If you don't mind I just want to follow up my previous posts by saying that for a lot of straight people having a spouse or partner question their sexual orientation is a big deal... a HUGE deal in fact.

Sorry... but the notion that one could have an honest, casual chat with your straight spouse about your sexual orientation and it won't have a significant impact on your STRAIGHT relationship just seems very naive to me.

I think that for people who are quite accustomed to sliding up and down the Kinsey Scale having a 'fluid' sexual orientation is no big deal. They see it as no big deal in themselves and they see it as no big deal in their partners. All I can tell you is that rightly or wrongly - for a STRAIGHT person - it IS a big deal.

OF COURSE a straight spouse is gonna say "I wish you'd told me earlier". Hell... In my case I wish she'd told me 20 years earlier. 

I'll say it again just to be crystal clear. I'm not advocating that anyone stay in a closet or be dishonest. I'm just making the point that one doesn't just casually tell a straight spouse that you think you might not be straight. I'm saying think A LOT before you make such an admission. Make sure what you are saying is true because there's no taking it back. The gay genie is not easy to put back in the bottle.

Steve wrote:

If you don't mind I just want to follow up my previous posts by saying that for a lot of straight people having a spouse or partner question their sexual orientation is a big deal... a HUGE deal in fact.

Yes.  I'm in a life partnership with another gay man.  We've been together for years.  I'm imagining if he said to me one day, "Jeff, I have to tell you that I've always found women's bodies more of a turn on than men's bodies.  I'm questioning whether or not I might be straight."

If he said that, my world would shatter.  It would be like being punched in the stomach.  I'd probably have insomnia for months.  It would be awful.

Steve wrote:

I think that for people who are quite accustomed to sliding up and down the Kinsey Scale having a 'fluid' sexual orientation is no big deal. They see it as no big deal in themselves and they see it as no big deal in their partners. All I can tell you is that rightly or wrongly - for a STRAIGHT person - it IS a big deal.

Speaking only for myself as a gay man, if my partner started questioning his sexuality, it would be huge and extremely traumatic.  It would mean that I could lose him.  And I'd also start to wonder if he had ever been truly into me at all.

You guys have been through hell on earth.

After having imagined that painful scenario, I now completely agree with you that Justme needs to be totally sure before talking with her husband.  The problem is, she's already said something to him.  I wonder how she can make this better for him going forward.

 

Last edited by Jeff W (November 1, 2016 10:36 pm)

Justme is questioning her sexuality.  Either her husband is deep in the closet and gas-lighting her into thinking she's a lesbian (I know a couple like that) or she's for real.  I believe her.  I believe she is gay with a straight spouse.  and it's bubbled to the surface with the birth of their child.

There's no good time to tell her husband that.  Never going to be one.  Just worse or even worser times.  Ask any of the straight husbands here - any of them saying I wish she'd waited another few years?  No we all say we wish they'd told us sooner.

I agree about honesty in a marriage.  if she tells him and then realises it was all a bad dream and she really is straight then I don't see the problem.  if she's straight she's straight and she'll be able to reassure her partner and put their marriage on an even keel.  If she's not then how long does she keep trying to make him happy, particularly when so many of us are saying the pain is only going to build the longer it goes.  

To my mind it doesn't make sense on any level not to talk with him.  what is there to fear?  if he reacts in horror at the words might be gay and runs a mile without giving his wife a fair hearing, well then she might as well find that out now too.  not likely tho is it.

I wish them the best, I liked Justme.

Hi everyone. I am still here, still reading and figuring out how to respond. Thank you very much.

Thanks everyone. I have been processing your replies and my thoughts and feelings in general. I hope you don't feel like I am intruding on your board by creating a post like this. I know this is a board for straight spouses and not for "coming out"-support.

The people who are suggesting waiting to talk to him until I am more certain have a point, I think. We have been going trough some things - relationship problems, post partum depression - and all the doubt about sexual orientation has gotten worse during that time. The doesn't mean it's not valid, but it is just hard to separate from all the other stuff right now.

"Again it appears that you and your husband enjoy a great sex life so perhaps you fall somewhere else on the sexual spectrum. I am 100% gay with zero attraction to women, the opposite of me would be 100% heterosexual, with bisexual people falling somewhere in the middle I reckon."

I actually feel pretty certain that I am not 100 % straight and not 100 % gay either. I just don't know what that means for our marriage, but I know I do not want it to end. Hearing stories about people who convinced themselves that they were just "somewhat bi" and then turned out to be 100 % gay like you scares me, because I don't want to put my family trough that. I wish there was a way to know for sure, but I don't think there is.

Steve, thank you for sharing. It sounds like maybe you think that your wife was wrong about being 100 % gay and attributed some psychological problems to her sexual orientation when it was really about something else? Or am I mistaken?

"If you find your attraction is not fleeting. If you find yourself falling in love with women or out of love with your husband then yeah... you definitely need to be honest with him. Until then I suggest you slow down, breathe, and don't rush into a decision you might later regret"

That's what I have been thinking, too. If I did not want to have sex with my husband, or if I was in love with someone else, I know I would need to end the marriage for everyone's sake. It is not the case, and I actually think I WANT things to stay the way they are, but I am afraid I am wasting his time. These things are hard to explain to someone like my husband who has always felt completely straight. It is hard to explain that you can have doubts about your sexuality when most people take it for granted. I think if I was really 100 gay it would not be so difficult to make sense of this. I have never really believed in bisexuality, but maybe I should start.

He is worried, and I did discuss it with him too early without really being sure what I was trying to tell him. He suggested therapy to figure everything out, and I agreed. My therapist is actually a gay woman living with her life partner. She seems to be convinced I am un-gay enough to work on the marriage. I want that, and I want to restore trust, but first I want to be sure, and it can be a long process. I don't know if it is better to share doubts with your spouse during this process. Probably not