Sam,
All I can say is WOW when I read this! I SOOOOOOOOOO wish I could share this with my wife. That you & she could talk, so she can see how it CAN be. Dutchman has been so thought provoking for me, but hearing how you were able to come to terms with how a MOM could be a blessing to the gay spouse is equally powerful. I am floored by your openness & incredible self-awareness. I pray my wife & I can get there. Thank you.

Thank you, Samantha! I want to do what you suggest, truly. But even as recently as tonight, it's become even clearer that my wife is perfectly happy for me to be a prop in her charade with family & friends, while treating me as a de-sexed roommate at home. Intimacy has been off the table for 13 months, and she's in no hurry to consider otherwise. As she put it, desire for me hasn't increased this last year, & she doesn't see that changing anytime soon, if at all. So, where does leave me? Performing a role for our children, relatives, & friends--that's about it. I keep praying. We'll see if the Lord listens & responds.

Hi JV42,
Thanks you for your question, a very good question I might add.
Since it has been a while for us in our MOM and therefore my discovery of my SSA, I have to dig a little in my memory how my feelings exactly were back then.
 
But I think, because I can tell that without hesitation, I start with being depressed about my feelings in regard to SSA. I know first hand what depression is and how it closes you off and consumes every positive feeling and thought. Taking energy away to even consider there might be an other way.  Leaving one standing next to the cliff because ‘what’s the point!?’.
That was a big issue during a great deal of time but before I got a view on, and later, a clear grip on my sexual preference.
For me was this discovery about my SSA an answer after a long time, an enlightenment. Even a freedom. Snapping out of my frozen and disliked feelings and frustration about how to deal with that. Being in a relationship with someone I deeply cared for, but not being able to show a real positive response, especially during intimacy and sex. Which of course did have great negative tension on our marriage for a long time.    
 
About feeling anxiety.
I would have to answer this with yes. And maybe even with: of course, for It blended through the entire process.
Though I didn’t wait very long to tell my husband about my lesbian feelings. I think it was a couple of weeks more or less…after I clearly made up for myself what was going on in my mind and that I really had feelings for an other woman.
So fear and worry weren’t a very big deal where one most expect it to be. We always had a good relationship, in which we could communicate openly, so, it was a challenge, absolutely, and I had to find words and a manner on how to start and bringing ‘the news’. It certainly was not our happiest conversation ever.
But secondly for myself, I hate lying and not being truthful. So having to carry that secret did not feel good to begin with. Yes, it was scary and much concern not knowing the outcome or where it would bring me or, in a broader scale, where it would bring us.
Still from the start I knew, though I found my answer and reason for trouble and deep frustration, I would never want to go beyond my marriage or going beyond the vow given to my husband and priority that held to me.
So yes anxiety…on how to deal with my inner emotions and fully learn to know myself, outlining a whole new set of feelings and understandings based on a totally different sexuality.
Though I think it was in my benefit that before that time my sexuality was not a big issue. I didn’t know why it should be fun and enjoyment, nor the notion of being of any value to my spouse, I hated sex to begin with…so… not much prosperity there to find, and not much change either to be expected. For me the value of our sexual relation was litle, to be honest: I didn’t really “get it” actually.
 
Because we frequently spoke about the subject, I can say there was not much opportunity for me avoiding thinking about it.
But it brought clarity to the situation for both of us. Something to deal with and to learn to understand for the both of us.
And I knew and believed him that although he sorely didn’t like what it meant for him, but he nevertheless accepted my orientation. Accepting this was an answer for him, after a long turmoil of trouble times regarding sexuality issues and what it did to his feelings. He was vulnerably open to me, but at the same time not vulnerable to himself.
For the first time I could experience something that was totally new, as to your second question. No, what I felt was of a completely different order then I had with Dutchman. It just wasn’t the season of butterflies all those years ago, though he was fun and a great guy. And I do not regret one minute. I do regret the anxiety I caused him because I didn’t know. But even that feelings have changed later on.
 
