TracyMac wrote:

.....So here I am - feeling he cannot lean into his sexuality because of fear, including fear of losing me that feels very deep and real.  To his saying sexually and emotionally he is attracted to me but I'm guessing that overall his sexual attraction may be for other men.....
.

TracyMac welcome to our Forum.

Can you see what your husband is doing/has done? He's put the burden of figuring this out onto you. Sure he'll be going through all kinds of torment... Of being found out by people who think he's respected, faithful...heterosexual! And meanwhile thinking he has in you the perfect partner to lean on... There's no
leaning in to be done...he wants you to take on the emotional burden of his situation, thinking of course you will because you love him and he can stand behind you allowing you to do all the heavy lifting, emotionally, while he figures himself out.

One of the hardest things in the world to make yourself do is to stop loving the man you thought would love you forever. It may take a while but it can be done, and then you can start separating the person he was from the man he is now.  Decide how you want your life to be. Don't allow the man you married, who wants to change the dynamics of it... decide it for you

Elle






 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 27, 2022 1:50 pm)

sounds to me like you are being subjected to a bout of cupboard love.

I have read a lot of stories now and I am going to guess that the point at which you felt the disconnect and ask your H if he is gay that the trigger for that feeling of disconnect was that he was stepping out on you.

Much as I agree it's not good to lash out verbally please don't feel guilty - you have every right to feel angry and traumatised.  And dial back on the self loathing - sounds like he's sowing confusion in you by the bucketload.

You trusted him and now you are hurting.  Time to give yourself a hug.  Not him.

TracyMac wrote:

Hi,

This is a lifeline.  So much pain and hurt. 

My husband came out to me around three years ago as  "thinks he may be gay."  I was the one who initially asked the question as I felt a little loss of connection with him and our marriage was not in a good place.

Hello! I find your situation nearly identical in many ways to my own. My wife of 19 years (23 years together)Told me on Aug 7th that she had developed feelings for a women at the workout center. I had known something was wrong since April and finally reached a breaking point when I could no longer take being ignored, avoided and pushed to the side. Only then did she admit this. 

I first had to come to grips that she had held onto this for so long. We have 3 kids, a happy marriage, open communication (or so I thought). This was a surprise to me in every way. She said she was surprised as well as she has never had a thought about women in this context. The pain has been like nothing I have ever known. From extreme sadness, to anger, rage, numb, indifference and back again. While I am eating better and have always worked out, I now go at 5AM and am absolutely ripped. Its the only thing holding me together right now....

My initial position was to let her figure things out. The women she is in love with is married (to a man) and she says they have never verbalized their feelings, but she knows they are there. She has a therapist, I have one and we have a joint one. My initial position was to wait for her to make a decision.....the longer this has gone on, I have begun noticing a few lies, defensiveness. So, I let her know last night, while she thought she had time to figure things out, she is also on the clock, but I am making a decision for me as well. Regardless of her path, I have to decide can I stay with someone who for now, I do not trust? Who isnt sure of herself enough to tell the truth? I dont think she is lying to me, I think she is lying to herself, but I digress.

Take care of yourself. If there was ever a time to be self focused, this is it. You have to consider your self esteem, mental state, physical and other. My wife says she "wants to want our relationship", and knows she is closes off emotionally because "it feels wrong". Seems to me she has already decided. Doesnt matter, I am taking control of my life and not going to allow someone else to turn me into someone/something I am not. 

I wish you the best. It is a long road and I've only been on it a few months, not even 1 officially once I knew for certain. PM me anytime. Chin up. 

GID.  Gay In Denial.  It's a thing.

The idea that it happens due to social homophobia strikes me as entirely inaccurate.  People grow up in families don't they?

But anyway, however it started - denial doesn't mean doesn't know it means not telling.

My ex, as it turned out, had quite an active gay life as a teenager - I bet anything he didn't ever say he was gay.  even back then.

I think as the pressure goes on in mid-life, and these gay in denial people feel the need to go deeper into their sexuality, it's while their straight partner, who always wanted to do that, has got to such a stage they'd sell their kingdom for a nice hug.

It's like we keep trying to fix our marriages and coming up against an invisible wall.  Eventually I ended up feeling confused and in a lot of pain.

It's a common experience.  sorry.  just is.  like running up against an invisible glass wall - it's that stark.  and really it's just about surviving, and then eventually there's every chance at thriving.  

Last edited by lily (August 29, 2022 6:45 pm)

I understand what you are saying. My gay ex boyfriend has been in the closet all of his life. He is now 78. I suspect that some people know but he will never, ever admit it.