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- RoseColoredGlasses
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Agl03, you sound clear and strong, which is awesome. Good luck getting through; I find all of this so hard!
- RoseColoredGlasses
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Ag103, I am proud of you for your strength, backbone. It will bring all of you to a better place. I’m still trying to get him to “cooperate” and work with me to an amicable split but he keeps making it hard for me, vowing that I’m all he wants - when his ex boyfriend/stalker sent me dirty texts, pictures of them doing all kinds of stuff, GIDH says just an experiment that proved all he wanted is me, at a time when he was mired in self-doubt, but really? Come on. You don’t put yourself in that position physically unless there is something that you need there. I can’t imagine otherwise. And I don’t have to imagine, I have pictures. And. yet, he vows all he wants is me. Even though I was asking why the dog was sleeping between us more than 10 years ago. I hate this. Hopefully I can find your backbone and punch through this wall of denial before more time is wasted.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Hi Rose,
I don't know that attempting to punch a hole in his denial is going to help.
He sounds like he wants to keep his closet.
Part of the deal I went through with my ex was unspoken - a tacit agreement that if he agreed to divorce I would not talk about him being gay.with his family and friends. Without that he would have kept on dragging his heels worse than he did anyway.
Last edited by lily (July 23, 2022 1:14 pm)
- RoseColoredGlasses
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Lily, you are right, and seeing it written out like that made me realize a huge part of what I need to punch through is my own wall of denial. It is so hard for me to believe that this “best friend” of mine is not the person I thought he was, morally. I don’t mean the sex and cheating, although I guess I should quit making excuses for that, too - as I mean the gaslighting, the willingness to deceive me, conscious choices to bend the truth. I thought he was a good guy, my husband of 30 years. A lot of people think he’s a good guy. I’m part of that cover story. Have been willingly for a long time. How do I change roles, beliefs? And still be true to myself? I think like you - don’t even talk about it, just go, But that’s going to mean leaving the life we built behind. All or must of it. And letting him continue to look like.a good guy. My only other option is war, a messy divorce. Which I will “win” with so much proof of cheating (he had to take a restraining order out against the affair partner) but really no one will win, and my children will be hurt. So. I have to be the bigger person, again. Ouch. What did I do to deserve this? I guess life isn’t about deserving, that’s a myth - but it can still be what you make of it. Thank for replying.
Rose
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Rose,
It's hard. This stage you're in is hard, the one in which you see the truth but would prefer it not be the truth, the one in which you realize that in order to live your truth--the honest truth--you're going to have to give up a whole life and a way of looking at the world and don't want to have to do this, the one in which you understand that your oh-so-damaged husband, the one who is willing to sacrifice you to his need to remain in the closet, the one who saw you always as something of use to him in perpetuating his lie and his self-deception, but never saw you of value as you, in and of yourself, and don't want to believe it even though the evidence is staring you in the face. It's hard. It's so hard.
You can't make him do the right thing, and you can't control the narrative after you leave, and yes, it's highly likely that he will continue to live in his closet with few people the wiser, and he will continue to benefit from that. You will have to be the one to do the right thing. And, yes, in some ways you will emerge with the short end of the stick. And yes, that is unfair, so unfair. And yes, it will infuriate you and eat you up inside--for a while. But you will also be free to build your own life on honesty, and you will know that you have emerged an ethical person, who knows right from wrong and has chosen to honesty over lies.
For what it's worth, your children are being hurt right now and will continue to be hurt, whether covertly by the inevitable ways in which your husband's deceptions and outright lies condition your home, or overtly, by a divorce. They will, that is, be hurt whether you stay or go. The difference is that with honesty, they can begin to understand what they have seen and felt around them, and begin to take charge of their own lives.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 25, 2022 11:40 am)
- lily
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
It's important not to beat yourself up - no punching holes in your denial!, and anyway that isn't denial - denial is plain out lying, denying the truth knowingly - it is completely natural to believe what your partner says, this is the person you trust the most, even after you realise he isn't being honest, in the moment it is natural to believe him first.
Only you can plot your course. and I mean that most sincerely - you know what to do. It's like if you look down and can see the ground beneath your feet then you can see enough to take the next step - your good nature is not going to change, whatever steps you take.
- RoseColoredGlasses
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Lily and OutofHisCloset:
Thank you both, so much, for the support, OK, so I’m finally out, in my own space, and it feels right. More peace than in a long time, no more racing thoughts etc. But, no surprise, he is being awful! Somehow he thinks he’s the victim! He had a stalker boyfriend who sent me pornographic pics, he got drunk and lost his job - that we moved for - he still can’t get control of his drinking - but somehow all of this is my fault, for not “forgiving” him. Jerk! And actually, I do forgive him, I just don’t trust him. Out. At least I’m out. Ugh. Have to coordinate dogs and teenager/young adult. Can do that by text. He so doesn’t appreciate me! But if he did, I guess we wouldn’t be here, Oh, he’d still be gay, but there were honest paths. Which he did not choose. But somehow he’s the victim? Ugh!!
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
well done Rose, yes it was the same for me. I was almost horrified at how I relaxed - omg I have been living with this stressor all this time.
and yes, the poor victim went into overdrive telling everyone how awful I am. as you say - ugh!