You're not intruding Justme. Far from it. In fact, you're helping all of us to better understand ourselves and our own relationships. That's the power of honesty. So thank you. I love the name "Justme" by the way because it reminds me to carefully read what you've shared, rather than thoughtlessly project my own story and opinions on you. We all have our own histories, as you've no doubt read in the various exchanges here. So I'm going to be mindful to focus on you and what you've written. With this in mind, I'm going to comment on a few things you've written which I hope is ok: 

1. If I did not want to have sex with my husband, or if I was in love with someone else, I know I would need to end the marriage for everyone's sake. It is not the case, and I actually think I WANT things to stay the way they are, but I am afraid I am wasting his time. These things are hard to explain to someone like my husband who has always felt completely straight. It is hard to explain that you can have doubts about your sexuality when most people take it for granted. I think if I was really 100 gay it would not be so difficult to make sense of this. I have never really believed in bisexuality, but maybe I should start.

I'm so sorry you are struggling but that's part of this process. What you have so bravely described in your posts is the "questioning" phase of sexuality. It's the "Q" in LGBT-Q and I'm not surprised it's on the book end of the acronym. This is where we all start, regardless of age. Every gay, lesbian, and bisexual person I know has gone through this phase. I went through this phase. It means understanding that we're different. It can be both scary and exciting which is exactly what you've described. In my case, it was a time of stolen glances at boys my age, erotic dreams, and fantasies. Like you I didn't act out during the questioning phase because it was just too frightening, particularly when I went through it 30 years ago. During this phase, we're finding ourselves and that could have meant going against everything society taught me - namely the boy meets girl myth. Rather than accept this beautiful part of myself, I denied it. I married a woman which is called "foreclosure" in mental health jargon. Foreclosure simply means I did something to shut the door on questioning my true sexuality. This was a mistake because I hurt myself, my wife, and my three children. Whether you are gay, straight, or something in between, you've done the right thing by getting therapy and posting here. Whether you share this journey with your husband as I've suggested, or not as others have shared, don't isolate and hide like I wrongly did so many years ago.  

2. He is worried, and I did discuss it with him too early without really being sure what I was trying to tell him. He suggested therapy to figure everything out, and I agreed. My therapist is actually a gay woman living with her life partner. She seems to be convinced I am un-gay enough to work on the marriage. I want that, and I want to restore trust, but first I want to be sure, and it can be a long process. I don't know if it is better to share doubts with your spouse during this process. Probably not.

​You've come quite a long way already my friend. I hadn't realized you'd already spoken to your husband. I wrongly thought this was all a secret. I didn't know that your therapist was gay until your last post. I don't know if I agree with the term "un-gay" because you're perfect just as you are. What we all deserve is to be with someone who loves us for who we are...not just who we're pretending to be. If you follow the same path that I followed and it's a path that I've read about in this forum, questioning eventually leads to seeking....usually online. Seeking inevitably leads to experimenting with the same sex. You don't have to share your full history but I'm sure that if you look at your life, you already know who you are. I saw all of those 'coincidences' for what they truly were. Kissing my best boyfriend as a child. My closest friend in college just happened to be gay even though we were both deeply in the closet at the time. Later it meant that I "just happened" to walk by countless gay bars, terrified to go in but fascinated nonetheless. It meant that my web history was almost exclusively gay. My dreams didn't lie either. I dreamed of the beautiful men in my life. My body and soul knew who I was, but my brain continued to fight. This meant many sleepless nights, silent tears, and living with a constant fear that I'd be found out. And then one day I slept with a man. It was terrifying and magical at the same time. And after that I knew there was no going back. Everything in my life pointed to the fact that I was gay but I didn't want to be. So what's my point? Whether you choose to share this journey with your husband (as I recommend) or without him (as Steve recommends), you already have all the answers and all the proof you need. No matter what we write, suggest, or outright shout in this forum, nothing will change who you are...Justme. You are just you. And you are perfect just the way you are. I hope that helps in some small way. 

