OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Hit a Wall

Agl03 · July 4, 2022 12:15 am

Three months and counting. I'd been doing okay for the last couple of months but this week has just been miserable. I hit a wall and am exhausted and frustrated. I'm a person who likes to be in control and now I feel like I have none.

I want to move on, Separation Agreement and us moving apart. But that has stalled. My attempts are met with we can to take it slow. And that we should wait until we know about my disability before moving forward as to make the whole finance aspect easier. We also flat out can't afford two places right now.

As he's gotten comfortable with the new situation I feel worse mentally. Him being so happy because he's ruined what I though it had hurts so bad. I spent $20 on something and he totally flipped out, said I needed to consult him when making purchases from now on. It's so humiliating to have to go to him and ask if I can buy the kids new shorts. I do have my own bank account now but we still handle shared household expenses and expenses for the kids from our joint one. And by we its me. I have managed our finances for the entirety of our marriage.

I keep coming across things we'd planned to do that are now gone. Silly things like a little trip for my Birthday that I had been planning, thanks price alert emails. He doesn't want me to take the kids and go on it now, its a waste of money he says. I don't even want to have a birthday now, I just want to run away and hide. Pieces for a couples Halloween costume I'd stashed away that aren't going to be used now and just remind me of thing's we'd been planning for the future just months ago, when he full on was planning on making this confession, and just let me go on like a bomb wasn't going to be dropped.

Mentally has been a toll too. Being sick, nightly panic attacks (had them every night since he came out), increased stress, chronic pain flares, humiliation, frustration, and just so tired of being "so strong" all the time. I know that there is a long time to go before we get to the other side of this and it seems like an insurmountable task right now.

Ellexoh_nz · July 4, 2022 3:12 pm

The Mindfuck ebbs and flows Ag. Mountains and valleys. The only 'stable' you have to combat it with is your dogged, strong and determined internal strength, and I don't know you but even with your challenges your words read like you have bucketsful of it.
You have to catch the triggers he throws at you... the ones that make you grit your teeth and make your heart pump and stomach drop... and see them for what they are. Paper walls that look strong but are weak. Before the things he does and the words he says make you react see them for what they are...just another attempt to hold you back. It sounds like he's grasping for anything to demean you.
$20?...pffft

Elle

Rob · July 5, 2022 7:43 am

Agl03,

"..I spent $20 on something and he totally flipped out..."

Your post was quite triggering for me as Ive been on both sides of the financial destruction of the disloyal spouse. I'm replying with a diatribe that is probably not much help .

I flew her into rage when I called her out on spending some trivial amount (like your husband) on a Christmas or birthday gift for her girlfriend... while the family account was empty and I didn't recall gifting this girlfriend in the past. I felt remorse for this at being such a bad husband...of course you should be able to buy your girlfriend sex toys out of our family account.

She handled all finances and I was afraid to buy a cup of coffee .,.she essentially spent all money on the kids and our expenses and was angry at me why we had no money. But I could work no more hours. I was at a loss how I could help her and the kids.. Her solution was to have a gay affair.

The joint money was suddenly called (by her) "my money" because I earned and put it there.
This was suddenly financial abuse by me and was one reason why she had to have a gay affair. I was said to be the cause of her horrible life.

Divorcing there are no financial winners....they will try to act like its our fault whether we filed the divorce or they did... but the real reality is it is all them. They cheated and lied and broke the marriage vows.. they then try to pass the consequences of that onto us. I truly believe that deep in their bones they know they are at fault but have to unload the blame onto to us.. The consequences they created .nowhere is it more apparent then in the joint checking account that is for the family unit. When trust is broken and vows trampled on the family unit is trashed and by association the family checking account.

I say if its 20$ or something for the kids you are extremely justified in spending the money. You could win any debate and he knows it if its something for the kids. At the same time the kids suffer because there is not enough money for all the kids expenses...these spouses seem to have no problem with that and will be quick to blame us. BUT, this is not of your making...you/we did not lie for years and hurt.

There is an end , it will be somewhere in the future and with a good lawyer your husband should not legally walk away without obligations to the kids and you. But in the meantime ,what I did anyway, is maintain status quo the best I could knowing that the fiances mattered little as there was no family unit anymore. Key was to thank God for a lawyer to limit the gay financial blast radius.

Wishing you strength and stoicism.

Last edited by Rob (July 5, 2022 7:45 am)

Agl03 · July 5, 2022 4:25 pm

Rob,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. What she did to you was deplorable.

My bank account is now fully set up and when I go to make a purchase now I ask him if he is good with this being a family budget purchase or if I have to use my account for it. I can tell he's embarassed when I do it, especially if we are checking out in a store, but I don't care. He wanted to open that can of worms so this is what he gets. I screen shot the text where he had his initial consult me thing. I am also tracking things on the credit cards that are supposed to come out of his money now IE gym memberships, personal training,, special food for his diet, and the $120 he put on one of the cards to buy him and all his buddies lunch.

I am hopeful we are able to not have to go through the courts to get everything finalized but to be safe I'm making sure to have receipts.

I found out today he's considering moving to another state, he wants a fresh start, which my therapist said he'd likely do. It could also be a hint he's got someone in another state. But for me it blew my mind that he'd be willing to just leave the kids. For me that isn't even an option and I was prepared to flight like hell for them.

My plate was full even before this and now its all crashed in a mess on the floor. One day at a time is all I can do.

Rob · July 6, 2022 10:40 am

One day at a time for sure. My GX was shocked and awed what I would do for the kids.
If you think he'd leave the kids then go for full custody..he will change his tune on that when he realizes he must pay you more then.
Kids need a strong mom like you..draw strength from that because he is not thinking about them.

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July 4, 2022 12:15 am #1

Hit a Wall

July 4, 2022 3:12 pm #2

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July 5, 2022 7:43 am #3

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July 6, 2022 10:40 am #5

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