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June 16, 2022 8:52 pm  #1

Should I stay or should I go?

Hi all.

It’s been a few weeks since I discovered my boyfriend’s email responses to men on CL asking to meet up (see “crushed and heartbroken”).

There have been a lot of tears and sadness. The boyfriend is still living with me; I gave him the stipulation of monthly therapy and no phone passwords if we wanted to move forward, however he refuses to give us his password and he only wants to do therapy if we don’t discuss the emails he sent. He had told me that he wasn’t gay, he had only sent those emails because the thought of having sex with another man was a turn on… 1) not sure I know if any straight men that would say the same thing and 2) I think if naked men turn you on, that would insinuate you are at least bisexual?

Anyways, he has denied being gay/ bi and gets super defensive anytime I bring that up.

He tells me that he loves me and wants to try to work through this but obviously I have major trust issues being that this is the second time I’ve found him emailing “DL” men on CL for sex and hooking up.

Is there ANYONE on here who decided to stay and found that their partner completely stopped engaging in all gay activity? Perhaps a couple that chose to stay together and found light at the end of the tunnel? I’m not talking about a MOM… I’m talking a truly straight marriage or relationship after the partner denied everything. Not sure if this is possible, but just curious.

I’m about 90% sure I’m going to leave him, but obviously my heart is struggling as we’ve been together for 5 years now with plans to eventually buy a home together and start a family. Tough to see your life plans fall apart but curious to see if it worked out for anyone or if I should truly run now.


June 16, 2022 9:31 pm  #2

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

I can't speak for everyone, but you are seeing major red flags before you are in too deep. 

My husband of 19 years came out three months ago.   Meaning he's lied to me for the entirety of our marriage and before.  I never caught him communicating with other men, but I did find sex toys that were clearly not being used for us as he hasn't touched me intimately for over a decade.  The first one I left a note on in its hiding place telling him this hurt me and to come talk to me.  The second was found two weeks before he came out, he still doesn't know I found the giant Dil** in his bathroom drawer when I was cleaning.  I was crushed, again, and this toy had me concerned of an affair not gay.   He was also insanely protective of his phone.  Never let me use or see it.  But I would see text messages coming in on his watch at all hours.

All that aside if he were to come to me tomorrow, on bended knee with flowers, jewelry and telling me no he's not gay he was wrong, he wants us to stay married....I would turn him down flat.  Because you already hit the nail on the head.  The trust has been broken.  I now look back at everything and question if he was really doing what he said he was.  I even confronted him and asked if he was really at the gym all those times he said he was...answer "most of the time".  

Once a trust has been broken like that I don't think it can ever truly be healed.  Something I am very mad at him about is even when he was questioning his sexuality he still married me, had kids with me, we bought a house, planned our future, I supported him while he finished school, then I became a SAHM because he would provide the retirement.  And now all of that is in a dumpster fire.  He never gave me the choice of wanting to enter into this life and relationship with him being gay.  And while I would never trade my children for anything, 25 years ago me knowing what I know now might of had a different answer when he asked for my hand in marriage.  

My two cents is if he's not willing to address the big issue in therapy and he is not willing to let you have access to the phone to prove he's not cheating on you with a man or woman.  He's not really interested in changing.  He wants things to stay as they are and he has his cake and gets to eat it too.

Pursue counseling yourself, I have individual and couples going right now.  


June 16, 2022 10:20 pm  #3

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

Meredith wrote:


So you're 90% sure it's over
What is the other 10%....is it the uncertainty you might be wrong?
You know you're not. Get out before he ruins your life


KIA KAHA                       

June 17, 2022 7:04 am  #4

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

Meredith wrote:

he had only sent those emails because the thought of having sex with another man was a turn on… 1) not sure I know if any straight men that would say the same thing

Speaking for myself - not a chance. There's no turn on factor, it's quite the opposite.
Relationships with secrets and trust issues are not healthy.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

June 17, 2022 8:21 am  #5

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

You have a difficult choice to make. I am holding a good thought for you.


June 17, 2022 3:32 pm  #6

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

Meredith, what your boyfriend is is Gay In Denial.  Its a thing.  Denial doesn't mean don't know, it means not telling.  And if he's anything like my ex he will string you along as far as he can get you to go.  

In his defence, he's probably grown up with a GID parent - it's a way of life he was born into for him.

Even if he were capable of stopping all gay sex activities, which he has already demonstrated he can't, it doesn't change who he is or how he feels about sex with women.  If he didn't like the food you cook you could learn how to change the way you cook but you can't change your body. you can't stop being a woman.

He does not view you in a romantic light.  He likes what he gets from being with you - cupboard love.



June 17, 2022 4:40 pm  #7

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also in a way glad you found out before you bought a house or especially before you had kids. My first GXH told me 9 months after my second child was born. I was 21. I had to stay with him for nearly another decade so I'd be ok to raise the kids on my own. It was torture and the joy I should have had with my babies was tarnished. 
Please at least hold off doing the house or kids things. He may get all lovey, propose, say he wants kids right away, all to keep you as a beard and have his life look more traditional to his friends and family.
My current husband is an xdresser with a porn issue who only likes sex:*al activities normally associated with being male on male. . I believe he is bi in denial but so far he has not acted on it (I know where he is alllll the time, he has a heart condition and I'm disabled so we have tracking on each other's phones). He's old, late 60s, so I think that time is passed. I believe that if I let him have his fantasy life and don't give him grief we can manage a MOM for the rest of our time together. Finances and physical disability make me more willing to bend than you need to be.
It's time to start gently separating your finances and your lives.
Please don't do this to yourself unless you are truly, honestly ready to be with a bi man who has outside relationships for the rest of your life. I am not trying to say 5 yrs isn't something to be sad over, but sometimes as the saying goes, someone is in your life for a season, not a lifetime. 
There's someone else waiting to be your lifetime.
Have strength. 
Wishing you peace.


June 17, 2022 6:30 pm  #8

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

lily wrote:

In his defence, he's probably grown up with a GID parent - it's a way of life he was born into for him.

Very interesting that you say that - he had someone growing up that was GID and to this day has never confirmed it, but this person is in a same-sex relationship and they are living together.

I’ve always made jokes that I don’t want to end up like they did but he always shrugs it off..

     Thread Starter

June 17, 2022 8:22 pm  #9

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

there you go - denial at it's finest, no words needed just a dismissive gesture.


June 20, 2022 10:57 am  #10

Re: Should I stay or should I go?

I recently posted on here about my husband coming out as bisexual and since then he has come out as gay, in love with another man and we just decided to divorce. I see the same red flags in your story as I did in my own 12 years ago. I also found Craigslist ads on the computer history and he denied even being bisexual for so many years. I can't say I regret staying though. We have three beautiful children and built an amazing business. However I do want to tell you where this could end up. It will not be an easy road and my guess would be you could end up here as I am. I wish you the very best of luck, I really do ❤️


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