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July 23, 2022 7:07 pm  #1


He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

My husband is starting therapy to see if he is indeed trans, gender fluid, or "just" a crossdresser.
He's been an angel for several weeks. I said it was fine to Xdress whenever, and that he had no need for the sissy porn of being forced to xdress because I was giving him free way to do it whenever. Since then he hasn't once.
He heard me tell my x sister in law I had put in for Sr housing because he and I were not doing well and I thought I'd be moving when one came available. So now is that odd honeymoon period we speak of here. Helping around the house, being the husband I wanted for the past 21 yrs we've lived together. Remembered my birthday for the 1st time in 8 yrs. Saying everything is going to be alright now. 
He has found a therapist. I set him up on his pc to use a camera and headset (I'm tech support here). 
He starts with her on Thursday.
So, while I am the one who said this needed to happen now I find myself wishing things could stay just like this. I know, deep inside, that once he starts really examining himself it will be the beginning of the end. And that even without therapy, at some point his other side will win out. But I need to stay strong, let him figure out his truth and live with accepting what comes.
But I'll be honest, this little period of peace was awfully nice.
At least I'll have that if it all comes crashing down.
 

 

July 24, 2022 1:52 am  #2


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

I'm glad he is seeing someone and I selfishly am more happy for you than him.  It seems like you've scared him, he saw you making moves to leave him so he's trying to head it off. 

No matter what you decide, to stay or go, needs to be 100% what you want.  Even if my husband came to me tomorrow and said he was wrong and actually wasn't gay and wanted things to go back to how they'd been...the ship has sailed. Decades of lying, the brutal betrayal, the heartbreak, and what is one of my biggest issues, how he has treated me since his revelation.  No amount of housework will ever make that up.

Maybe have him ask if his therapist thinks that joint sessions would be of any help for you guys as well.  I know everyone has had mixed results but having a safe place to confront him about some particularly hurtful issues has been helpful for me.  Even if there isn't the resolution I want.

Hugs

 

July 24, 2022 8:33 am  #3


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

When my husband came out as bi 2 years ago, one of the conditions was that he go to counselling to sort everything out. He had been having this phase where he felt "out of sorts" and like something was missing. This resulted in him blurting it out one day. 

My condition of staying was that he figure out what exactly was going on and confirm with himself where he stood. I told him flat out that I was concerned he was going to one day decide nope, not bi, but actually gay and then leave.

He went to therapy. Apparently confirmed himself. Then came back and "re-committed" to the marriage. Things were hard, but I genuinely thought they were working. I had no idea what was to come. It took me 2 years to decide I could trust him again. I finally put myself 100% back into the marriage and relaxed. I was happy. Ironically, about 2 weeks later he blurted out he was gay and wants a divorce.

That is the part I don't think I can ever forgive. Because after the fact it came out that he was actually unsure that whole time. Questioning. On and on. He never once shared this. He never let me in. And then he unilaterally made a decision to destroy me and my life.

That is my word of caution regarding therapy and what not. He may or may not sort things out but please take the time in all this to think about what YOU want. Don't be like me and just wait around for the other person to "figure themselves out" and make decisions for you. Know your own terms and limits because it can very quickly turn into a mind f**k.

Last edited by Anon2222 (July 24, 2022 8:36 am)

 

July 24, 2022 3:45 pm  #4


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

You say you will have to "live with accepting what comes," but given that you know that even though he may be repressing his urges now he continues to have them, and that they will again emerge, maybe you might also think about you, and what your course of action should be.  To act, that is, rather than react. 

 

July 24, 2022 6:27 pm  #5


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

You say you will have to "live with accepting what comes," but given that you know that even though he may be repressing his urges now he continues to have them, and that they will again emerge, maybe you might also think about you, and what your course of action should be.  To act, that is, rather than react. 

I have a plan. It's not a fun plan by any means. I'd be living in low income senior housing. If my car dies I'll never be able to get another one. Money will be that tight. I'd most likely qualify for food stamps. So I'm hoping that whatever happens we can manage to live together in some sort of roommate way. If we were younger it would be different. It was different my first time around when my first husband came out as gay when he was 22. But we're old. Sex doesn't matter to me, so I'm hoping  we can make it work so I won't be a burden on my kids...
 

