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March 26, 2022 8:08 pm  #1

"I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

Several months ago, my long term boyfriend suddenly out of nowhere said "he loves me but isn't in love with me" and I don't know if he was trying to say that he was gay.  He never explicitly said that he was questioning his sexuality or came out as gay.  To my knowledge, he still isn't "out" since the break up several months ago.  Typically, when closeted gay boyfriends/husbands break up with their female partners, do they come out right then and there as their reasoning or do they say something like this?  I've tried to do more research on this and I've found that a lot of times the closeted gay partner won't be the one to end things, but rather the straight partner will suspect or find confirmation about them being gay and then end things.  And other times, the closeted gay partner comes out right then and there to their straight partner.  What do you guys think this phrase means in my context?

A little bit of background/red flags:
- history of unexplained depression
- very bad mood swings
- wanting to be alone
- very keen on appearance and clothes
- did not orgasm during sex with a condom but rather hand jobs/blow jobs only

Thanks for the help.


March 27, 2022 8:30 am  #2

Re: "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

My gay ex boyfriend would not admit his sexuality even when I confronted him. I hope that your ex will tell you the truth. Please know that I am holding a good thought for you.


March 27, 2022 9:35 am  #3

Re: "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

From what I've seen here over the years, there's an entire range of reactions. Total denial is at one end, admission at the other. In between there are many other variations. I think it's important to not place much importance on what someone says. What they do is what matters. In your case, my thought is that he loved what you brought to the relationship. That could be any combination from your personality, attitude or that you provided a cover of 'normalcy' for him to hide behind. The other type of love, the desire, wrapping two lives around each other into one, that's not there. He will always have this section of his life that will be a closed door to you. What goes on behind that door you may only ever find out by accident.

Please remember, this is all speculation on my part. I would also suggest you try to detach yourself from him. The chances of finding out the truth are slim and will just hold you back. There's value in the statement, "Whatever he is, isn't for me." Don't get trapped trying to figure out a puzzle in which he is hiding half the pieces. It's also not good to demand certainty before making choices. That's a recipe for stalemate. Very little in life comes with certainty. In your case, I think it's fairly certain that his behaviour is not likely to change much. Is there a risk to moving on? Yes, but there's also the chance for great reward. Trust your instincts. Be well.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

March 27, 2022 2:38 pm  #4

Re: "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

"I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

this may mean he loves the life and times he has with you, the safety that having you as a cover to hide who he really is affords him. He loves you on the outside of him but on the inside all the love he has is for the person he really is. 
I dunno Carnation...there's a switch that has to turn on in your head and heart that makes you see yourself  as the important one in this equation, not him, and has you thinking about what you want, your expectations of love, your expectations of a partner. 

Do you sometimes feel superfluous in your r'ship?...like he'd be fine without you if you suddenly weren't there?



KIA KAHA                       

March 28, 2022 8:04 am  #5

Re: "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

In my opinion, no gay man or lesbian woman can be in love or even love a straight person  in a romantic way.. It is not possible. I will continue to hold a good thought for you.


July 25, 2022 4:55 am  #6

Re: "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

Je suis mariée depuis 40 ans, j'ai deux grands enfants adorables, mais dernièrement j'ai vu sur l'historique de mon mari  qu'il cherchait des sites pornos gay, je lui ai demandé si je ne lui plaisais plus, et il a nié, mais j'ai oublié de vous dire que depuis 25 ans nous ne faisions plus l'amour, suite à une anomalie, qu'il ne sait toujours pas expliquée, mais il ne veut pas consulté de sexologue. J'ai depuis cette découverte le sentiment étrange qu'il me trompe, mais je n'ai aucune preuve et lorsque je  pose des questions il les élude et s'en sort toujours bien, 
Quelles questions posées pour savoir la vérité ,


July 25, 2022 9:01 am  #7

Re: "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you"

Bonjour Marie, j'ai utilisé un site Web pour traduire et j'espère que cela se concrétisera, tel qu'écrit en anglais. Certains de nos conjoints ne révéleront jamais la vérité. Si votre voix intérieure vous dit que quelque chose ne va pas, faites-lui confiance. Il vous faudra être très observateur. Je doute que vous obteniez une réponse honnête. Si vous commencez à poser des questions sur ses activités, il peut commencer à brouiller les pistes. La recherche de porno gay est une source de préoccupation, surtout si vous êtes dans un mariage asexué.

Je ne sais pas si nous avons d'autres francophones ici. Sinon, espérons que les traducteurs feront bien leur travail.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

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