Thank you for writing kovyvoly. In reply: 

1. I found gay porn and history searches looking for gay bars/gay cruising. I haven't got concrete evidence that he cheated with a man. He denies he is gay, and he was just curious (!) because he is highly sexual and I wasn’t "putting out" enough.

Bullsh*t. He's lying and this follows a common pattern: evidence "gay search history"; minimization "just curious"; and a blame shift "you're not giving me enough sex." No one just looks up "Mexican restaurants" because they're curious. It's because that person wants to eat Mexican food. Similarly your husband is looking for gay bars and gay cruising spots because he's looking for gay sex. If he says otherwise, he's insulting your intelligence. 

2. He claims he considered it as an easy way to get laid. When I found the porn, etc I initially thought that it would explain so many things about him as he can quite often be angry (not violent) and my thought was it would explain the frustration he carries inside. 

Being closeted can lead to angry outbursts because the closet is both frustrating and suffocating. This was my experience.

3. My question I guess is the sex. We are not having sex for over a year and are sleeping separately but it is my doing.

Wrong. You're not having sex with this man because he's likely not straight and men interested in men aren't really interested in sex with women, particularly after they've started having sex with men for the first time. Closeted gay cheaters have trouble performing with women for two reasons: first, because there is little sexual attraction to women; and second, he's often nervous about giving his wife/girlfriend an STI/STD. 

4. I have developed an aversion to sex and intimacy with him.

Likely because you believe he's having sex with men and your body is rejecting him. This is a common occurrence. 

5. I am trying to get over it and step over the internal barrier, but I struggle to know if my body is correct in developing this aversion as a signal something is wrong or if it is something I need to get over and just start doing again and it will get better. I don’t think the aversion is exactly linked to the gay discovery; it started  happening a bit earlier but that hasn’t helped for sure.

The body often leads the mind. I'd trust your intuition friend. If and when he attempts to re-initiate sex, please only practice safe sex...meaning condoms.  

6. My husband says he can’t be gay as he wants sex all the time with me.

Words. If you're not having sex, then clearly he doesn't want to have sex with you because he's not having sex with you. I can claim to love exercise and even repeat this to my friends and family, but if I truly love exercise/fitness, I need to prove it by hitting the gym. Words without action are nothing = bullsh*t. 

7. I am the problem.

False! 

8. Can a closeted gay man still be wanting sex with a woman?

Closeted gay men are very good at pretending to want sex with women, particularly when performing in front of friends and family. However, the proof is in the lack of sex. Words are meaningless unless there is some form of action. 
 
9. and if he looked to hook up with men (which I have proof of) is it possible he never did?

Let's look at the facts: you haven't had sex in a year and he's searching for gay bars and gay cruising spots. Some telltale signs a closeted husband is having sex with men: 

- Sex stops between husband and wife
- An obsessive interest in physical fitness
- New haircut, new glasses, new (sexy) underwear, and a new wardrobe
- Body shaving
- Condoms and Viagra, even though he's no longer having sex with her

10. Would be good to catch him in the act; it would give me some peace and answers; but so far I only have the evidence I have.

Evidence that is already substantial in my opinion. 

11. What would you make if it? You often say the sex goes as soon as men starts exploring their sexuality; but he does keep trying to initiate sex with me.

The word is "initiate" but you haven't confirmed you're having penis-in-vagina sex. I'm going to guess that he's pretending like he's sexually interested in you but unfortunately it's "all gas, no gages" as the English say. If he's Googling gay bars, cruising parks, and chatting online with other men, this is quite strong evidence he "ain't straight." 

12. Thank you so much! Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

I'd urge you to try individual counselling, perhaps online counselling with a therapist who has experience with these particular issues. Please keep coming back and sharing your story. Be well! 

Hi Sean, I reached out a few months back regarding my possibly gay boyfriend. I just wanted to thank you for all of your advice as I took it to heart. I kicked him out and somehow out of nowhere I met a man who is everything he wasn’t, and is nothing that he was.

