OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- FeelingStuck
- New member
Offline
New to this and HATING it
Hi all,
First off, obligatory apology for a long post. This is my first time posting here as I didn’t know my wife of 5 years was lesbian until last week. The last few days have been a roller coaster to say the least. For a little bit of background, we both are in our mid-twenties and have a toddler together. We also both left our religion, a fundamentalist Christian organization, within the last year. The religion is anti-LGBT which very likely contributed to my wife suppressing her sexuality her whole life until now. Our sex life when we first married was difficult--similar to many of the experiences I have read here--with me being the primary initiator and often being rejected. In the past couple years this has changed with both of us equally initiating and enjoying sex together. That being said, her coming out to me felt like a missing puzzle piece coming into place, making sense of a lot of childhood/adolescent experiences she has had as well as marital experiences we have shared. She had previously told me she was bisexual at the beginning of 2022 and I did not think much of it. I had thought that as long as she was attracted to men and me, it wouldn’t change anything. When she told me recently that she is realizing she is lesbian and not bisexual and that she has never been physically attracted to me or any man, that is when reality set in. She has told me that she wants to remain married and continue with our relationship as it is (sex and all). She even said she would not explore her sexuality through casual dating of women (a recommendation I had made to help her be sure she really is lesbian) if it meant it would jeopardize our marriage.
I have read a bit about other’s experiences and understand that a honeymoon phase is common where things temporarily return to what they were while the non-straight spouse was in the closet. I am just hurt and afraid. I am afraid to relegate her to a relationship where she is not attracted to her partner and myself to a relationship where I do not feel attractive. On the one hand, we have built such a good family and relationship together. We have navigated huge roadblocks such as a faith change that initially was unilateral and a move from traditional gender roles to an egalitarian partnership. On the other hand, this feels different than what we have navigated before. I don’t want to fall into the trap of believing everything is going to go back to normal and believing that she could be content staying together after discovering this whole other side of her identity. I would sure have a hell of a time doing it!
She has tried to initiate sex since her disclosure, but it is like a switch has flipped for me. I appreciate the gesture but knowing that the sexual attraction only goes one way makes it feel more like an exchange or a favor than a mutually enjoyable activity. I have tried to take things slow and say, “We don’t have to decide that right now.” No options seems good right now, whether they be a marriage on paper only, a separation, a mixed orientation marriage, or an open relationship. We are best friends and the thought of staying together for a while just to have time to adjust to the shock does sound comforting. I don’t really know what I am asking. This isn’t a situation where I feel tricked by a closeted partner because she found out she was lesbian only briefly before disclosing. I don’t feel betrayed and there was no infidelity. I don’t know how I feel, and I don’t know what to do.
-FeelingStuck
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: New to this and HATING it
Communication is the key to everything. I think taking some time to adjust and reflect is a good choice for right now. The only person here that I can think of that is in a similar place as you would be Dutchman. He's posted in the MOM section of this forum (Mixed Orientation Marriage if you're new to some of the acronyms). You might find it helpful to read some of his postings on how he and his lesbian wife fared.
edit - this is a link to his first post -
Last edited by Daryl (July 21, 2022 5:43 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: New to this and HATING it
Deleted
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 21, 2022 11:00 pm)
- Agl03
- Member
Offline
Re: New to this and HATING it
Feeling Stuck-
It does indeed suck. I know very well that Honeymoon period you speak of. Though mine was realatively short, 24 hours. What kicked me out of it is I had an absolute meltdown while he was at the gym. I needed to talk to him and texted him to come home right away, that I wasn't okay, that I was scared, and we needed to talk. His response, "Soon". The gym is 15 minutes away and he didn't show up until 90 minutes later. It was a few days later he let slip why he he didn't come home right away. He was too busy consoling his upset friend. And that told me everything I needed to know about where his priorities lie.
I suggest finding yourself a counselor, someone you can talk too and I know some do joint sessions with their spouses. I am one of those and our focus is working to a divorce with Dignity and it offers a safe place to bring up some more touchy topics.
We also separated our bedrooms within a few weeks at the direction of my doctors and mental health team. This gives us each our own space but we are still in the family home. Now he is more of a roommate than my husband and I operate for the most part as a single parent.
For me our marriage ended the second he came out. He had lied to me for over 2 decades. Betrayed my trust. And hadn't wanted sex with me in over 10 years.
Only you can decide what is best for you. For me, for us, its separation then divorce. I don't want to see him dating others, starting a new life with someone else, paying credit cards with gifts he didn't buy for me.
