jk,
 What I've been telling myself lately about discussing my husband's "journey" with him is that I can no longer take his emotional temperature for him.  He's relied on me to do that, and to initiate discussion; it's meant I've been drawn in to involve myself in his drama.  But that's a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for his own feelings, and it means I stay involved with his needs and distracts me from focusing on myself, too. I've begun to realize that the end result of "staying involved" is that I continue to cling to a hope that he will see the light and return to "normal".  Which is definitely not healthy for me. I have to fully integrate the new reality, and so does he.
 I don't know if that's helpful.  
 I wish I had practical advice for you for help with your kids.  

You've very brave JK. Your kids have a wonderful and strong mother. As another member shared, it's normal to feel a sense of loss because you've spent so much time and energy focusing on his needs, his problems, his emotions. My ex-wife went through this even after our separation. Despite everything I did, she wanted me back. Letting go is indeed hard as you so poignantly shared. But now is the time to focus on you and your children. If your husband follows a similar path to mine, he'll go through a few hard years and perhaps hit rock bottom before rallying. During this time, keep in mind that he's no longer your responsibility. He has to find his own way now...without you. Good luck and thanks for sharing.    

JK,
 It occurred to me that what I feel, and what you feel, in "letting go," is a form of what children in a divorce feel: wanting Mom and Dad to get back together, wishing for the return of that past when their world was intact.   In some way, we feel our situations the way the kids do, as something that was done to us, forced on us, and not what we'd choose.
   That we now know our marriage and life was never what we thought it was--or can't endure the change-- doesn't prevent the emotional response, the sense of loss.  It's hard to give love up.  It's hard to change our pattern of care for our partner, to see that our partner can't be the partner we want and need, isn't even the partner we thought we had. 
   But we'll get there, because the circumstances necessitate it.  I think that when we are alone, and looking at our lives apart, we will rally.  And you have your beautiful kids to love, and that means you (and you, too, Rob), aren't alone and without love.
    One thing that helps me look forward with hope and even a little confidence is that I have faith in the basic force of life that drives us all forward.  We want to live, our cells want to live (this is why even a dying person has to fight to die--because every living cell fights to live), and I have a faith that my mind can catch up and follow.  That lifts me up.  Those who are religious have their own forms of faith; whatever we believe in, we need to let that faith carry us over the tough times, and make space to tend our faith and the realizations to which it leads us. OK: sorry to go all whoo-hoo.  

"..You can do what you want..."
All,
That is true...I can do whatever I want now.. there is no wife or boundary of marriage telling me what to do.
But I'm like an abused dog who had his cage opened..  the cage is opened I'm scared to leave...I know no other way of life..  I was fine with the boundaries of marriage and limits the ex wife placed on me...  That is coming back to bite me now though as she estranged me from family and friends..  isolated me and then
discarded me..  

I'm taking care of myself and am kind to myself.. but the truth is I did not plan this new life so I'm still figuring out what to do.    I'm trying to take it one small step at a time... nothing else I can do..     
 

I agree with Keepinghope above.    Rob, you described yourself as an abused dog with a cage door open, yet afraid to leave the cage, so you stay put.   It's time you broke out and explored the new world. 

Nothing will change until you make it change.  Time to make it change. 


I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for when my divorce is final and when my wife moves out (not necessarily happening at the same time).  The divorce seems like a mere formality to me.  The move out is what will change things.  I'm starting to plan what I want to do with my house and my time.  I'm already making plans..  I don't want to sit paralyzed when that time comes.  I want to have a plan already in place so that I can just set things into motion.  These things will include making changes in decor, furniture, arrangement in my house, some new toys to enjoy, and some new regular activities.  I'm already reaching out to friends and trying to set up some routines.  I know for sure I will have every Monday and Tuesday alone, so i'm making tentative routines for those days.  I'm starting to strengthen friendships for those every other weekends that I'm alone so that I will have people to spend time with. I won't be ready to date for a while (mostly because I want to make sure I'm healthy so that I don't hurt someone else), but when I am ready I look forward to that as an exciting new phase. 

I'm also trying to anticipate what things will hurt me and represent challenge and pain.  So I'm trying to figure out how to mitigate those things as well.  Loneliness is a big one.. so as mentioned above, I'm working on finding routines and people to be with to help.  Also activities and hobbies to keep me busy will be key.  

The part that I know I will struggle with and will have no way to fix in the short term in the romantic void.  I'm already struggling with this and it's only been 4 months.  I'm trying to learn to cope with this right now so that it's less of a stress later.  Even so.. I know that this will be the hardest part and it will cause me pain.  I refuse to try to fill the void with short term flings or casual sex.. that is not cool with my morals.. so I will have to learn to be patient and endure until I am blessed with another woman to love and hopefully marry someday. 

JK..  what can you do with your time and home to make things feel new and exciting?  Can you find new hobbies?  Can you find new friends or rekindle friendships to help keep the loneliness at bay?  
You need to find some hope and optimism to focus on..  What can you think of to look forward to?