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1 of 1- Anon2222
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Odd One Out
So I'm probably one of the odd one's out in all of this....but I actually want a MOM. I want to stay with my husband. I don't want a divorce. When he came out as bi a couple years ago, I worked through a lot and came to the conclusion that I wanted to make the marriage work. I was willing to at least try different avenues and see how things went.
I still don't want to separate, or divorce. But he does. Now that he has decided he is gay. No questions, no doubts, no nothing. He has stated that he is sorry but he has absolutely no feelings for me, just completely platonic, neutral, may be friends. He spent the last few years leaving the marriage, while I was the one fighting for it. Wish he had given me the memo.
I look at him...and he still looks like my husband. He's incredibly attractive (I had one woman tell me he was out of my league) and I am still very much attracted. He's an amazing person and has treated me well until this point. He's financially well off.....and is even going to pay the house expenses as support for me so I can continue to live my life (I can't afford to keep the house otherwise). And yes, it's all in legalese.
Reading stories here....I feel like I should be relieved. Instead, it feels like he's paying to get rid of me. I feel like a disposable commodity.
I'm sitting here in what was supposed to be the "until retirement" home that we would work together to fix up. We've put a ton of blood, sweat, tears, and money into this place. There's "our" pets surrounding me. We had plans to start traveling, as we finally were on solid footing. Potentially getting a cabin to go out to on weekends.
I am just sitting here, bewildered, and wondering where it all went so wrong.
He went and looked at a rental place today (the first one he's even looked at) and put in the application. It's a 500 sqft studio type apartment at the top of a high rise. He's the one that wanted the house in the first place....and was stoked about the large yard of this place. He is signing for Sept 1. So....a whole 2 weeks notice.
I realized I don't even know this person anymore. 2 decades, we've never been apart more than a few days....and I'm married to a complete stranger.
So, I am trying very hard to put on brave girl pants and just go with the flow. But....I'm terrified. Overwhelmed. And I feel like life is just happening to me and I have no say in anything. It's a horrible feeling.
- Daryl
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Re: Odd One Out
Perhaps do some small things that are YOUR choice. Could be as simple as painting some rooms in colours you prefer, or rearranging furniture. It's a small thing but it's a way you start taking control back.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Anon2222
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Re: Odd One Out
Thank you Daryl. It's funny you mention painting a room. I am actually painting the master bedroom now in a color I picked out. And redecorating it. I've decided it's MY room now so I'm gonna redo it. Also just ripped the bathroom out and redid it. It's done in a dog theme (I love dogs...my husband in his coming outness also told me that he dislikes dogs and all pets and will never have one again....again, I had no idea. I always thought they were "ours". Post divorce he told me he has no need to see them again.)
I think the hardest part of all this is the fact that I have had literally no say in any of this. Like, if we had worked this out together and came to the conclusion of divorce, that would be one thing. But to be together for so long and just kept in the dark and then be told hey you're getting a divorce, surprise! Even with the rental thing....we had discussed him moving out in October/November. Simply because of life circumstances, I have a lot of stuff happening that I need help with in that time frame (which he had originally planned to do anyway)....and he goes and signs a rental for Sept 1. His excuse? He wasn't planning to like the place so much.
I know I will get to the point where the feelings will turn off. Where I will stop seeing him as my life partner. And every little betrayal and lack of communication and broken promise...the feelings fade a little more. But the hurt and pain is unbearable.
I feel so much for all the people on this page. I feel like a broken record with my posts, but everyone has been so supportive. And this is the only place where I feel like I can just put what I'm actually feeling. My friends try to be supportive, but they don't understand. They think I should be happy he's moving out. That I should be embracing the single life. On and on.
I pray I can get through this....
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Odd One Out
It can be head spinning, how fast "us" becomes "me". In some cases, they were never part of "us", except as a cover story.
You get through this one small act or step at a time. The speed isn't important as long as you are moving.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Odd One Out
"I think the hardest part of all this is the fact that I have had literally no say in any of this. Like, if we had worked this out together and came to the conclusion of divorce, that would be one thing. But to be together for so long and just kept in the dark and then be told hey you're getting a divorce, surprise!"
I think this is one of the most difficult and painful things to understand or realize. All the time we were thinking of us as "we," they were thinking of us as a dead weight holding them back or a necessary evil. They were simply not invested. They may have pretended to be--as in "sure, let's get dogs"--but it was part of the charade.
In order to live with a secret like theirs, and to live with us, they have to engage in a lot of psychological rationalizations that devalue or dehumanize us. To let themselves off the ethical hook, they have to convince themselves we are acceptable collateral damage. They may even develop contempt for us because we are such (in their eyes) willing dupes (who then therefore deserve their scorn and ill treatment). These years of rationalizing, and living with the attitudes they develop about us, I think, that enables them to act unilaterally and so coldly when they do open that closet door.
And yes, it's a devastating psychological blow to realize this, and to have one's spouse drop the pretense and start revealing the real contents previously hidden in their closet.
I agree with Daryl. You get through it minute by minute, hurt by hurt. Every hurt you survive, every time you dry your eyes, get up off the couch, get out of bed in the morning, is one small act that helps you rebuild yourself. My experience was that as I just kept taking those steps, the more I was able to accept that what I thought I had was not real. I wanted it to be real, but I had to accept it never was. Radical acceptance of the reality comes hard, but when it does you can begin to heal.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 14, 2022 10:04 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Odd One Out
Anon2222 wrote:
...... We had plans to start traveling, ...
2016 my partner started a new job in the city (we'd moved from out of the city, then closer to the outer suburbs) and he'd spoken of at last being able to move to the inner-city where we'd have more opportunities in our freedom after our last child had moved out. Looking back I can pinpoint the month it ramped up. October 2016, he was training into the city every day, a few things felt off but hey....I put them to the back of my mind. The last child....hah child! he was a working adult....moved out and 4 months later my partner emailed me his "proposal" that I give him space to sexually explore with men. The Mindfuck Email. Again, looking back I can see the slow but almost insistent pace of his intentions. Not wanting to rock the boat but never actually appearing to have genuine consideration for how I felt. Willing to take a step back when I was too emotional but never acknowledging that my concerns warranted anything more than a "there there....what can I do?"
9 years ago when I flew back to NZ to visit my mother I should have stayed here
4 years ago when I left after an argument I should never have gone back
2 years ago he asked me if I wanted him to move out for a few months to give me space. I should've said yes! but let me be the one to move out!
The ties that bind me to this man make me think that I can't make it on my own
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 14, 2022 8:54 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: Odd One Out
Anon,
I also had to deal with a spouse that unilaterally decided she did not want to be married anymore..she wanted me moved out etc. Besides hurtful I found it arrogant like she was a God or an omnipotent being. Not sure who declared that these spouses get to choose how our lives should be lived. As soon as I decided what I wanted I was greeted with extreme anger. Decide and be careful I say.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7