OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

July 2, 2022 9:15 am  #1

Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

Things were at least going along ok, tolerable since I can't leave right now, or maybe ever.
Then we're watching a show where there was a young person who came out as trans.
I said they seemed kind of young to even understand the concept and he said "I knew when I was 8".
Just like that. "I knew when I was 8."
I haven't brought it up again yet but I have to wonder...why has he spent most of his life being the macho male guy, with all the trappings thereof? Why did he not tell his first wife before they got married? Why not before he married me?
Has he been in the ultimate kind of denial for 62 yrs, or has he been so afraid to be alone that he pretended all this time? Or has he simply known who he is, and lied through his teeth?
I may never know since he hasn't called a single therapist in the last 3 weeks to even try to get in to talk to someone. 
Living alone in poverty is starting to look good. That s*cks. 


July 2, 2022 3:12 pm  #2

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

You're lucky. My partner doesn't talk about the Mindfuck at all. Ever. He's buried it, I don't know where his mind is, his thoughts are. I believe if he opened up about it I would have flat, stable place to ask questions and make decisions on. As it is it's a one way conversation with myself. Which means it's all moving at snail's pace.
Poverty sometimes looks 'okay'....then it doesn't...lol


KIA KAHA                       

July 3, 2022 8:00 am  #3

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

I can understand the difficult decision that both of your ladies have to make. I had to make the same decision that you are considering. I stayed for the extra income but after a year, my self esteem was more important and I left. I am very happily married now. Good luck to you both.


July 3, 2022 12:20 pm  #4

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

I may add that I joined this group a couple of years ago. I do not know anyone personally on here. I will never ever tell anyone to leave their spouse. I don't know your situation. I am holding a good thought for everyone in this group.


July 3, 2022 9:19 pm  #5

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

   My ex did the same thing, and in reading research I discovered it's a common thing for trans identifying men in later life, once they declare they are trans, to start working backwards through their life and remaking their history to say they "always knew" they were trans from they time they were 8 or 10 years old. 

My ex also started to enumerate grievances he had about the way he was treated by his mother as a child, reading into what were perfectly innocent statements or actions on her part until he had "proven" to himself that his mother had suppressed his transness.

 If you haven't read the research psychologist Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would Be Queen" you might find it enlightening as to your husband's behavior.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 3, 2022 9:19 pm)


July 3, 2022 11:12 pm  #6

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

I have to stay until I get a final decision on my Disability (at least a year out there).  My therapist cautioned me that even though in our first session after the confession I was all I can deal with taking our time to do it right that I wouldn't always feel that way, and she was right.  If I could separate households this second I would.  

I've seen the same thing with my husband though.  The longer he's out the longer the timeline of his questioning grows and with it the hurt he's causing me.  Because with every jump is an even longer time he's been lying to me.  He also knew that my self esteem was suffering with the lack of intimacy and literally said "see it wasn't because I thought you were ugly and fat so you don't have think that anymore".  You know totally wipes away over a decade of body dysmorphia, inset my eyeroll.

I also see the rewriting of history in making the narrative of him coming out more couragous.  Like yours, simple things that he now twists into something its not. He also comments how events see sees on the news impacts "his community" and goes off on tirades about it.

They literally can not see past their noses and I don't see that changing anytime soon.  I don't care to hear how long he's been questioning anymore because it only hurts me more and more and poisons more of our memories together.  I feel so used right now


July 4, 2022 2:23 pm  #7

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?


Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:17 pm)


July 5, 2022 8:15 am  #8

Re: Did he lie to himself, or to me for all those years?

It really scared me with whether my GX knew or didnt know. I would say she knew and just tried to bury the same sex attraction (ie.. take a vow before God and family to love a male till death do you apart) .  Then for her midlife crises to suddenly not be able to do it anymore..

But I say scared me because like you write...she tried to rewrite the past ...like if she takes a wedding photo down it didnt happen.   Like she is doctor who or a God and can rewrite the past..   But we have these kids you see that show in reality the past did happen.    The arrogance and entitlement is sick and scared me more than the gay.      Best we can do is get away from such false reality.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum