Anon,

The discard as I call it is cruel and hurtful....its not something we would do to someone we love.

That is the difference between us and them.. that they can change who and what they love..like a change in the wind or weather..shallow...it's a scary thing.

A cat will be more honest and not lie, cheat and hurt.

Anon, this is your chance to do all the things you couldn't do while you still lived with your husband. (I know it does not sound very exciting at the moment but it will get better. I promise.) Adopting a cat is one of those things. But in case someone else adopts the cat, maybe you can think of something else. Or adopt another cat later!

For me it was traveling. I love hiking and visiting new places but it was extremely difficult with my husband because of his anxiety attacks. This summer I decided to visit another country, even though I can't speak the language. I was totally scared and not sure if it would be fun at all. But it turned out I can have a great time walking in the mountains all by myself, when I don't have to worry about my husband freaking out.

Wishing you all the best.

Last edited by Marianne (September 10, 2022 6:02 am)

I understand why you are waiting for the cat.  You are behaving completely rationally.  We all seem to understand, so let me throw a radical idea at you:

Just go get the cat.

Forget waiting for him.  You have been waiting for him to become the partner he promised to be for so long, maybe just stop waiting?  Like, now?

(Feel free to ignore me.)

You guys are funny. I would actually love to just go get the cat, but it would be pure chaos if I did get her now. It would be the easiest for everyone to wait (and by that I mean my pets now) as when gay hubby moves out I will have a whole floor for the new cat to settle separately from my crew to get acclimated. I want to make this as easy as possible for my group of goofballs. I love them dearly, and they are literally all I have and mean the world to me.

But I will say....it feels like an eternity to wait. And I may not make it and just say screw it and go get her lol.

Right now I'm just staying super busy. And picking up a lot of shifts. I'm very tired....but I prefer to stay busy. And it's also such an empowering feeling to be making my own money. To watch my account grow with all the work I'm putting in.

Since everything we had was joint up until now, all the hours I worked extra over the summer that was supposed to go towards getting the roof done and then taking a vacation....all went to my husband leaving me. And now I'm starting from scratch.

But, the little glimmer of independence is nice. One step at a time.

I will say....he's a lot nicer "out" than "in". Yesterday while I was working he did all the yardwork. It was on my to do list, I just had no idea when I was going to do it. So, the yard looks great. And I'm seeing glimpses of who he was years ago, which just sucks. Because this is the man I love. I just got whatever the hell that selfish narcissistic attitude was the last number of years. 

So, here's a question for the group....did anyone do anything crazy or spontaneous when this all went down? I know a few people have said they travelled. I am getting a cat. What did people do just for themselves to feel like a whole person again?

I began thinking about what I wanted the rest of my life to be like. He could have dropped dead but instead he fell in love with a guy and wanted a divorce. Game over. You don't want me I don't want you. No insurance, no casseroles and no funeral but this relationship is ended. And I'm moving on.

 I took a good hard look at myself physically and spiritually and decided that bitterness causes wrinkles so I did not want to be bitter.  I tried to figure out what were my good features and which ones I should change or play down. I stopped wearing hand-me-down clothes from my children and soon-to-be-ex. I got a push-up bra which improved my posture. I went to second-hand shops and brought clothes I liked, including colors.that caught my fancy. I stopped wearing shapeless things, lost some weight and, when people noticed, told them that I had lost 150 lbs - the weight of my ex which I had been carrying around.

As I felt better about myself  I smiled more and tried new things. I took two long-distance bus trips to see places I would not have gone to otherwise. The travel was calming. I got involved in activities before Covid closed things down and made me a recluse. Now I am emerging again.

It took me several years to fully realize how shut down and small I had made myself to avoid conflict in the marriage. My advice to everyone is to get yourself a good lawyer who will encourage you not to accept a settlement which sells you short. The better your finances the more options you will have but you may not be used to taking care of your own interests.

As my tagline says, I have embraced gardening, perhaps a little too much during Covid. My goal is always to have something blooming, inside or out.