     Thread Starter
 

July 24, 2022 8:27 pm  #6


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

Grace, 
Please see a lawyer to understand both your rights and obligations under the law.  If your spouse goes into debt for feminization procedures--surgery, hormones--you may be on the hook for that debt.  You need to be able to figure out how to protect yourself.

 

July 24, 2022 11:38 pm  #7


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

I agree to talk to an attorney.  Even though we are supposed to have an uncontested divorce I'm still going to talk to one.  Because I don't know what he's hiding from me.  I discovered he's been hiding money for who knows how long in a cash app.  He's insanely protective of getting the mail.  Like he makes sure to be the one to get it as soon as it comes (which him going back to the office will be intersting).  Gets delivereies as soon as they arrive.  He think's I'm dumb or something but I've seen the boxes and googled where they've come from.  I personally think he's on steroids based on some of the side effects I've observed.    But Like OutofHisCLoset said I'm making sure I won't be on the hook for anything he's done.  this also goes into me checking our bank and credit card statements for things that he is supposed to be paying for himself now and isn't.

You are 100% right in looking for things that work for your budget.

I don't know your age but I assume if you can apply for senior housing you are older.  Check with your state for elder care options and protections.  My father had Alzheimers and they got us in contact with an attorney that helped us get on all the programs we could for financial support and sorted out things like power of attorney and his will.  LIke one of your kids should have POA now, not your husband.  I need to change my order up on mine and move my sister to first position.  

We never want to be a burden on our children but there is a difference between being a burden and letting them help you.  This is something I have had to work very hard on with all my medical issues.  I feel guitly that I can't do what I used to do with and for them...but I'm still here with them and we are adapting and that is what is important.  !hen things were so difficult with my dad my siblings and I were helping to pay for his care when he needed to go to a memory care center.  Not just for him but for my mom as he had progressed to a point where she could no longer care for him. We purchased a house with a Mother in Law Suite that my husband lives in now because I was prepared for my mom to need a place to go.  Is it possible to stay with one of them in order to save up money and really take your time to find the right place.

If you have medicare it does cover assisted and more independant living facilities as well and that might be an avenue worth checking on.  Again, I know this from my dad but there were very limited locations.  But also doing the math in what some of these places cover vs you paying it yourself out of pocket. IE it covers rent, utilities, food, internet, cable, cleaning...

A big concern I am working to avoid is making sure I'm not forced into a housing decision that isn't right.  I thought I was in my forever home and he torched that idea so now I'm looking for my new forever home.  It needs to have everything I will need and where I need it that is best for me and the kids.  In my area that is a very small bubble to play in.  I have to be ready to move yet willing to wait and our Financial Advisor set me onto a path that will eliminate our shared debt so I will be able to have a bit of a fresh start financially and allow more for me to save. 

Make some calls, talk to a lawyer, and the kids that way you have access to all the support you need and that might include financial.  Maybe one of the kids will surprise you and tell you to come with them or that they will help make sure you are someplace safe.  

 

July 25, 2022 11:43 am  #8


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

AG103:
   Yes, please see an attorney.  When you're dealing with legal matters, it's smart to hire someone who knows the law.  And when you're dealing with a double-dealing spouse who has already demonstrated just how selfish and self-centered and entitled he is, it's the better part of wisdom not to trust he will be fair.  At the very least, have a lawyer look over your settlement to ensure you're getting a fair deal before you file it with the court.

 

July 25, 2022 2:22 pm  #9


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

Agl03 wrote:

...A big concern I am working to avoid is making sure I'm not forced into a housing decision that isn't right.....  

 
Yip...this.


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 26, 2022 5:58 pm  #10


Re: He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Grace, 
Please see a lawyer to understand both your rights and obligations under the law.  If your spouse goes into debt for feminization procedures--surgery, hormones--you may be on the hook for that debt.  You need to be able to figure out how to protect yourself.

I appreciate your advice. It's impossible for him to feminize. No doctor in the world would consider it due to his heart issues. He's 70 yrs old, that time is past. Also, his body type just does not lend itself to it, at all. if he decides he is trans it will consist of living as a woman inside our home and expecting me to accept him as her. 
My biggest fear is that through therapy he might find out he is indeed gay, or I suppose female and straight? It gets confusing.
Time will tell.

 

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