Kathy... It's a tough road we walk. Many a straightspouse has walked it before you, many will walk it after you,

We're here to listen, give you advice, make you calm, help you become strong and see your way to a better life

For every question there's an answer

Elle

Thank you. My journey is just beginning (2 months). I am lost at the moment.

Face
Everything
And
Recover

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

We do this TOGETHER, helping each other. Inch by inch, step by step. You can too.

"The steps you take don't have to be big, they just need to take you in the right direction,"

FEAR is normal
FEAR is okay
FEAR is absolutely valid. 

I am scared as hell too.  I never ever thought I would be in this position.  Never dreamed that I'd be looking at being a disabled single parent going into this stage of my life.  I never imagined that I would have to start over.  That my Happily Ever After I though I had was all a lie and had been for years.  

How I cope with being scared is I do what I can to take control of the situation.  I'm at the 4 month mark and I realized very quickly that his and my priorities were completely different.  I can't control the lies and the choices he's made or is making now.  What I can control is what impacts me and my children and I'm learning what I will need to do to make sure myself and them are taken care of. I am doing research, seeing counselors, talking to financial advisors, and getting things set up for when the rest of the dominos need to fall.  

I recently reached out to an old friend who specializes in betrayal counseling for additonal help and support.  Because we have been betrayed by the person who we trusted most in this world.  and yes, that hurts each and every minute of every day.  It will take time to recover and trust again.  But I know from my friend...there is a light at the end.  While the scars run deep you will eventually be at a place where its not consuming everything.  

For now my Happily Ever After looks different than it did 4 months ago.  And in another 4 months it could look different again.  

Tackle those fears and take out their teeth, knowing some need more work than others.  I have been going through many of these as well and just jotted down a few things that I've done with them.  

Fear of what’s next:  Take it one day at a time.  And ask yourself what do YOU want for yourself next.  

Fear of not surviving:  This could just be me being a stubborn as hell person here but I haven't survived what I have survived to let this be the thing that does me in. 

Fear of getting stuck:  This is a fear I face daily.  Because the process is going to take so long.  I don't want to get stuck in waiting for him to do something or as I am now waiting for other pieces to fall into place.  I'm driving this bus as much as I can but have to tell myself there will be detors and pit stops along the way that will take time to get through.

Fear of sex:  I have been in a sexless marriage for over a decade.  While he was hiding his secret and had no interest in having sex with me he didn't say that, worse he said nothing.  I tried to talk and have him go to the doctor but he would never follow through.  So I blamed myself for him not wanting me anymore.  I thought I gained too much weight after kids/medical trauma, was too ugly, broken, sick, undesirable.  Completely ruined my self esteem and heavily contributed to my body dysmorphia and eating disorder, because the harder I tried to spark an interest the more it hurt when there was no response.  I eventually gave up.  Even knowing what I know now about him being gay I often vocalize "who would want me?"  because of so many years of rejection.  Should this ever be something I have an option for in my life again I know I'll need to work through it in therapy first.

Fear of not knowing how to do ______:  This one is huge for me too.  he had his jobs I had mine in the house and because of my medical stuff there are things that I just didn't do.  Now, I'm going to have to do it because he won't be here.   Me and YouTube/Google have become very good friends the last few months since I don't dare ask him to do a dang thing.  I'm learning how to caulk a tub right now.  And if I can't figure it out I'll call someone who knows how to do it.  

Fear of being the bad guy here:  You are not the bad guy.  You are the one who was lied too.  You are not the one who has made this sudden change to your relationship.  Never, ever, will be taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and finacially be the "bad guy".  And I know they will try to gaslight but again, it was their choices and actions that led to this, not yours.  He has tried it with me a few times.  FIrst in me not emotionally and phycially supporting him with his hobby I hate.  Then in me not you know doing things like taking care of gifts for his family.  Finally, the "how am I going to afford a place of my own" messed me up real good for a bit.  I was obsessing with how are we going to afford two places.  But the thing is WE don't have to afford two places.  I will have what I am allotted for child support and in the divorce and he will have his.  It is not my responsiblity to find him a place that works with his new budget.  His likely lower budget is not me being the bad guy either. That is a consequence of his actions.. 

Fear of always having to explain:  You don't have to explain  You can tell who you want what you want.  People who are truly your friends will understand and be content with what you are willing to share.  

Fear of being alone:  You are never alone.  You have a community here who is ready to support you in anyway they can.  Be it to vent, ask questions, or to give your own advice for those who will follow us down this bumpy road.  Find your local network too.  find your friends, your family, and those who have your back.  And a good counselor has helped me more than words can ever describe.  

We are all here for you.