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April 8, 2022 7:48 am  #11

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Hi Harlow,

My wife and I are in a MOM for 16+ years (married 36 years). My wife identifies as lesbian, so she's probably a bit further up the Kinsey scale than you.
It was a lot of turmoil when she discovered she was lesbian and came out to me. But eventually we found our (monogamous) way through the troubles. 
We're very happy in our MOM (in all aspects of it, including sexuality). So yep, ours is a possitive story.

Next to the things we had to learn ourselves and improve in our relation, there were some external factors that played a negative role going forward.

1. Lack of possitive examples. I totally understand your question about possitive examples. It sure can feel like your on a doomed path, reading all the doom and gloom stories. It could seem like the outcome is fixed (and NOT what you want).
But this is a bias. Like Lyla wrote, happy people don't write (as much) on forums simply because they don't need to. If they do, people have to choose to write about it for the sake of others, not for their own need. And it's not always that fun to write about, for it's confronting. Even when all is okay now, it usually reflects on serious difficult times in the past for most.

2. There's pressure in culture to live out sexual orientation. Sexual preference is presented like the main goal in life, like a mandatory script that is forced upon people. If one chooses another path it's condemned for being not authentic. In a way, one is made to feel guilty not following these scripts.
Things like that can make you doubt yourself (or doing the right thing for your spouse and the validity of your marriage). Of course it's nonsense to allow that to happen, you both decide for your own life, but I think everyone in a MOM had to confront this one time.

If you both know that you want to go for your marriage, and consiously work towards that goal, there's certainly a realistic perspective to reach that. But it's serious business that takes a lot of honest and open communication and acceptance. And thoughts about what each really wants and what "being authentic" actually means.
It's a challenge, but it can lead to a better and deeper marriage relation one had before.

Some time ago I wrote about our personal story on this forum (in the strategies for MOM's section) in quite some detail. MY wife (SamanthaNL) also wrote about it from her perspective. Of course every situation is different, but hey, you asked for it

Last edited by Dutchman (April 8, 2022 7:56 am)


April 8, 2022 11:34 am  #12

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Thank you!

     Thread Starter

April 12, 2022 12:32 pm  #13

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Hi - there does seem to be some bitterness here, understandable, but I can see why it stings - you are trying to ask about *your* journey, and people can only tell you about theirs. And yes, the folks like me who are here are still likely hurt and confused and that is why they are here instead of out and about in the world.
   My story started out like yours, too, got worse, and now is back in limbo land. One very nonjudgmental source I found along the way was Dr Joe Kort. You can easily find his website and I think he did a podcast here. It’s hard when you have to sit around wondering if the person you are supposed to be able to trust most in the world is lying to you. And/or to himself. What helps me the most is doing other stuff: running, seeing my friends, volunteer work, regular work. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my marriage of 30 years and my husband’s (unlikely) claim that it was a one time identity crisis and that all he wants is me (maybe more likely.) I don’t think we have to decide today. Good luck with it all.


April 13, 2022 9:35 am  #14

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

I think it's entirely possible for a bi-curious partner to be faithful. I'd say an important part of things going forward is going to be communication. Also, sadly, being prepared for anything as far as the future. People can change and that change can make them scared to lose the good thing they have and so they hide things. I feel that if a couple can be entirely open and take the logical steps of having separate bank accounts, not getting into too much debt, etc, such things that could in a word "trap" them together, or bind them (having kids after knowing), then there is a chance for a partnership. However, and it's a big however, after that first deception of the online account only you can decide if you will ever be able to trust him fully again. It's a big ask but not impossible. So I'd say it's possible to have a fulfilling life together if he's committed and not looking for p2p activity, but let's call it possible with logical caution. Be ready and prepared for staying or leaving. (which imo should be default for anyone if possible)
Just my .02 from a place I've been in, in the past and now currently. My 1st hubby came out as bi-then gay and we stayed married for 8 yrs afterward til the kids grew up a bit and are still friendly to this day. My current situation is painful at the moment due to some lies so it's hard to be non-prejudicial at the moment as I work toward my eventually single future.



April 24, 2022 9:22 am  #15

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Hi  , I unfortunately have to agree with the majority of posts.My ex whom I believe to be 100pc Homosexual was in complete denial of who is really is and identified as bisexial ( to himself by the way not to any women he had relationships with over a 30year span) , Married 10 years , had a psychotic breakdown, then admitted to me he was " bisexual" wanted a MOM, I agreed , he went on a complete high for a few months - gay adolesence as Sean ( other poster callls it) ,then a 6 month honeymoon period with me.. during this time he had complete erectile dysfunction..then became extremely depressed again when I wouldnt do anal with him  ( he could maintain an erection with male porn/fantasy talk/anal toys but it got a bit old for me) ..then became as a result emotionally and physically abusive ( Never before in 10 years) i left him, he blamed me for not "believing in him " , he went for therapy and then told me he was completely "cured " of any gay tendencies and is now dating a woman!!- He can have sex with her I believe, as she is very thin and almost androdgynous looking  , she is new and exciting- but this is his 4th rodeo with long term relationships-  fail, deny, repeat..Once they come out as such they "expect" us to support and applaud this new aspect to their sexuality ,  its impossible, ilogical and a war zone emotionally.Sorry 


July 3, 2022 10:10 am  #16

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

I've always watched lesbian porn but the difference is..i don't act on it and I'm not interested or attracted to women beyond porn..im not a man so I'm not sure if men can do the same thing or how that works..i doubt they can look at gay porn and not act on it but who am i to say that's true when ive never been and don't plan on being with a woman

Last edited by Shh0406 (July 3, 2022 10:11 am)


August 19, 2022 1:04 am  #17

Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Hi Harlow,

My husband and I have been together for 30+ years. We’ve built an incredible life together and have a wonderful family. He came out to me as bi almost three years ago. It was rough in the beginning, but we talked about all of it daily for months on end… mostly because I wanted to know everything. He had no problems answering any and all questions. I want to add that I wasn’t surprised as periodically over the years I suspected that he wasn’t perfectly straight. We even spoke about it periodically throughout the years. Anyway, we are doing very well and we have remained monogamous. I’d be happy to talk with you further if you’d like. Feel free to message me. I wish you the very best.


Last edited by TangledOil (August 19, 2022 2:18 am)


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