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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
Blackie563 wrote:
.....I am still very emotional, this news is still less than a week old for me. My wife and I talk every day so thats good I think. ....
I think it's very likely that, being a woman and more likely to need somebody to talk to... that she's already discussing this with a friend, someone close, not you.
And being a man you may not think it necessary to unload on a friend, or a family member but if you know somebody who will keep your confidence, and listen without judgement... allow you to talk
...do it sooner than later
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Gloria
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
Blackie563, you can send me a private message anytime you won't to if you are hesitant about posting here. I will show you kindness and compassion.
- Blackie563
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
I will admit my belief is she has kept this seminal truth of herself hidden from you from the start and she is only telling you now because she wants to. and it is still tip of the iceberg.
You may be correct. I did ask her that directly. Her response was she has what she wants and is just as confused by this as I am. We both have training counselors we are now seeing and agreed to see hers together, as we go through the discovery together will inform my next steps. I tend to believe her, we've always had a strong trust and shared things that could have been bad, but were shared anyway.
I am trying to keep myself busy, idle time is not good right now. I just break down. Thank you so much for your suggestions, thinking of how I might approach this in different ways is very helpful
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Thread Starter- Blackie563
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
And being a man you may not think it necessary to unload on a friend, or a family member but if you know somebody who will keep your confidence, and listen without judgement... allow you to talk
...do it sooner than later
I agree. I do have one friend I can and have shared this with, in addition to my counselor. My friend has been extremely helpful and supportive. She happens to be gay, which helps actually because of her prospective. I believe in living your authentic self and harbor no ill will towards any groups. My pain is because this was never contemplated by either of us...and she told me she has everything she ever wanted with me, but given her commitment to honesty, must find out if this is just a random same sex attraction or a long repressed defined preference. I know its going to be a long road, it just hurts not knowing when and where it will shake out.
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Thread Starter- Robou812
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
My suggestion is to take it one day at a time and if that is too much then start with an hour.
Just because you cannot see the road that lays before you does not mean it isn't there.
My wife and I are hoping to make our MOM work. That means something different to everyone. I have the person I want to grow old with. At some age sex doesn't matter so if it is just sex is that ok? You and your partner have to decide as no one but you can answer whether the juice is worth the squeeze. Know that there are those of us that can move forward together and it does not have to be doom and gloom.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
..... I know its going to be a long road, it just hurts not knowing when and where it will shake out. ..
Yes it will be an incredibly long road. In fact because our lives have been shaken and tipped upside down so we're not sure sure who we are, where we're going or how long it's going to take.... this may never end. It's not like tomorrow our spouses are going to say "sorry. My mistake. I'm not gay" and everything goes back to what it was. There's been a fundamental change in us, deep down in the core of who we are, who we thought we were and I believe (for myself, I wouldn't presume it of anybody else) that I have to learn a new me. I have 3 choices. Be content with staying here and not being resentful (SO difficult) or leaving and making a new life for myself, at 64+ (SO difficult) or continuing to be resentful, indecisive but surviving in the shallow waters of the easy life he provides for me (the most challenging)
I don't like who I am these days. Or the compromises I've had to make but I won't let this defeat me
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Blackie563
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
My suggestion is to take it one day at a time and if that is too much then start with an hour.
I think this is where I am, one hour. I'm not crying as much as a week ago when I found out, but thats partially because the kids are home and we agreed not to let them know anything until we know more and I think I can go a bit longer depending on the situation.
I wish you and your wife the best in your situation and trying MOM. We are just getting to the first step of her identifying is that really her orientation, or just something about this particular woman? (the woman has no idea and is married too btw).
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Thread Starter- Blackie563
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
Yes it will be an incredibly long road. In fact because our lives have been shaken and tipped upside down so we're not sure sure who we are, where we're going or how long it's going to take.... this may never end. It's not like tomorrow our spouses are going to say "sorry. My mistake. I'm not gay" and everything goes back to what it was. There's been a fundamental change in us, deep down in the core of who we are, who we thought we were and I believe (for myself, I wouldn't presume it of anybody else) that I have to learn a new me.
Elle
Elle - this is a profound statement, perhaps for different reasons, but resonates with me. You're right, even 2 months from now, she comes to the conclusion that there was just something about this particular woman, but her orientation is not fundamentally changed, WE have already changed. We changed, not when she started feeling something for a woman, but when she decided to shut me out for 4 months, which is something we've never done to each other for any topic or any reason.
I am a bit younger, 42, so while starting over isn't unrealistic, I am in the height of my career and my 3 kids are are absolutely critical times in their lives. (Senior in HS and twin middle schoolers). I grew up in a single family home because my dad was abusive to my mom. This wouldnt be that, but our kids have always been "protective" of our relationship and a split would devastate them. That said, it would be worse staying together if we can not gain some level of what we had before, because the kids already know things are different know. She avoids me, conversations are harder, etc. In my head I go back and forth from wanting to leave now and just deal with the pain, but have a starting point for something new, back to wanting to stick it out and fight for what we built together for 23 years (19 years marriage, 23 together).
Elle - I am so sorry you are not liking who you are today. I dont even know you and that pains me to hear you arent being yourself. I'm religiously educated, but not religious per se, but I will put a positive thought for you to find peace. You deserve peace.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
At 48 it's about quality of life going ahead - you have a lot of living still to do and the strength to form a new life.
Sean the ex gay husband talks about the difference it makes when you have gay sex. Before that he could perform but after that he couldn't do it with his wife so easily. It's emotional, his emotionality has shifted.
My best guess, from all the stories I have heard is that the point at which your wife went cold on you is likely to be the point at which she had sex with a woman and the point you are at now - my guess is that she is trying to keep her marriage together while getting more leg room for her gay lifestyle.
So wishing you the best of luck. If you are going to do counselling together for heavens sake don't use her counsellor - that's asking for it! you are likely to find yourself in a two on one situation.
- lily
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Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?
oh and Robou - just curious but what makes you think sex doesn't matter as you age?
one day I turned the tv on and there was a reality show going on in a hospital and there was this nurse tending to a dying man. She leaned into him, just think sexy thoughts she said.