I’m happy I got out and I have no regrets. For anyone else out there wondering if you should stay or go, please leave. If the question is sitting there in your head you will never get rid of it.

I can only hope my ex decides that one day he won’t live in a shadow any longer. I wrote him a letter and let him know that I will always be there to support him even if he does come out one day. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in the way that feels right for them and I truly feel for him being he has to hide is true identity.

Thank you all for your support - this group was the only thing that kept me going because I didn’t feel so alone.

Hello. After 39 years of marriage, I have recently found my husband's gay porn sites and that he has been unfaithful with men. I am being gaslighted. I have been reading posts and feel very conflicted. Here is a summary of our life:
*I have felt loved and fulfilled sexually as his wife until recently.
*Often in our marriage he has been irritable and did not handle anger well. I attributed this to his growing up as adult child in alcoholic home other sad family issues. I thought he had long standing depression from those issues, and he always denied this.
*We have had sex very little in the last 4 years. I thought this was due to increasing depression and his ED. My questioning him about this led to sex with him having poor erection. He has refused to go to MD about this. I also have female issues which has not helped. He has tried to bring sexual toys into the equation.
*In the last four years he has become more isolated and depressed which he denied. His increasing depression seems to correspond to the length of time he has been on porn sites. He finally admitted to meeting two men for sex in 2019. There probably are other occasions which he has not admitted to.
*He vehemently denies being gay. He does not like to use the word bisexual and states he would NEVER EVER admit to being gay. This is due to social stigmas. He will state he is attracted to women 70% and men 30%. He says he loves me very much; he wants to wake up next to a woman (me) and not a man and did not find sex with men satisfying. Even after my first seeing a text photo and confronting him, he continued to go to the porn site until I found the site.  
*We are seeing separate counselors. When he was discovered, he has felt some relief while I have just begun my journey. I am still angry and seeking help. He thinks I should be over this already and not expecting an apology every day. Last week he for the second time in his depression started spiraling down and he wanted to get drunk, talked of taking his life, and the whole poor pitiful him talk. I left our home. 
Can I believe anything he says? Since, he has agreed to continue mental health help from psychologist and sexual therapist, states he sees his errors in his response to my healing, is desperate to try again to have a monogamous relationship, negotiate a better marriage, only watch porn with me to spice up our sex life. At this point I feel I am dealing with a closeted gay or bisexual who will not admit this. He is not going to admit this now. Should I go back to him to see if we can renegotiate a mutually satisfactory marriage? What will be the signs that he is truly gay? Are there bisexual men who can have a fulfilling like with women? This is a very difficult situation and it is hard to discuss with most people.

Hi Sean!

I just thought I should let you know that I gave you a shout out in my post in the Support section entitled, "You are Mighty." I have received so much validation about my experience based on your replies to me and to countless others. I've still never made it through all your posts. Your words have been very helpful. You've done a similiar thing that I am trying to do with the lemons in my life; you've made lemonade. You've taken bad experiences and helped others.  Thank you for being so brave and for sharing.

Peace

Hi Sean. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. Been together for 37 years. A little over a year ago, I discovered that my husband was on Grindr and had been meeting men to recieve blow jobs for at least 4 years. It appears that the infidelity started at least 10 years ago while he was crossdressing. At the time, he was dressing in lingerie and posting on Craigslist, with hopes of getting attention for his pics (his explanation). From what I can prove, at that time, he met with men (at least 2), tried on lingerie and had “light play”- his words. I have pics to prove that there were penises rubbing together at least. What went on between then and 4 years ago is unknown. 

When Craigslist stopped allowing personal ads, he headed over to Grindr. His explanation was that he just wanted blowjobs and read an article that some straight men were seeking blow jobs from gay men that enjoy giving blow jobs. I think that is BS. He also told me that he didn’t want to mess around with women, because there was a higher chance of being caught or having drama. He had a “Daddy” account and was very clear in his profile about what he wanted. He wanted blow jobs. I have about 250 screenshots of Grindr chats where he basically said this, along with some pretty disgusting dialogue. 

