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August 3, 2022 3:26 pm  #1

Gay Spouse Dating

How do people deal with the resentment, anger and hurt of their gay spouse dating?

I am a middle aged woman with a chronic illness. I think I look fine, but I am not society's ideal by any means. I feel as though my dating pool will be relatively limited. Maybe I'm wrong...but I don't have high hopes for myself out there. I honestly feel like this is the best it's gonna get....and it's depressing as hell.  

He, on the other hand, is a very attractive man (like in the conventional society sense and just overall). He is also very successful job wise, financially, everything. And since he is just dumping his life and walking away...I can see a longgggggg list of prospects out there for him and having no trouble at all dating and sleeping around.

Add into it the weird state of mind I have now where if I even look at a guy all I can think about is the fact that....hey, what if both me and my husband find this guy hot! And it just freaks/grosses me out.

It's like...he managed to fuck up my entire life: mentally, emotionally, physically. And I don't know how to cope with the fact that it's 100% likely that he's going to move on first, date, have sex, have a shit ton of money, travel and do all the things we promised to do together. I'm so angry and hurt it actually physically hurts. Sometimes I just want to not wake up in the morning so I don't have to deal with another day of the bullshit.

How does everyone else cope?


August 3, 2022 5:22 pm  #2

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

The most beneficial long lasting thing you can do to help your feelings is have a lawyer who has your back and can make sure you get everything you are entitled to.  and then go for it, every dollar, every teaspoon that is yours.

Nothing can change how badly he has affected you and you might have to wait years for any sort of outside validation other than from reading here.  But your question is great, helping yourself cope and what I have found is little things help me with my feelings a lot of the time and with time it is to feel new friendships forming and that feels great.



August 3, 2022 10:18 pm  #3

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

Anon2222 wrote:

......How does everyone else cope?

Well Anon....when you think that he hasn't been on the same page as you for quite some time it's no wonder he's ready to rumble. 
It must be difficult to not feel aggrieved about such petty and selfish moves even though you know you haven't been top of his list/front of his mind for a while. But he doesn't deserve your attention or acknowledgement so you have to find a way not to care so much. I know I know!...easy for me to say, my partner's scampered back into his bisexual closet, and I don't have it "in my face" every day, but I've used a mental strategy to stop myself thinking about the stuff he might be doing and it worked so I reckon you have to work on the triggers that have you taking on and thinking about what he's doing, who he's seeing, what he's left you with

Because you don't want it all back do you? It's onward and upward yes?

'hugs' from Elle

KIA KAHA                       

August 3, 2022 10:43 pm  #4

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

My GX was actively cheating leaving  me home with the kids.  In the beginning I would physically shake uncontrollably from the betrayal, hurt and trauma.    I needed to get anti-depressants and them also pills for the shaking.

Toward the end as we were divorcing I was like please go out, please leave me home with the kids, go away...just go.

Its hard not to have resentment..   I think my GX made our very well financially but I don't envy here.. she does not  seem happy the few times I've seen her.sure she travels, brought a new car..but ...  still massive anger issues..   Still with the girlfriend I assume ..who struck me as an insecure narcissist like her..  I don't think is all so wonderful in gayland.

The sad truth is these spouses can have all the money in the world, travel the world with their new gay lovers.. and still not be happy.       I take comfort in not having to deal with the lies, plotting and untruthful words..promises of love that change with the wind or weather..    I thank God everyday for getting me away ..a priceless gift.   

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

August 4, 2022 7:53 am  #5

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

I guess my situation is a bit unique? He didn't cheat, get obsessed with porn or anything else. He did come out before it got to that point.

The other thing is, I honestly don't think it was malicious. I do believe he did not have the intent to hurt me, and doesn't want to now. I think he was in denial and once he actually started realizing it, he did try to come out as soon as he knew. 

That's doesn't excuse all the selfish things he did, and the deceit, and not once including me in the process. He has told me many times that I deserve way better than him. He's been open since and apologized many times. He has offered spousal support with no questions asked and has said he will continue to provide support as long as I need.

So....it's like....I love and hate this person at the same time. He destroyed my entire life and yet is trying to be really considerate about it. I don't know what to do with that?

Sometimes I think if he would just be an asshole this would be easier. But....he's still this wonderful guy. Just not my husband anymore or the person I married. Which is why it pisses me off so much....he's gonna make someone an amazing partner and I'm destroyed that it's not me.

So. I feel like my story makes things harder in some ways if that makes sense? I want to hate him. I want to want to have him out of my life....but he's still here, supporting me, cleaning, running errands, cooking grocery shopping and making sure I take care of my illness. So I don't even know what to do with that? He's doing all this while sorting and planning moving out. It's such a mind fuck that I end up more confused than anything....

     Thread Starter

August 4, 2022 7:57 am  #6

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

Rob, I also got away. I found out my ex boyfriend was gay in May of 20/20 and I did not break up with him for a year. I was self isolating during Covid and he was one of the seven people I was around in a year. My son moved in with me and his large dog bit my 13 pound dog and my little dog spent seven days in hospital. I would go to my boyfriends house four nights a week to keep my little dog safe. This man was very kind to my dog and to me. I understand why some people leave and some stay. I choose to leave and was very lucky to connect with someone from my past and got married. I really don't have bad feelings for the gay man. I just wish that he had not lied. He was born in 1944 and I don't think that he will ever come out. Do what is best for you. I am holding a good thought for you and also sending you a big hug


August 4, 2022 8:00 am  #7

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

I might add that I know that some stay because of children and some stay because of pet children. I will never, ever, tell anyone on this forum that their children do not matter.  I was also taught to respect people's feelings even though I may not agree.


August 4, 2022 10:56 am  #8

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

Anon, I understand your situation. My husband did not cheat either (I believe him because we spent all the time together and there was literally no time nor opportunity for that). And he also came out to me as soon as he knew. Now he lives elsewhere, trying to become a woman (ugh).

Right now I struggle with conflicting emotions. I remember the devastation and pain and I feel like I'd like to strangle him at that moment. Another time I remember the moments when we were happy and I sorely miss the person he was back then. Sometimes I pretend they were two different people, so that I can miss the good one and hate the bad one. I have no idea if I can find any better way to process it in the future (but I want to try... honestly, this feels a little weird). 

The dating part is a little different for me. I heard that people are not too eager to date trans women, so his chances are not so bright. But the thought of him being with anyone else still makes me sick. We haven't seen each other since he moved out and I try to minimize other forms of contact and simply... stop caring.


August 4, 2022 8:55 pm  #9

Re: Gay Spouse Dating

Marianne wrote:

 Sometimes I pretend they were two different people, so that I can miss the good one and hate the bad one. I have no idea if I can find any better way to process it in the future (but I want to try... honestly, this feels a little weird). 

I feel like he is a totally different person now. At times I don't even recognize him anymore. And yet, sometimes glimmers of the man I once loved with everything I had poke through. I'm miserable.

At this point a part of me wants him to move out...I just want to stop living this strange lie. But I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself when he leaves. I'm debating just taking a ton of hours at work because I don't know what else to do. It's that or sit around alone with the dogs watching tv.

More than anything, I ache for what once was. And all the plans we had for life. And I still can't wrap my head around what the hell just happened.

     Thread Starter

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