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July 8, 2022 9:46 am  #1


Spouse with gender dysphoria

Hi.  I've been married for 29 years.  22 years ago, a year after our son was born, my husband realized that he had gender dysphoria and felt more comfortable as a woman.  He's not planning to transition but in the last 22 years, he's done more and more to become comfortable with himself (taking estrogen, shaving the hair from his body, painting his nails, growing his hair long, laser hair removal for his facial hair). And I feel like a newbie because I just started therapy for myself. I didn't know that groups like this existed and my faith makes it difficult for me to consider divorce.  I focused on raising our son and in the last 5 years started to take steps to feel better about myself (exercising, going out with friends, being who I was before this happened). But I don't know how to continue in this relationship.  I'm craving the intimacy that I've been denied for the last 20 years and this has made me question and doubt my attractiveness, desirability, identity - all the things that you talk about in the podcast episodes (that I'm listening to and catching up on now that I've found you).  

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm alone and that I have no options other than to stick this out.  I guess I would just like to know that I'm not alone and that this does not define me as a person and a woman.
 

 

July 8, 2022 10:54 am  #2


Re: Spouse with gender dysphoria

ldr10,

 You're not alone.  And no, your husband's actions, although they are affecting you in ways that devalue you covertly or overtly as a woman, do not define you as a woman.  

 And you do have other options than "to stick this out."  I divorced my husband of 36 years three years after he revealed he believed he was "a woman in a man's body."  I was 64 at the time.   If you have reached the stage of wanting to repair your self image and to seek the intimacy you've been denied, I think your next step should be to talk to a lawyer.  I know this is a huge step, and a hard one to take (it was for me, anyway), but you don't have to go into it with the attitude of "I'm divorcing him."  Go into it with the attitude of "I need some information so I can make informed choices about what steps I can take."  And don't tell you husband you're planning to do this.  

Post all you want.  Or private message me (and there are other women on this forum who have been in our situation.) 

Edited to add:
   The longer you are in an abusive situation (and that's what you're in), the more you are affected.  So you are a very strong person to have now reached the point at which you understand that you have a right to your own happiness, and the right to seek a partner who can be a real partner to you and give you the intimacy in marriage that marriage is supposed to give.  If you need to ease into the idea of seeing a lawyer, you can start by researching online the divorce laws in your state.  That can be a small step toward the larger one of consulting a lawyer in person.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 8, 2022 11:10 am)

 

July 8, 2022 5:21 pm  #3


Re: Spouse with gender dysphoria

Hi Idr,

when I reached the point of realising there was an alternative to sticking it out in our miserable marriage I did a rough sketch of the worse case scenario - what's the worst it could be financially, and I figured I had a doable option (move to Tasmania which was still cheap back then) and went ahead.  I second OOHC in saying don't talk to your husband about it - that is very good advice on so many levels.  Yes we do all understand that feeling of loss of a sense of your own attractiveness and good to hear you have already done so much to regain it.  An important part of that is no longer looking to your husband for validation - something you are now recognising has been sorely lacking.  well that's underplaying it - it's an assault on your femininity when your husband is wanting feminise himself rather than adoring it in you.

Last edited by lily (July 8, 2022 5:23 pm)

 

July 9, 2022 8:34 am  #4


Re: Spouse with gender dysphoria

Thank you both for your posts. They mean the world to me. I've been working on myself over the last 5 years to see myself the way others see me and to realize that I'm beautiful and desirable. It's an ongoing process and I'm so much stronger than before. But knowing that this network is here is a game changer for me right now.

Thank you for replying and that I'm not alone.

     Thread Starter
 

July 9, 2022 9:43 am  #5


Re: Spouse with gender dysphoria

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you as you navigate your way back to yourself and out of your husband's warped ideas about women (and himself as one).  Let me guess: as your husband has "feminized" himself over the years, it's all been about appearance and his body, but darned little about the female socialization we underwent, including the training to put ourselves last, to accommodate others, etc.  

 

July 9, 2022 2:47 pm  #6


Re: Spouse with gender dysphoria

Oh yeah, it's all about his appearance and feeling comfortable in his body. But I'm the one who raised our son, initiates all conversation and has put his comfort over my own.

And I'm the one being told that this happened 22 years ago and why can't I get over it.

     Thread Starter
 

July 9, 2022 6:55 pm  #7


Re: Spouse with gender dysphoria

Mine is so lazy, he just puts on the clothes and never bothers with a wig, makeup, or sometimes even shaving. (That one makes me roll my eyes) I've tried to explain that just putting on clothes and having fetishes about being a sissy maid does not necessarily make him gender dysphoric. Just, well, kinky and fetishy. He took 5 different quizzes online expecting them all to say he's gender dysphoric and they all, every one, came back as gender fluid. He hasn't xdressed since but for underwear and I think he's going through some things emotionally. I'm just leaving him be with it. He's shown no interest in seeing a therapist so there's not much I can do.
One generalization I can make so far, from my first GX to now this with my second husband (third long relationship) is that a selfish person stays a selfish person no matter their perceived gender or sexuality. A tiger just does not change their stripes in the end.

 

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