We also know we have to go slow but slow doesn't mean to not be informed. I have made sure to familiarize myself with my rights, talked to our financial advisor, set up my own bank account, set up a new family budget with allowances, started watching zillow to get an idea of what is out there and how much I will need to have money wise. My priortiy right now is making sure myself and our kids are taken care of. His lie in starting to day and getting to life this life he's always wanted to lead.
- Anon2222
- Member
Offline
Re: New to this and HATING it
"What kicked me out of it is I had an absolute meltdown while he was at the gym. I needed to talk to him and texted him to come home right away, that I wasn't okay, that I was scared, and we needed to talk. His response, "Soon". "
This literally just happened to me. Yesterday I had a complete break down. It was just all too much and I needed help. I had a complete meltdown via text message with him and said I needed him to come home from work. That I needed help. Bad. His response....work was too busy. So, he finished work. And then he went out for dinner with his sister. Stupid me brought it up a second time....his response "it's not my fault I had plans already". I asked for help at 1 pm. He came home at 9 pm. That was one of the darkest days of my life. I told him that I didn't think it was appropriate that he come home for the night as I needed space. He said too bad and did it anyway. When I broke down again...he said he "didn't realize it was so serious" and then started grilling me on what happened, why was it bad, how was he supposed to know how bad it was....it was hell.
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: New to this and HATING it
It's not uncommon for our newly out spouses to want to keep one foot in the marriage while stepping out into their new selves and lives. They are hesitant to give up their safe and secure lives, and the support of a spouse and family. At the same time, we, grappling with news we don't want to hear, knowledge we don't want, a desperate wish for our lives not to change, and the hurt of knowing our spouses do not love us as we wish they did and thought they did, often wish to cling to any semblance of hope our marriages can continue.
The truth is that after disclosure things can never be the same, either for her or you. I give you a lot of credit for being able to perceive that her disclosure changes your own perception of her, you, and your marriage, that "a switch has flipped." You don't want a wife who has sex with you as "an exchange or a favor."
It sounds to me as if when you weigh the alternatives to divorce, none of them--"marriage on paper only, a separation, a mixed orientation marriage, or an open relationship"--sits well with you. Divorce is hard to contemplate, but the change in your wife and in your marriage may mean it is the best option. Just because your wife didn't deceive or betray you doesn't mean that you shouldn't divorce. For a marriage to work, both parties have to be available and present, and lots of people have had to divorce because alcoholism, drug addiction, or mental illness mean their spouses are simply not able to participate in the marriage and hold up their end of the bargain.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 22, 2022 9:51 am)
- Agl03
- Member
Offline
Re: New to this and HATING it
I'm sorry he did that to you 8 hours is absolutely terrible! No Excuse. And when he ignored you and still came home, I'm just sending hugs. I am glad you let him see how much it hurt you it does us no good to hide it. They can not see past themselves and their new lives right now. They are the hero of their own story. They are also much farther down the path of processing this mess. They have already gone through the phases they are gong to go through. Even when I bring up him hurting me like that in therapy sessions he dismisses his actions, even with the therapist prodding him and explaining to him that his actions were wrong.
When mine did that to me is when it got into my head that he is already long gone. All his talk of going slow, keeping the staus quo, he'll still be here, and not much has to change was just more lies or delustion. Because like OutofHisCLoset said, they may be out they aren't ready to give up that connection to home. Both the physical location and in us. My therapist said that I have been in his life for so long, I am his constant, where I am is home where its safe and comfortable.
I promised myself to never ask him to do anything and on bad medical days I've slipped and most of the time he either ignores or won't do what I ask. This is big and little things. I am adjusting to managing the house and the chores to me and the kids. Yes, he still takes out the trash and might unload the dishwasher when he needs plates, but he hasn't cleaned anything outside of his rooms since he came out except the kitchen once and that was with our daughter pushing him to do it with her becuase she knew I was exhausted.
This has come with an incredibly heavy price. My body can not handle all the work, I completely understand chronic pain and overwhelming fatigue to the point you can not move.. What I did today landed me in bed on my oxygen for the rest of the day. There are days I can not take some of my medications for pain or anxiety because the kids are sick or errands need to be run. And it hurts so bad that he knows those limits, he knows I'm in horrible pain, he knows I'm struggling to breath....and he just doesn't care to help out or care that he is leaving me to handle it all alone.
Just keep doing what you can and taking it slow. I know it sounds harsh but knowing where he is at now and where I am in his list of priorites has helped me in moving forward.