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June 28, 2022 8:27 pm  #1


A combo situation..all help is welcome.

Where do I start ? I met my husband 5 years ago, we married very quickly because I knew he was special and we were just in love. At least that's what I though. The beginning of our relationship it was rocky since he had problems drinking which then I found out he was a functioning alcoholic, who went to rehab later on. He had also had been battleing depression in which he had 2 episodes of suicidal events. The first  episode I found him in my backyard with his gun next to him and him unconsious from drinking.  The second episode he checked himself into the ER and got admitted into the psych ward and then rehab for alcohol and depression. At that time I was just having a hard time blaming myself for not seeing the signs of depression and alcoholism. He was also hiding his drinking and not sharing his struggles. However I decided to stay with him, and support him because I was his wife and I loved him. In regards of his sexuality, he shared at the beginning of our relationship that he had a sexual trauma when he was a child that pretty much caused his depression and Suicidal thoughts since he never received the help he needed. When we were intimate, he stated he wanted me to wear a strap on which at first found it kind of weird but I decided to try it because it was something he was interested on. When I wore the strap on, I felt very uncomfortable especially seeing my husband face in how he enjoy it and how sumisive he looked and acted. After that time , we never tried anything like that. He is a very sexual person, wanted to try things but I was still shy , but was learning new things at my own pace which I don't think he really liked. Our intimacy wasn't the greatest. We would be intimate 1 to 2 x per week , and his excuse would be that he was tired or not feeling or being too much into his head.  Fast forward to last year, we finally got marry through the church since I'm catholic and that was everything I looked forward to in many years, to be consagrated in front of God. Two months ago I found out he has been using cocaine, bringing people into my house. Having parties and getting high , with his so called friends. All of this was happening while i was away.  I decided to walked away from him and divorce him because he was lying to me about not using drugs once I came back but he was indeed using every day. At that moment when he was high, he told me he wanted a divorce, and that he wanted to have sex with whoever he wanted and that he was pansexual. I was devasted and moved out. Couple days later, he reached out and asked me to help him go to rehab , which I did because I still loved him and he needed me. He then stated he didn't want to get divorce  and wanted to work things out. Which I was willing to do. While in rehab he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, in which I been very supportive with. His time in rehab we would still talk about out future and going to therapy etc etc. I was very hopeful in my marriage after rehab. However 3 days ago, he tells me that he has been unfaithful to me since he met me, he has been paying for services,  such as prostitutes and massage parlors. He then states that he has much more clarity on his sexuality and that he wants a divorce and wants to live True life. Which is having a polygamy life, having sex with whoever he wants, he then tells me he is attracted to transgender women who have not fully transition. For him sex is fun and doesn't matter who is he having sex with as long as he have pleasure. He states he cares and loves me but cannot have a relationship with me because I'm holding him back from who he really is, and also I'm not the type he is really attracted to. I feel devasted, confused, manipulated and conflicted. I honestly don't know what to do next, I just want to hide under a rock and come out once everything is better. He is coming out of rehab in next couple of days and don't know what to do, whether I should move out until we figure things out with the divorce ,such as the house, bills, my doggie etc. I'm conflicted because even though he has done all these horrible things to me and have hurt me soo much, I feel for him. He has been struggling with this internal battle for so many years to the extend of ending his life multiple times and he wants to be free and true to himself finally  and I really don't know what I should do next , I was thinking about taking a month away going to my home country and rediscovering myself and doing things that brings happiness. However he states he wants to keep in touch and have some kind of friendship because I'm the only who knows all his struggles and he still needs a support system with the addiction and mental health part. I feel that if his sexuality was the only thing, it would be one thing but it is also the addiction part has affected me and the though of him ending his life scares me to death.
Any thoughts and advice on how i can proceed with the healing process or possibly setting boundaries with him would be appreciated. 

 

June 28, 2022 8:31 pm  #2


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

I'm sorry to say, but you cannot set boundaries with an addict, because whatever boundaries you set they will break.  The only thing you can do is to walk away.  You cannot bear his burden or make him well.  You cannot serve as a support system for him.  That is what his professional helpers are for.

The only way for you to "proceed with the healing process" is to get yourself far, far away and go no contact.  

 

June 28, 2022 9:14 pm  #3


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

Sofilu wrote:

.......I really don't know what I should do next , I was thinking about taking a month away going to my home country and rediscovering myself and doing things that brings happiness.... 

 

This. A break with time to think will be good for you. Go before he sucks the life out of you

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 28, 2022 10:54 pm  #4


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

Sounds like you did all a caring wife and human can do.  If professional rehab people cannot help his addictions there is no way you can.   You certainly cannot make him be straight.    We are not Gods or Supreme beings that can change them or fix them.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 29, 2022 8:09 am  #5


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

I second Ellexoh's advice about taking time away.  I did this, and it was useful.  It gets you out of the immediate fog of their making, which clears your head, and gives you a chance to get some perspective.

 

July 2, 2022 9:07 am  #6


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

While I agree with the others that time away would be helpful, it just seems like finishing the divorce now and then going to your home country would be better. I'm concerned with what he might do while you are gone that might get you into a situation (as in, if he were in jail) that would make getting a divorce all the harder.
I truly feel it's better to get legally done with him before you leave the country. Truly I wish you well. 

 

July 7, 2022 2:31 pm  #7


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.  It sounds so painful, and I think I have to agree with others here: you need to start by physically separating yourself from him.  

I would also strongly advise you to find a good therapist for yourself.  You talk about your husband's depression, but it's so clear from your post that you are also suffering from depression.  

You should also know that bipolar disorder is a very, very difficult thing to deal with.  A lot of the behaviors you're describing are actually symptoms of that disorder: depression, hyper-sexualized behavior, and also extreme alcoholism.  

We're all here for you.

 

July 9, 2022 12:38 pm  #8


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

Thank you for all the advice. I thought I could stay in the same household with him since we both didn't have a place to go but it has been very difficult to not let his behavior and attitude affect me. We decided to just do a legal separation for now since it's the quickest way to protect myself financially and also because I don't know how to proceed with the divorce. Sometimes he also makes statements such as "I'm sure I'm going to regret this and I'll be back to you" and confuses the heck out of me because I still love him and my self worth is down the drain. I decided to leave to my home country  after we both sign the separation agreement and get out of the fog I'm in right now.

     Thread Starter
 

July 9, 2022 1:55 pm  #9


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

Sofilu wrote:

....Sometimes he also makes statements such as "I'm sure I'm going to regret this and I'll be back to you" and confuses the heck out of me because I still love him and my self worth is down the drain. .....

Your self worth is down the drain because you love him and because he confuses you and keeps you unbalanced in your r'ship by telling you he's unsure about what he wants. His regret will be losing the closet that you provide.
As long as you love him your self worth will never recover.
Sofilu... You will have to see your own self worth as more important to your survival than the love for a man who doesn't seem to know what he wants

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 9, 2022 2:16 pm  #10


Re: A combo situation..all help is welcome.

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Last edited by Sofilu (July 9, 2022 2:16 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

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