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July 25, 2022 11:43 am  #1


Seeking support

Hello all.

I am new to this page, but find so much comfort in knowing I am not alone in this situation.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years.  He has always been an amazing husband and father. I've never felt anything but love and support from him. A couple years into our marriage, I discovered a post he had made on CL looking for a gay hookup.  This post was made years before we were in a relationship.  None the less it absolutely crushed me.  I confronted him and he said that he never followed through and he was just curious, but assured me he was not gay. I should mention that we are both Christians...which further leads to my confusion on it all. Anyways fast forward a little ways and after my husband got a vasectomy he had to wear tight fitting underwear while he recovered from the procedure.  He borrowed some of my underwear and after a few weeks he admitted that he had an underwear fetish and enjoyed wearing womens underwear.  While it made me uncomfortable, I supported him.  Fast forward even further, he started showing interest in wearing womens clothing and shaving his legs and pubic hair.  I tried to go along with it for months, but my attraction to him suffered.  I am very much attracted to masculine men and have zero attraction for women.  One day he decided to give it all up and threw all women's clothing away and stopped shaving.  He went back to being the masculine man I married.  I was thrilled.  Well a month or so ago
he started talking about being miserable and just wanting to be normal.  He was wanting to wear women's underwear and clothing again.  He said that he sometimes feels feminine and sometimes feels masculine.  After doing some research he said he could best describe it as gender fluid.  He reassures me that he is not gay and he does not want to transition, but my brain goes back to the CL postings and just overall fear that he will discover that he is trans after all.  I will always love him.  I feel sad that he feels the way he does.  He says that he has prayed all of his life for this to go away.

I want to be as supportive as possible, but I know in the long run that a marriage is not possible if he does indeed want to become a woman.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.  My heart goes out to everyone that is facing this...

Last edited by FindingOurWay (July 25, 2022 11:49 am)

 

July 25, 2022 2:50 pm  #2


Re: Seeking support

Welcome to the Mindfuck The place where not only do you have to redefine yourself, and everything you believed to be true about your world.... husband, truth, marriage, love, commitment.... you also have the weight of who your husband is and who he may become sitting on your shoulder. I'd say 99.9% of our husbands, partners and spouses were amazing people. Until they weren't.

As with many of our r'ships the instances of "something not quite right" start quietly, almost innocuously at first, a little confusing but nothing a bit of gaslighting won't smooth over to convince you " it's all okay"
Then when those moments of doubt become "wait a minute... This just feels wrong!" you have to now untangle all those feelings of love and commitment from the confusion and cover-ups that have been hiding it all.

It will take time. We're here to answer your questions. You will get through this. You will be stronger

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 25, 2022 2:51 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 25, 2022 5:29 pm  #3


Re: Seeking support

I understand your fear and the pain of this. My spouse came out over a year ago as trans. At first they identified as non-binary, but pretty quickly that shifted to identifying as a woman. Every trans persons' path is different, but I think that any solution to this situation that relies on trying to further repress it, or convert it, will fail, and do a lot of harm to all parties involved.  I'm a straight cis woman. I knew immediately that my spouse and I could not make it work since I am not attracted to woman with the same intensity that I am to men.  I knew this at my core, but fear and denial are powerful motivators.  Maybe I needed to see the transition start for it to become undeniably real...maybe I was just in shock. I spent those months trying to figure out if I could make it work as the transition amped up at a very fast pace. But I needed to come to terms with myself, what I already knew and hated myself for knowing because it would mean the end. It was insanely difficult for me to allow myself to leave and start over -- in part because I didn't instigate any of this. I hadn't wanted our relationship to end, or change into the kind of relationship my ex spouse suddenly (to me it seemed) wanted. I had to let go of all those things I had wanted for us. But I didn't have to let go of everything I wanted for myself. You don't have to do that either. Its super fucking hard to let go and move on. I'm not that far into this process. It's been 6 months since I moved out and got an apartment of my own. But choosing yourself is possible, even when it feels terrifying. You can't and shouldn't control your spouse's gender or sexual identity. And they cant and shouldn't control yours. I wanted our relationship to work so bad I was almost willing to talk myself into staying in something I knew wasn't right for myself. If I had done that it would have destroyed me. And the truth is, both my spouse and I deserve to be in relationships that suit us and fulfill us in all the ways we need and want. I deserve better than to settle for something that isn't right for me. Figuring out why I was so willing to settle is a process of discover that I've been navigating since the split. It's hard to let go, but I am really glad I left the relationship 6 months ago. Once I did, a lot of the fear and anxiety I had been dealing with lifted...of course not all of it. But I was surprised how that act of owning what I want and what I DON'T want, and acting on my own intuition was a really important first step in taking my life back. 

 

July 25, 2022 5:47 pm  #4


Re: Seeking support

I realize I didn't give any advice after my rant...basically...listen to your instincts about what YOU want and need. It was really hard for me to separate myself from my spouse's gender journey. We had had a very close, supportive, loving relationship. Best friends and all that. They were an attentive and active lover. But then they became very depressed. It lasted and lasted. I used to fear that I would come home to find they had taken their life. By the time they came out, I was so focused on being a supportive partner that I lost track of myself in the call to be there for them in this process. I was really worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, of what the effect of rejection would be on them at this time. I felt guilty about knowing that it wasn't right for me, and fear about what it would mean to end it. I understand wanting to support your spouse at all costs...but it's not helping anyone if you feel that you must sacrifice or deny parts of who you are to make it work between you. If this whole mess is about anything at all its about being true to ourselves.

 

July 26, 2022 6:58 am  #5


Re: Seeking support

Welcome FindingOurWay,

Its hard so don't bear yourself up.   These spouses dont realize the hurt they cause ...that their are no takebacks to their words and actions.     Many of have seen our spouses reach the point where the hurt they cause does not matter to them.     Start building a support system so you can deal with whatever your husband decides next...     Know that you did nothing wrong and deserve support.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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