 Along with meeting men for blow jobs- at least 50 times in 4 years, he continued his love for crossdressing. He insists that these are two separate things. I also found his fetlife account. He viewed many crossdressing and trans women’s accounts with pictures and videos. He “loved” hundred of trans pictures. He also had his own Crossdressing persona. He was into cages and sounding, and I also have those pictures. In his account, he stated how crossdressing was transformational, but when he discovered sounding, he found something that could reach places in himself that he never imagined and therefore took him to a place where he could serve. Wtf!! 

 I will add that during his Grindr blowjob phase of the last 4 years, he didn’t touch me or approach me for sex. No sex in 3 plus years for us. I believe that he needed to vilify me and justify his thinking that it was “just a blow job”. I also believe that he got off on being a daddy and having younger men worship him. Have I mentioned that he took at test at the therapists that said he is a narcissist? I will also add that he had 2 encounters with a 19 year old boy, that apparently had some pretty good skills. This, in itself, makes me so disgusted with him that I just about can’t see straight.  

So, there’s more that I could talk about here. When he was discovered, he said, he just wanted a blow job. And a blow job is from start to finish. No oral and then vaginal sex. He wanted the full blow job, and apparently I don’t do that well enough. He told one guy that he wouldn’t be on Grindr if he didn’t get it at home. He told this guy that just about everyone is better than me, men and women.  

Needless to say, I am extremely traumatized. The images that I have collected of him, which he valued so much that he had to save them in a secret folder in his phone, are haunting. He says he’s not gay. He’s not attracted to men. He wants to be married to me, not a man. He wants our life. He wants our family. He doesn’t want men. He just loves blow jobs so damn much and according to the therapist, my husband told him that those blowjobs were “incredible”. 

 Initially after I found out, we began having sex again. He was affectionate. I felt like I had something to prove. I think he was scared. I was scared. Those days are long gone. I can’t imagine having sex with him ever again. I am a very forgiving person. I’ve told him many times, I’m waiting for him to say certain things. Some are: “I can’t believe I ever had sexual relations with a man!” “What was I thinking?” He can’t do it, even if it means losing me.

 We have a therapist that has been seeing mostly me. Everything the therapist has said has been true. I don’t think my husband really thinks he did much wrong. It wasn’t like it was with a woman, right? He has barely been to see the therapist, maybe 5 or 6 times on his own and I’ve had to beg him. I told him a week ago that if I don’t see a remarkable effort on his part to fix what ever is so unbelievably wrong with him, that I am leaving and I fully intend to honor this. He has a month.  

Why am I still living in the same house with him? We are not in the same bed. Part of the reason that I’m still here is financial. If I leave, I will most certainly not come out on top in the divorce. He’s the main breadwinner. I will probably have to fold my business and take some menial job just to have insurance.

  So, what is my problem? I realize the situation that I find myself in is so messed up. Like I told my therapist, I can leave at any time. I can blow up his life at any time. I have more than enough evidence to out him to everyone, including our 3 young adult children. He doesn’t want that at all, of course.

  What am I struggling with? Why am I still here? Based on what he’s done- the lies, the gaslighting, the deceit, that was ongoing for years- I know that I could easily leave this marriage and no one would blame me. I’ve got to know. How does a self proclaimed straight man become sexually involved with men? What is he? Gay? Bi? As far as I know, a straight man doesn’t seek men for sexual favors. Does a straight man get horny talking and planning sexual encounters with men? He says it was kinky. I’ve talked a lot with my therapist about a mans arousal template. It’s obvious that men are now a part of his arousal templete. I feel so unbelievably rejected by the person that I picked to be my person. It’s heartbreaking.

  One thing I do know, what he has done is abusive. The fact that I am dealing with this subject matter at all, is abusive. Now is the time in my life that I should be enjoying my husband. We are no longer raising kids. We aren’t financially strapped like in years past.  
Ive spent a year running in circles. Nothing works. I cry. I scream. I feel like he is in denial, yet won’t humble himself. I’m so lost.

Last edited by Blue769 (October 2, 2022 5:16 pm)