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June 17, 2022 3:23 pm  #1

Where to start?

Like so many of you before me, I do not know where to begin. I just found out that my husband of 20 years has been taking hormone injections for the past 3 months in an effort to transition. I was completely blindsided and at a loss when I started researching pharmacy charges on my HSA card. He says he has been thinking this way for the past 9 years but wasn't sure when he was going to tell me about this move. I feel stupid that I didn't see this coming, I had found bras and ladies clothes in his drawers previously and when I confronted him, he said it was just a fetish. I am a total mess right now and feel hopeless. We have a small child and I worry about how he is going to take this. I love my husband dearly but I just don't know if I can be married to another woman/trans. And I feel horrible because I support the LGBTQ community, but I feel like this isn't what I signed up for.

In talking to him, he makes me feel like I am not being sensitive to his needs, and when I suggested that we as a couple might not make it, he was actually shocked that I wasn't more supportive and understanding.

I keep going back and forth between anger and sadness and I just do not know where to begin. I don't want to walk away from my 20 year marriage but just don't know if I can move past this. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that this is happening, is this even normal?


June 17, 2022 4:51 pm  #2

Re: Where to start?

Dang. That really stinks. 
I'm angry for you that he started hormones without discussing it with you. At the very least there could have been health complications and you should know what meds your partner is taking.
Not all crossdressers transition. So it was perfectly understandable to believe him.
Take a beat. 
Find a therapist (it may take a few tries).
Everything you are feeling is normal from all accounts here, even the shock that you don't automatically accept he will be she. I think that the fluidity of their gender makes it hard for them to understand how we don't see them as the same person. "It's still me!" they say. But it's not. Not really. 
It's ok to not know what you are feeling.
(right there with you from January til recently, and think there still could be hidden dangers)
After a while, with some help from an outside source, you'll work out how you feel about it after the anger and make the decision right for you and your child. 
On the sensible side of things, get your financial house in order, it will give you something to concentrate on. If yours is anything like mine, they go NUTS buying stuff. Once my husband knew I didn't care about the xdressing he spent 10 grand on all manner of clothes, parts, toys. I put all the savings in my name only after that. So keep an eye on things so you'll be ok.


June 17, 2022 9:19 pm  #3

Re: Where to start?

BrokenInVA wrote:

......I keep going back and forth between anger and sadness and I just do not know where to begin. I don't want to walk away from my 20 year marriage but just don't know if I can move past this. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that this is happening, is this even normal?


What you have to remember is that all the embarrassment and shame you feel is because of something your husband has done/is feeling...not you, so before it sends you into confusion and panic remember this does not have to be your life.  Sounds like with the secrecy he's been trying to live another life anyway, or at least preparing to. 
Grace has given you some good advice, especially concerning the finances. If you don't have a bank account of your own...open one. You have a child to take care of and protect

Welcome to our Forum


KIA KAHA                       

June 18, 2022 3:58 am  #4

Re: Where to start?

Wow, I never would have in a million years thought I’d be here.  Especially in 2022, where anything goes and nothing is right or wrong anymore.  I’ve read some stories on here and I relate and sympathize.  I’m heterosexual and my husband was/is bisexual.  I can’t lie and say I never had suspicions because I did.  And I’ve indirectly asked on several occasions and nothing came from it but him yelling and screaming and calling me crazy and not to disrespect him.  I thought he was reestablishing a relationship with his ex a woman.  And I wouldn’t have liked that either. But, my heart is crushed he denied it and denied it.  Until I got a audio voice recorded of my husband and another man.  He couldn’t deny it at that point he wouldn’t speak to me about this.  It drove me insane because I could t stop thinking about it and listening hoping I was going to figure it really wasn’t him.  But it is and I know it.  I’m angry I’ve said a lot of things I meant and didn’t mean.  I told him we needed counseling.  Because he just kept denying it and saying he didn’t want to lose his family.  And tried to make me feel crazy and he didn't want to discuss it.  So I told him the only way I can even speak to him was if we went to counseling.  And the problem was he wasn’t ready to admit or change so I had to walk away.  And that was one of the hardest things I’ve done.  Because he wouldn’t leave me alone.  I made drastic measures to cut him from my life.  And now I’m numb, sad and angry.  Angry that he didn’t love us enough to change and sad that now I have ptsd and don’t trust or even like men now… I’m damaged and o know it.


June 18, 2022 7:31 am  #5

Re: Where to start?

I am so sorry that you find yourself where none of us ever thought that we would be. I was shocked and angry when I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay. He would not admit it. It was a hard choice to make. Take your time making your choice and please know that I am holding a good thought for you.


June 18, 2022 12:45 pm  #6

Re: Where to start?

Thank you!  I really appreciate it…


June 18, 2022 7:02 pm  #7

Re: Where to start?

Hi Mina - this gay in denial thing is just about enough to drive anyone crazy isn't it.  One of the hardest things I found once I'd realised he was lying to me was when I got to the point I had to recognise he would rather have me suffer than be honest with me.  He didn't love me even on that simple human level of care and respect.  

There are a few nice people around - men and women.  but basically it's a pretty mixed up world I think, and worth being a bit careful over.

it's tough isn't it.  In some respects I was surprised at how fast I recovered, but it has been really tough, so look after yourself as much as you can whenever you can.

wishing you all the best, Lily



June 20, 2022 12:34 am  #8

Re: Where to start?

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Like you I never thought I'd be here dealing with this after so many years together but here we are. 

Doing is how I have been coping with my husband coming out as gay.  Researching divorce, separation agreements, and getting our finances separated.  I got my own bank account and re did our budget so we each get the same "allowance" each month for personal use.  My therapist pointed out I didn't need to see what he was doing as a way to help protect myself mentally and emotionally.  I have mostly been socking mine away but he has a very expensive hobby that he now has to pay for with his allowance....and the allowance doesn't cover what he was spending the last few months.  

You will feel all the things and its okay to feel all the things.  Don't blame yourself.  Part of what they do is gaslight.  I get him saying "why aren't you supporting me".   They have built up a fantasy of what it will be like when they come. out.  He likely has a support system of friends you don't know about that are enabling and supporting him.  When reality doesn't line up with the fantasy they lash out.  My therapist says there is an element of selfishness that they have in they are so wrapped up in their own needs and wants that they have no clue in how much they are hurting us.  

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and the kiddo.


June 25, 2022 3:04 pm  #9

Re: Where to start?

BrokeninVA, My heart goes out to you.  I've been there. Your feelings are totally normal: anger, sadness, shame and embarrassment..  I, too, could not be married to another woman.  As far as I'm concerned, changing genders mid-marriage is a total deal-breaker.  These days they should add a little something extra to the wedding vows:  I vow to retain my original style of genitalia until death.  Starting my life over seemed impossibly hard at the time, but it was the right choice for me, even though I loved him with all my heart.  I'm shocked that your husband assumed you'd stay with him while he selfishly destroyed the person you loved and replaced him with someone completely different.  He has absolutely no clue what he's doing to the people he loves.


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