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June 24, 2022 10:03 pm  #1


He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

We're now three months out from the wreckage and stumbled into what is likely going to be our new normal.  But my issues is now, how long?

My fear is he's perfectly happy with how things are with our new normal and will keep it this way until he meets someone and he needs to move things along due to if/when he has a new partner.  He has his own space in the house.  Chooses when he wants to engage us.  Is back on his horrible diet so cooks just for himself (rarely does meals for anyone else.  I was sick all this week and my daughter made dinner for them most nights or they did sandwiches/cereal).  He only really goes out to the gym since he's still work from home.  

And I'm not happy living like this.  His presence is a continued reminder of the hurt and betrayal.  Him being around and not helping with things that literally put me in bed for days is beyond infuriating.  And I feel like its a ticking time bomb before he finds someone and he upends our lives again.  Then there is this weird double standard that even though we are still married its okay that he's out there looking but I've been cautioned by therapists and lawyers not to do anything like that until after an agreement is finalized.  

The biggest hiccups lie in our out of control housing market, a smaller more manageable house for me would have a higher mortgage than we have now. Plus other factors like moving kids during important years.  And I am still waiting to get a hearing for Disability.  My disability status will play a major role in how much support he will have to give and what I can afford.  My therapist said right out of the gate that I might want to move on the separate houses thing sooner rather than later and I totally see why.  

Outside of that he's become harder to engage when I try to discuss more things revolving around the separation stuff, brushing me off with we have time.   any tips for how to live like this.  I've been trying to treat it like room mates but when he only bothers to clean the three rooms he lives in (not the kitchen he uses) it gets hard.  I've stopped asking him for help, it only hurts worse when he says no.  I do plan on bringing this up in our next therapy session too.  

 

June 25, 2022 7:10 am  #2


Re: He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

So sorry you are going through this.  I can relate.  The same situation happened when my first ex (not gay) and I decided to divorce.  He was trying to get sole custody of our teenaged daughter.  My lawyer advised me do not leave under any circumstances and my husband refused to leave.  He delayed the divorce and we were together for almost two years under unbearable conditions.  I ended up on anti-anxiety medicine for years.  

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.  My lawyer told me that guys generally don't leave unless they have a honey who is badgering them to do so.  I coped by making believe he wasn't there and trying as hard as I could to cultivate outside interests.  Don't be mean but don't make things easier for him, either.  Keep telling yourself that someday this will be over, because it will.  

I am thinking of you and I wish you all the best.  

 

June 25, 2022 10:22 pm  #3


Re: He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

Thanks Leslie,  Yeah my therapist was along those lines as well.  they get a fire under them when they are motivated to do so.  

I bumped up our couples session just because I feel like there are issues, like division of chores, that need to be addressed sooner rather than later.  I'm so maxed out on my anxiety meds and I have panic attacks every single night.  My mental health was just starting to get better when he dropped the bomb on me.

I figure I'm going to have to be the one to force the issue with the actual separation of households at some point.  I can see why he doesn't want things to change especially when he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

for now I'll buckle down and do what needs to be done.  

     Thread Starter
 

June 26, 2022 2:32 pm  #4


Re: He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

Agl03,


I lived the house with my my cheating  GX for 2 years while we were divorcing
..think sitting in the same room for 5+ hours in silence without saying a word to each other. 
It certainly provided leverage for the divorce..ie. "you want me gone..sign the settlement".   It's hell on earth but I think if I moved out the divorce would have went on indefinitely.

It's a season.  A valley.  It cannot go on forever...there is an end..unknown, unseen but an end.

Wishing strength and fortitude..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 29, 2022 6:13 am  #5


Re: He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

Agl03 wrote:

I bumped up our couples session just because I feel like there are issues, like division of chores, that need to be addressed sooner rather than later.   

I may have an experience colored opinion, but going to "couples" therapy seems like asking for pain. You aren't a couple anymore. If you're going to learn to divorce gracefully, sure. But division of labor is obvious. He lives in the MIL suite, you live in the main house with the kids.
I'd hire someone on joint funds to clean and call for delivery on your bad days, keep track on a calendar and keep receipts. It will help prove not only what you can't do for disability but also what your financial needs will be after divorce.

 

June 29, 2022 1:46 pm  #6


Re: He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

Grace1958 wrote:

........I'd hire someone on joint funds to clean and call for delivery on your bad days, keep track on a calendar and keep receipts. It will help prove not only what you can't do for disability but also what your financial needs will be after divorce.

 

Give this woman a medal What a sensibly practical suggestion

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 1, 2022 11:22 pm  #7


Re: He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated

Grace that is an excellent idea!  I didn't even think about it helping my disability case. I have set up a spread sheet and have a spot to note that if I don't order out that I had my daughter make her go too dish I taught her to make.  

I've had a run of very very bad days this week being unable to shake some sort of crud.  I haven't even been out of bed today and going to the bathroom leaves me winded enough to need my oxygen.  But in that its cascaded into mental bad days.  This morning I kept blacking out into paralytic nightmares, in and out for 5 hours, he came in to give me the mail and I told him and he just walked out.  I felt so hurt.  I'm scared because I'm feeling worse than normal and my docs are all out with the holiday....ER I literally will be dragged into kicking and screaming because I have to wait for a special unit due to my issues and all they do is make sure I am not having another PE Or Obstruction and send me away.  Those with chronic pain know what happens if you go into the ER saying you are in agonizing pain, they treat you like a druggie after a fix.

My mom said the same thing about getting a house cleaner too but inflation has been killing our budget I would rather have that money to be able to treat the kids to surprises or a trip to the movies.  My kids are old enough and are very big helps.  They have daily and weekly chores that keep things in check for the most part.  I'm more tempted to figure out someone to handle the yard as he's sorely slacking in that domain (it has always been his) and I had to go and try to do it myself to get him to do it last time.  

Ordering out is a can of worms.  He's still on his blasted body building diet.  He says he's not planning on doing another competition but we are a month out from his last one and I don't see why he's still doing it. TLDR I think he's lying and is planning on doing one.  But Food is a major trigger for him.  The diet is strict and he gets mad and resents if we order in because he can't have it.  Yes, its his choice to do the body building and when he started he said it would be a big deal but now it is.  Even if I'm using my own money I have to ask permission to bring the food in and he is just unpleasant to be around about it, or snaps at me, or I get a text message at 2am telling me I've hurt his feelings and am being unsupportive of his goals.    He'd rather we just have bowel of cereal than order in something that sounds and is better.  It's humiliating when I have a sore throat and want a smoothie or milkshake for it and have to make sure it won't upset him if I get one.  

I realize couples therapy isn't a good name for it anymore.  I guess I should start calling it a joint session.  I need to have a safe place with a safe person that I can bring up some of these issues.  And our next one will be very difficult because I am going to bring up some of these bigger issues.  I have a personal session the next day to help me through the fall out.  My goal is to try to keep my mental health in tact and make sure that things are kept as good as they can for the kids.

He says he loves me as a best friend but how he's treating me doesn't feel that way at all. If he cared for me I feel like me saying things like I've been blacking out would warrant some sort of concern.  He's humiliated and degraded me more in the months since he came out than he did in the 19 years of our marriage before. His Narcissism I feel is preventing him from seeing  the hurt he is causing.  

     Thread Starter
 

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