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June 25, 2022 8:35 am  #1

Never Knew

It's been about 2 months since my wife told me she was gay. We've been together 18yrs and have young children. It is, without doubt, the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. My whole world was completely turned upside down and I lose the person that I love through no choice of my own. It was like someone said here is your new life, deal with it. I've been completely lost and heartbroken, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Thankfully, I feel like I have passed the initial phase of having no hope in my life and, although I'm still on the roller-coaster of being extremely sad and hurt, I'm starting to see that there will be a future and it can be ok. I just have to keep taking things day by day and keep moving forward trying to accept the new reality.

After reading posts for the last couple of days I have a question that may or may not be able to be answered. But this seems like the perfect place to at least try, so...

I genuinely believe that my wife didn't truly know she was gay. Is this being naive? Am I just being blinded by my current situation? She says that parts of her life make sense now in a way that she never even contemplated. To me that says that she didn't actually know and it wasn't something she even considered.

She says that she's just as hurt as I am at this situation, and that this is not something she wants. She's upset at the new situation too because it's means losing our family as we know it and she's devastated.


June 25, 2022 9:21 am  #2

Re: Never Knew

It's not impossible that she never knew, but I do think it's unlikely. You may find that conclusion changes over time. Something not actively considered doesn't mean the interest might not of been there. It may have been dismissed and defined as something else, such as admiring someone's personal style or attitude. My ex went from "I never knew this" to "I always had an interest" in the space of a few years. It may be more important to recognize intent in your relationship. Was it malicious or not?

Of more importance is to keep the focus on the road ahead. There is a future to be had, perhaps not the one you originally envisioned. If she really is devastated at this, you have an opportunity to figure out the future in a fair manner. The key is honest communication, and knowing what sacrifices are too much to ask for, even if the other party volunteers.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

June 25, 2022 11:03 am  #3

Re: Never Knew

Im going through something similar with my wife. It’s been almost 2 yrs and we haven’t done any but grow apart. I truly love her with all my heart and was broken mentally and physically which it took me awhile to get right. I’m not sure if your wife actually knew but sometimes I feel they know but choose to suppress those feelings. In my wife case I found out she did have a girlfriend years ago that she never disclosed to me and that when I look at other things from the past it lines up. I  would have never guessed because she was so strongly against being with women. She seems like a completely different person at times. We have been in separate spaces for awhile and I feel like I only hear from her is when she needs something from me nothing outside of that. Hopefully your able to overcome this period in your life but one thing I would say is spend time focusing on you. This took me awhile to learn cause I spent so much time trying to fix us.


June 25, 2022 5:40 pm  #4

Re: Never Knew

When she says she is just as hurt by the situation as you that sounds to me like she is blame-deflecting - 'don't blame me'.  So the next thing is does she help you take the blame on yourself?

Sometimes the time comes when we need to sort the flyshit from the pepper.

In a sense we are all consequences - the old-fashioned way of putting it was to say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

It is really quite likely she has grown up with a parent in the closet - ie someone pretending to be different to the way they are.  If that is the normal she has grown up with then I guess she could repeat it without thought but that is not to say she doesn't know who it is she feels those flashes of attraction with.   Though yes, I guess it must put you at odds with yourself in some ways, like having children - there are plenty of gay people who say they don't want to be gay.

Last edited by lily (June 25, 2022 5:42 pm)


June 25, 2022 6:00 pm  #5

Re: Never Knew

NZ1177 wrote:

..... She says that parts of her life make sense now in a way that she never even contemplated. To me that says that she didn't actually know and it wasn't something she even considered..,.

The more you concentrate on what she did or didn't know the less you concentrate on the important person in this Mindfuck. That's you NZ1177.
Your love for her, your need to stop your world from changing will hinder your progress. That's a fact, it happens to almost all of us.

We're here to listen


KIA KAHA                       

June 25, 2022 9:59 pm  #6

Re: Never Knew

My husband of 19 years and friend for over 25 told me he'd been questioning things for the last 10 years before our daughter coming out gave him the courage to do so as well.  However, I have overheard him on the phone talking to his parents saying its been 20 years....I can do math.  I have also don't trust what he says now, he was questioning when we got engaged and married and I was never given the choice of having my life demolished.

I do understand that there may be things in their lives that they didn't know how to associate or put a name too, they just knew it was off.  I myself did this with panic attacks for years, it took having one while in the hospital and my monitors going nuts for the nurses to be all that isn't normal this is what it is and allow me to take the steps in managing it.  

but there is that thing with they've had that "something feels off" thing that they chose to hide and now act on.  For me a lot of the emotional damage has been done in the fallout as I find how deep his lies went.  i firmly believe he did something while I was out of down with the kids that was the final triggering event in him coming clean.  So beware of whatever is lurking for her.  

The others are right in make sure you take care of and protect yourself emotionally and mentally.  these are our partners and best friends, we loved them for years, and our gut reaction when they are in pain is to comfort...and in my case a deep rooted desire to fix and make it better for them....not me, them.  Yes, I'm in therapy for that one too but it was conditioned into me from very young.  In the initial fallout I was a wreck and he was going on happy as can be.  But it was once I started to get my bearings and tell people that his happy fantasy of how it would go down stopped happening.  Consequences started happening.  reality set in.  

No matter what path you take get a counselor for yourself.  I know the group is split about couples therapy as we've had varying results.  I am still doing it, however, if he does what he did in our last session I'm done.  But the goal of our couples sessions is supposed to be mediating our separation in the best way for all of us.  

we are here for you.


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