As you can read in my story (previous posts) I never had a sexual encounter with a woman and as you say, of course there were times I would have wanted to feel, to hold, to know, for real. I would be lying otherwise. The fact I fell in love opened a door in me to feelings I had never known before and it felt good and close to my heart.
It took a long time for me to get over my butterfly love towards that woman and get my feet back on the ground. I started to look at woman with attraction, instead of looking towards someone you would look in general. Trying to figure and search out what a woman meant to me, if I would connect with what I saw… would do something with my inner self as in connecting. And so on. This was new territory of what and why I liked and where I would feel more. Look at lesbian porn too.  Mostly on my own and by myself.
I didn’t talk about that very much with my husband although we did talk with each other, but then it was in a far more general way and because I cared for him I wouldn’t want to hurt him by confronting him every time with who I was. It’s a mixture of feelings. It was a mixture of intending to do the right thing knowing that your not there all the way, like a heart with another desire.
Focus, or as I call it now, my tunnel-vision, was mainly aimed on my needs and feelings although I wanted to stay married.
It was very mixed up, as you ask about those early days, how it WAS.
 
But of course things changed. Very dramaticaly.

Last edited by SamanthaNL (September 16, 2022 6:52 am)

​Hello again JV42,
 
When you said that if there are still missing feelings, more work needs to be done. How did you go about working on that?
 
I would very much want to answer your question…. Twenty if you have them, for sure. But somehow, reading you response(s) I also felt something else. I felt the need to also, in a way, to answer this question, warn you, that projecting sits around the corner.
My specific way through all this, getting to know myself or see what feelings I may or may not mis is not the dynamic you really need to find as if it will work the same in regard to your spouse.
How angry will you be when things do not turn out as you had hoped for because you read my story… and did all that, just because you read something and acted upon that.
My experience or behavior or even feelings and choices and deep values and character traits are mine and might never be your spouse’s. There are no guarantees to give away.
 
If I have written anything, then it’s : Both, Equally and Together…. Seemingly the same words…but are they? I had to learn that from scratch what they meant. In contribution to the marriage we were striving to keep.
And it got from “keeping, trying and wanting” (through rough periods of time) to understanding, fertilizing and growth, by learning:
talk with each other not to each other.
Both spouses need to want to go for a future together and uphold and recognize the merit of that stance.
Making and learn the meaning to the choices you (and both) make by acting on those choices.
Breaking with the conventional thoughts but setting your own stage in which you can and are able to work together.
If I do not want to be in a closet my spouse shouldn’t certainly be there.
And as a result, so many questions I had find an answer for as an SSA person in a MOM which by time led me to a whole new path.
 
It is not merely something one (can/must) do alone. There is not something that merely “needs to be done” like you ask. It is it is not just an issue that will resolve away in time as in: I am fully straight, don’t need to look at women, fluidity hit the Jackpot, they don’t do it for me…but I did get a kick when I saw this very handsome hot looking sexy man, wow, very excited to look at…and so on and so on…(every aspect with which a normal sexuality and preference is being experienced in normal life, not making any distinction in straight or gay, but just the emotional feelings, hormones and desires which are very healthy, nothing to be scared of and functional normal)…I do not know how that would influence us in where we are now, because I/we learned so much going through this and resulted in such a great and wonderous outcome, totally different and so significantly better as where when we started. But secondly, it isn’t on my priority list, I do not hold my sexual preference as important and admirable (anymore) but my marriage does have those defining clarifications.

But anyway,  it is the wrong entrance if you would merely look on “does the missing-out component still has a limitation and a hold for you” or just aim at: how did you make it work.
It is so much deeper and mindset changing for both of you. And would limit you if you focus on just that.
 
