After my disaster of a marriage, I had to ‘come out’ as a heterosexual.  I mean, I was always heterosexual, but it was easy to forget what heterosexual behavior was like while being gaslit by my GIDX. 

So I need to date.  It is scary because of how many ‘bi’ and ‘she/they’ women there are on dating apps.  My nightmare is to find another one of these monsters.

But I still need to express my heterosexuality.  So what choice do I have?

No easy path.

Blackie463, I know that there are lots of women who would be very interested in meeting you. Keep the positive attitude.

I have tried dating a lot since my crash and burned marriage.  Here is some insight I have learned but not yet vocalized that, I hope, might help others on this path.

Telling the date:

I have tried different methods around this.  I think if you are in your 40s, 50s, 60s and trying to date, you are better off having been married and now divorced.  If you have been single all that time, you are a walking red flag.  So there is nothing wrong with having a past.  If you play your cards right, it can even help you.

WHEN you tell your story is important.  If you come out first thing and say ‘my ex was gay’, it can quickly derail the budding date.  I have found that it is better to mention that you are divorced, then wait to tell the whole story until 2nd or 3rd date or later.  But don’t wait forever because the other person is eventually wondering what is wrong with you that you are not still married.

HOW to tell your new date is also very important.  It can be a red flag if you express too much anger or too much sadness and hurt.  If you seem obsessed, it is a major red flag.  Matter-of-factness is best without placing too much judgment at first.  If you do it right, and your date is at all worthy, THEY will express the indignation that you do not. 

The trick in dating is to show the potential partner that you ARE a great person despite the past.  When it finally comes out, it is okay to mention the therapy you have done, and how relatively little grudge you hold despite the pain you obviously must carry.  A good date will recognize how brutal being lied to about your partner’s true sexuality is. 

Once you have calibrated your delivery, now is the moment to look for the red flags yourself.  HOW your new date responds to this news is crucial in understanding who they truly are.  This is the dangerous part.  Others on this forum have mentioned that this big reveal can encourage other GID types to pursue you.   Yes.  That is beyond fucked up, but it happens.  Predators like people who are already victims because they are easier prey.  Watch out. 

Similarly, if the new date seems to think that you are making a big deal out of nothing, or worse, identifies with your GIDX in any way, that is your cue to cut this potential relationship short. 

The other troublesome red flag response is nuanced but important to understand.  It  goes something like “I don’t know how anyone could ever recover from that.”  This is usually your date essentially telling you that your delivery was a red flag to them.  They make it about you.   You expressed too much anger, sadness, obsession, etc.  But if you did your reveal right, it is really a red flag on them.  They can’t see you as recoverable because deep down they think they can somehow get someone with a past who doesn’t actually have a past.  In other words, they are likely not fully aware of their own past and need for recovery.  They think that whatever happened to them was never their doing and they likely haven’t done the work to truly grow.  So they transfer their brokenness onto you and look at your pain as irrecoverable and undesirable. 

This is not easy stuff, but it can be calibrated to actually help forge a bond with your new date if you are lucky enough to find someone thoughtful, kind, empathetic and worthy.  Supposedly these people are out there, and I have not given up the hope of finding one.  I just haven’t found it yet.

Good luck!!

(Blackie, fwiw, I sense that you will find the right partner really quickly.  Something about the way you express yourself will work wonders, I think.)

When all this was first happening to me, I felt compelled to share every last detail with everyone.  I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time, and felt very defensive about my own role in what had "gone wrong".  And, so much of the language around our stories involves placing responsibility, somehow, on us.  So a lot of people, with the best of intentions, would say things like "I can't believe you lived with him for three decades and never suspected..." when the right thing should have been "I can't even begin to imagine how much work and energy he had to have put into a 24/7 deception for three whole decades."  

I'm not interested in dating.  Maybe someday, but this isn't the time.  But, I would suggest just starting out by saying that you are divorced, that it was a difficult time for you, and the less you dwell on it, the happier you are. 

The person you're with will be less likely to see you as either "damaged goods" or as being so obsessed with your ex that you're not prepared to give your full attention to a new relationship.  I think that's what a lot of potential partners hesitate over.