Justme,
It's not intruding.  Who better to get advice on how to be sensitive to your husband's feelings than to ask those of us who've been on the receiving end.  My spouse won't discuss it and hid it from me so I personally feel that the fact you're here looking for advice is very brave and kind of you.  I hope you're husband is understanding, but if he freaks out first give him time to process it and tell him you want to talk about it later.  Maybe it's different for me because he was lying but I couldn't eat or sleep after finding out.
I just wrote on another post that someone told me some men are uncomfortable with direct face to face discussions, that they find it easier to talk when they are walking side by side.  I have a feeling if you were to sit down with him and look him in the eye and tell him you need to talk you'd be at a disadvantage because he'd probably instantly get that gut feeling it's something terrible.  Maybe a quiet walk where you can bring it up with less build up?  Personally I think you should tell him, if you're having these feelings at all you're at least a few degrees from being straight and he should know.  Good luck.
Vicky

Betsy - Very thoughtful and helpful post.  I always got a lot out of your posts on the old forum, and now this one too.  Your experiences seem to really hit the nail on the head for me.  Thanks!

Thank you, Lake Breeze and likewise.

I also want to add that admitting a struggle in the case of JustMe is allowing her husband to be aware of an emtional process. It's not the immediate equivalent of suggesting a divorce.

At some point we straights have recognized, often immediately on the honeymoon then years later in our marital dynamics, that something is off. We start asking our spouse all the right questions, but we are fed lies in return. We go to marriage counseling - more lies, more stonewalling, more gaslighting! I

was even gaslighted for expressing to my husband that he didn't seem attracted to me as a woman. That turned into the counselor siding with my X's plight and explaining to me that saying that to a man is a turn off and what did I expect his response to be? No, that was my trying to be transparent (not even realizing the scope of what I was expressing). I didn't say that to my husband when I cuddled up next to him in a new see through negligee or tried many different sensual and sexual ways to try to entice him.

The counseling was all so very twisted, and the X allowed me to agonize before him as he withheld such critical info about our dynamics. Yet, he justifies it all now by saying that he was suffering too. Yes, he was, but he was also inflicting suffering. I was not. I was trying to work on myself for the betterment of our marriage, but I could never be who he really desired. He knew that and used that knowledge to his advantage.

This pattern of communication went on for decades, but the mean-spirited enjoyment on his part grew worse and is very clear to me now. It's called "duping delight", and I believe it stems from needing a woman but resenting that you need her cause of not desiring her. It's emotional cruelty.

I'm thankful for my sanity that survived the horror of TGT and for my faith as well even though it was truly tried. I'm thankful for my kids. Most of them can see right through their father now (to some extent), and you know what some have voluntarily said to me as adults? They just want to know the truth. His explanations don't make sense. Even if it's hard to hear, they just want to know. Apparently, I'm not the only one who feels duped. That's where acceptance that you'll never hear the truth and accepting that you know enough goes a long way.

To anyone whose children have bought the lies, my ❤️goes out to you. Be strong and please believe that time is your friend.

Justme,

I'm much more knowledgeable about closeted gay men than about a wife who thinks she could be bi or even gay.
Yet, I know that my X succumbed to gay habits while being married to me. I ask "the porn" questions, the "someone else" questions and just got fabrications and not reality. My GIDXH had immersed himself in gayness while playing straight. You are not doing that!

Some things have always been off limits to me - like exploring my thoughts in sexual fantasies over other men when I'm married. Maybe that's not so simple for everyone, but what I'm trying to say is that certain behavior and what we do with our longings in life are choices. For example, I'd love a Mercedes convertible! That's as far as it goes though cause of the reality of the cost! I know I'll probably never have one and a reliable car is more than fine for me.

My point is that you have a great marriage and family. You enjoy your sex life with your husband. You love your child. Do you have to let a desire define you or could you chose to love your husband and accept never satisfying some sexual fantasy that you show so much uncertainty towards? Would it be wrong to talk to your husband but recommit to what you have with him, especially since you think you are bi and have vowed to love him?

Forum members can calll me old fashioned or narrow minded or something else. It's just that what you wish for and desire isn't always worth what you lose. Sex is important, but it really is only one component of a relationship, albeitt a very important one. So is honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, and an intact nuclear family important. Again, you said you enjoy your husband sexually. Why dwell upon fantasies of someone else?

For me, I needed honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness in a relationship. Calculated deception and unfaithful behavior negates all of that! Had there been a real person telling me about his struggle but that he still desired me (even though he desired men too), I would have counted the cost of losing an honest man who loved me despite his struggles. Instead I faced a man who dabbled much, covered up much, and told very little despite what I found. I would never have considered an open marriage, but even with the painful reality, I likely would have supported my X with a choice towards a renewed sense of trying to make it work for all the right reasons. That didn't happen for me, but it could possibly be the case for you and your marital choices.