So the key point, although it is good to read positive stories and learn from and with them… talk to those people as a reliable source. They understand what is happening and where the pain and trouble through the turmoil is. There’re an assistance to you and through it. Maybe even a stop sign. But
 
It is all about the two of you. All about finding each other in who she is and vice versa. Making your own story, own choices. Staying with your own set of values and boundaries and hold those high. Not just her values and feelings, you are both participants and equally important in every way. If that is’t met and considered by your spouse as real and fundamental it will not build but break.
Not being determined by others, not in any way. No culture based bias or religious mumbo jumbo making a joke of feelings and struggle with that, instead of making a person responsible for who he or she really ought to be in the totality of all the separate issues that makes a person. Not prioritizing one item. For if my one hand is being hurt…I still have the responsibility to acknowledge the other hand and use it.
Building a strong new foundation on the fallen walls through learning the one you love all over again. That goes both ways… If I said work needs to be done…I really mean this reality. Besides the fact a marriage always needs to worked on… a MOM even harder en more. Recognition and acknowledgment (both ways to the deepest level) never ends… and works to save, trust and meaning between.
Because love is always out to look for “the other”, without hurt or regret, but in full willingness to do so.
Making firm choices together in which both can roam freely and kept.
 
I have written a post a while ago… referring to that, I am not sure you came across it…so…here is a direct link..
OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » 15 years in my MOM with Dutchman (boardhost.com)
 
When you chose to stay with Dutchman, were there times when your missing out feelings were so strong that you weren't sure if you could be happy in the relationship?
 
I hope you will understand to distinguish that a change within yourself can be, and make, a whole new impact. It was an answer for me, so it changed the gravity which initially came from guilt (I did not know what was wrong with me) and shame (why can I not give myself as any other woman) So that disclosure changed my perception towards my husband and intimacy.
 
Yes. There were times through the turmoil and confusion after the first butterflies and going forth together. Sure, it was tough to find a way through and far from feeling happy by times. I hope I can describe the diversity there is in this.  Good intentions do not open emotion, passion, and heart. Just a desire to do what is right because there were 20 years we had shared in a relation. He was (and still is if I might add) a good man. So…I counted myself lucky and blessed with my husband therefor: yes, very happy!
But not passionately happy. Not even just because I missed-out on having a relationship with a woman or my feelings met because I choose for my marriage as a fact. So that governs a lot of the perceptions’ by itself. Still…that doesn’t alter the SSA feelings…and subsequently, just as a straight, or any other for that matter, normal awareness in what you like and having to give that a place in myself, as normal. Feeling comfortable with it, but also having to hide it somewhat because you don’t want to hurt your spouse.
But more as in having to give something my heart wasn’t into. Having a preference by itself is missing a connection entirely whether you like someone or not. So that was an issue by itself as it was hard for Dutchman as well, he was consequently missing-out on me… a thing I didn’t/couldn’t really understand for quite some time…So for both of us It took time. Gradually finding ways through…by talking, by seeking ways to relax and bring pleasure back in to the bedroom. Accepting and being able to define my feelings and values in who I was and I am not my feelings nor my sexuality.
Having SSA feelings is not damaging by itself, but one can make those feelings to a very damaging tool.
A few times we came close to an end before we knew all this….So it sure was work in progress by learning step by step.
But no, not then or now, ever to the point that I would have wanted it any other way.
 
I hope I gave a clear enough description to what you asked.
I just read Dutchmans response to you in his thread, ( yet shorter 😉) the same things in a different way. 
 
Sam

Last edited by SamanthaNL (September 16, 2022 11:24 am)

Hi Samantha,

Thank you so much again for the informative responses!
I just wanted a bit more clarification on the differences in the love you experienced for that other woman and Dutchman. Are you saying saying that you never experienced the butterflies feeling towards Dutchman? And is the love you experience with him now more unconditional love instead of romantic love? When you said that you accepted that you were a lesbian, did you feel the need to be part of the lgbt community or participate in the culture? I feel like a lot of lgbt people find this important in accepting who they are. If you found out earlier in your relationship, would anything have been different since there would be no vows to keep to?