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July 27, 2022 5:47 pm  #11


Re: What to do, what to think?

“My mind is constantly racing and reliving and re-analyzing. I am going through stages of grief. Extreme sadness, anger, feeling lost, not wanting to be here anymore... I am emotionally exhausted. “
   Grace, that’s me too, and I’ve been doing it for five or more years now. It’s super hard: he swears it was a one time identity crisis, that all he wants is me, but there are holes, inconsistencies all over the place. Which he minimizes. So I wonder if I’m off base. Again. It’s a terrible cycle. And yup, I agree with everyone here, it certainly doesn’t seem to be changing for me. I feel like I just keep beating  my head on a wall….I know that splitting up is the healthy answer, but I’m having a lot of trouble pulling it off.  Good luck to you; sending care and concern across the oceans!

 

July 27, 2022 7:41 pm  #12


Re: What to do, what to think?

I feel for you. It's my 16th wedding anniversary in a couple weeks too. I got the bombshell coming up on a month ago. I still don't know what up is. One second I'm like "I can do this!" the next second I'm in the fetal position on the ground crying. 

Where my story differs from a lot of others though...is my husband wants a divorce. It's non-negotiable apparently. I didn't even get a say in any of this. Just told "yo! I'm leaving!". Every fibre of my being wants to try to save the marriage, somehow make it work, I don't want to be alone...the sad thing is, I read some of the stories and think that jeez I'm not even worth pretending to fight for....mine just went for divorce (and it makes me feel like a disposable piece of trash). He actually said to me that he wants to find a "true and intimate" relationship.....like, what the hell was I for the last 16 years then????

Honestly, my mind is so fucked up it's not even funny. So. Take a breath and stand back. Sometimes it's honestly all a person can do. Take it one day at a time. You don't have to make any firm decisions now. And pressuring yourself to just makes it worse. 

I agree with others, now is NOT the time to move. I moved with my gay husband just over a year ago to what was supposed to be "our" fixer upper that we were going to live in long term. See how well that ended *eye roll*.

This is not the time to make any major decisions. This is the time to seek counselling, talk to your doctor about self care (proper sleep, treating anxiety and depression if needed etc) and put yourself first. And if your husband does want to actually make this work he should be understanding of this and give you the time and space you need and not rush you into major, life altering decisions. 

This group is great for support. And you start to find out that you're not alone in how you're feeling or what you're thinking. You have the added stress of a new baby on top of everything, so take care of yourself! 

 

July 27, 2022 9:42 pm  #13


Re: What to do, what to think?

" I read some of the stories and think that jeez I'm not even worth pretending to fight for"

I think we all feel some form of this, no matter the particular details of our stories.  I know I had the feeling about my trans identifying husband that I was such a bad woman he didn't even want to be a man.  I also had the feeling that I wasn't as important to him as wearing women's clothes.  I lost out to lingerie!   What the hell did that say about me?

 I think this is part of how we react to rejection--we internalize the fault and blame ourselves.  Once I realized that I had been conditioned over many years of marriage (I had been married 32 years when my now-es dropped his trans bomb) to take the blame for whatever was wrong in our marriage, it became easier to stop blaming myself and internalizing his rejection.  His rejection was on him; he was the one who was at fault, and there was no reason for me to take on to myself his blameshifting judgement.  And there's no reason for you to do it, either.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 27, 2022 9:43 pm)

 

July 29, 2022 3:46 am  #14


Re: What to do, what to think?

So he sent me a bouquet of flowers whilst away on business for our anniversary.  He came home and that evening I checked his phone. My gut feeling has been telling me for a long time something is not right. He had fallen asleep on the couch and I took his phone There was a message to a guy, thanking him for a really (6 times) good time. This guy responded he had too and my husband responded he is pleased. I confronted him after I stopped shaking from being in shock. He said this guy was a friend and he was able to vent to him. Supposedly my husband put a post on reddit asking for a listening ear and this guy responded. When I asked to see the post, he said he deleted it.
I am currently spending my second night in a hotel as I could not stay at home. I cannot believe I have left my daughter behind and I miss her so much.
Can you please tell me that this is not normal correspondence between mates, that this message rieks of hook up.... or am I just too sensitive and looking too hard.
He has definately started to gaslight me, putting blame on me, deferring from my questions.
It's doing my head in!

Last edited by stuckinoz (July 29, 2022 3:49 am)

     Thread Starter
 

July 29, 2022 8:33 am  #15


Re: What to do, what to think?

I am so sorry. When I found signs that my ex boyfriend was gay and confronted him, he always had an explanation for everything that he did. I was so very hurt and so very shocked when I found out. More than likely, this was a text to a lover. I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

 

July 29, 2022 8:55 am  #16


Re: What to do, what to think?

*hugs* Know you have support here during this difficult time.

Not going to lie....if it was really so innocuous an exchange then I would think he would be happy to be open and upfront about it. Understand why you're concerned and go through everything with you.

