couple days. I think our daughter will be ok but my son is very uncomfortable with same sex couples (not sure why, he just is) I'm not sure that he will be ok. My husband is very sad and upset that he has hurt us but does not want to continue his life unhappily. He's also very scared that our kids will hate him.
Please, if anyone has been through this or has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
- Daryl
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Re: Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
Cindy, I'm sorry to read what you are going through. Sadly, it's not uncommon for some of us to be blind-sided like this. It's understandable that your first concern would be for your kids, but this is like when the oxygen mask pops in the airplane. First affix yours. Then help your kids.
Don't carry this alone. Find someone you can talk to. Counseling would be ideal, but a close friend or family member might also do.
Get legal advice. He cannot just wander off to NY to figure out what he wants. He has obligations and you need to get the terms on record.
Do tell the kids together, then be prepared to give them space to process and the ability to ask questions. Be as honest as you can. You may be surprised at how much they might already be perceiving.
The future relationship between your kids and their father will be up to your kids to decide upon. My thought is that if he hopes to have any future with them, it depends on how honest he is with them. It probably wouldn't hurt if he apologized to them for his drug use, and anything else he put you, and them, through over the years.
We have a post pinned to the top of the main general forum area called the First Aid Kit. There's a lot of collected advice in there. Make use of it and don't hesitate to post here as you traverse this.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Grace1958
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Re: Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
Your kids are likely not only old enough but savvy enough to deal with Dad moving out and away. Especially if he's been gone most of the time anyway.
This is when you see a lawyer when he is gone next. Gather everything. Make a plan to either keep your home at least til the kids are done school. Make things as "normal" as possible because now you are their stability. How you react is how they will feel as well. It's perfectly ok to be pissed. Just be pissed and strong. For them. In private, break down if you need to.
I'll be a bit callous and say I think you are going to come out of this better than he will. Especially considering the drug use.
See a lawyer. First thing. Before he has a chance to hide assets.
- Cindy in Texas
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Re: Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
Daryl and Grace, I have already been seeing a therapist and intend to set my children up with one asap. thank you both for your input.
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Thread Starter- Grace1958
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Re: Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
I didn't mention a therapist 
But good.
- Blackie563
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Re: Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
Cindy in Texas wrote:
he loves me and always will but he is not "in love" with me.
Cindy I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am in a very similar situation, wife of 19 years (together 23) said almost word for word the love thing. Her favorite line was "I want to want us, but I just want her". Our marriage, up until April of this year was considered by all outsiders and us to be perfect. This started in April, but she lied to me until August when I forced her to tell me what had changed. The last month of lying, gaslighting, etc has been awful. Worst of my adult life. We told the kids recently and yes, they were devastated. Still are. We have them in counseling and moved the soon to be ex to the basement. The kids really wanted us to be together under the same roof.
She only admits the truth when I have proof (family plan I can see all texts and call). In an attempt to avoid personal responsibility, she said the "gay" issue she is working through is separate from ours, she simply loves me, but is no longer in love with me. It's all related, she has never been a liar until she started going through this. Its all related. But thats no longer my concern. Its about being the better man, taking care of my kids and helping them experience as little change as possible. I hope to work through dissolution, which is much less expensive than divorce, time will tell if she continues to gaslight/lie to avoid personal responsibility or finally do the right thing.
Do whats best for you and your kids, he is secondary. Take as much time as you need, but do not allow the mental, physical or other abuse continue. You dont have to out him to the kids, but you dont have to lie for him either....
Good luck, hang in there, some days are really hard. I am just starting to heal, its going to be a long road.
- Abby
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Re: Devastated, are our kids going to be ok??
About your son being uncomfortable about gay couples, perhaps he has some inklings of his father having a same-sex interest. After our separation I learned from my son that he had found gay porn on the family computer and had known it could only be his father's. I am not sure how much keeping this secret affected him because he had his own problems as a teenager.
Take care of yourself and get a good attorney. My now-ex came out and wanted a divorce after he met
a man he thought was the love of his life. Financial reality hit when he was served with support papers.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.