Denying it, spinning stories, and saying he made a reddit post and deletes it....all sounds very fishy. And if it was no big deal, why didn't he just tell you about it, saying he was reaching out to get some support himself. None of it adds up. 

Is there anywhere you can go with your baby to take a break? Be able to get a breather and gain a bit of perspective? Is he open to moving out temporarily while you get yourself collected? Or even moving to another part of the house and giving you space? Is he willing to work with you at all?

Lastly, do you have a support people to talk to? Or a counsellor? This whole thing is such a mind fuck it can be impossible to look after yourself in it. Getting an outside perspective can help. Keep posting and one minute at a time.

 

July 29, 2022 1:45 pm  #17


Re: What to do, what to think?

stuckinoz wrote:

....
It's doing my head in!

 
To stop it "doing your head in" you have to stop it going your head in.
You have admit to yourself that what he's doing...the dishonesty, the cover-ups... are actually doing the harm. Admit that it's all not going to somehow correct itself and go back to the happy life it was before.

When you finally can accept all that, and know you no longer have to ask questions and be confused... it'll make the way forward easier because you'll no longer have the emotional torment and indecision you're experiencing now.

It's up to you StuckinOz because he shouldn't be in charge of how you do this. This is your life.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 29, 2022 2:02 pm  #18


Re: What to do, what to think?

Stuckinoz - Once you start to ask yourself what you want and accept that he's moved to blameshifting and gaslighting, then you can start to take control of what you want. I found this group in December and I am just starting to make my needs and wants a priority.  Having younger children has made this harder to navigate but I refuse to take BS and strategic planning is needed! Take time to process what you are feeling. It is definitely a mind-game so seek a professional counselor and look into your trusted circle for support. I'm so sorry this has happened to you! 

 

August 31, 2022 8:59 am  #19


Re: What to do, what to think?

Me again... it has taken me all this time to reflect and pause and analyse all of his behaviours. And I am ready to take a break / separate. What has happened now is that he is shifting the blame onto me, that I have made him feel like home is not his home. Because of me he has anxiety coming home, I don't talk nice to him, etc etc. He brought up the topic of him finding another apartment, I agreed that we need to discuss giving each other space as he works on his stuff and I work through this. When we spoke this evening, he is overseas again, he said he wants our daughter 50/50. Anything less would not be fair. I have not felt my heart break before that moment. How he can blame me, and then take my daughter away from me! I am distraught, heart broken, and so very scared at how he can be like this. I thought I knew him. He is not the man I thought he was, the one I fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe he planned it this way all along? He already had a look online at apartments and then asked if I wanted to go and have a look at them with him.
How did I get here????

     Thread Starter
 

August 31, 2022 2:23 pm  #20


Re: What to do, what to think?

My comments in red 

stuckinoz wrote:

Me again... it has taken me all this time to reflect and pause and analyse all of his behaviours. And I am ready to take a break / separate. What has happened now is that he is shifting the blame onto me, that I have made him feel like home is not his home. Because of me he has anxiety coming home, I don't talk nice to him, etc etc. Of course he would rather you take the blame, you have the emotional space to do that, and he knows it. It allows him to use your confusion as another reason to move away from you. Falling in love is one of the easiest things todo. Falling out of love is the hardest, especially when you have all these dreams & expectations of how your life would be. Keep remembering....your husband is the one doing the changing, not you. 
He brought up the topic of him finding another apartment, I agreed that we need to discuss giving each other space as he works on his stuff and I work through this. I think that's an excellent idea! You need time and distance away from him. To reassess. 
When we spoke this evening, he is overseas again, he said he wants our daughter 50/50. Anything less would not be fair. I have not felt my heart break before that moment. I don't think any judge looking at a father who spends time away from home, overseas! will give him 50/50. You need to lawyer up if you haven't already and find out your rights. Be the driver of this Stuckinoz, so you can become Unstuck. 
How he can blame me, and then take my daughter away from me! I am distraught, heart broken, and so very scared at how he can be like this. I thought I knew him. He is not the man I thought he was, the one I fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He's doing it this way because it's easier for him, so he won't feel like such a horrible person, mostly in the eyes of others, but his accusations are feeding off your grief. When you finally accept he's really not the man you married anymore you'll see this all clearer. 
Maybe he planned it this way all along? He already had a look online at apartments and then asked if I wanted to go and have a look at them with him. Nah he didn't plan this all along. It would've been a niggle, an itch inside him that he didn't take much note of at first because he was busy trying to appear like he was living a straight life. Then as your lives progressed maybe he realised there was more to life and he made the decision to change the dynamics of it, without telling you.
How did I get here???? I know you mean how did you get to the Mindfuck. There's only one person who can honestly tell you that but I doubt you'll ever get the absolute truth....but Stuck...you got here (the Forum) when you realised you needed the advice and help of other straightspouses at a time when nobody else but a straightspouse knows what you're going through. Keep posting, keep asking questions... 

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 31, 2022 6:44 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

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