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June 12, 2022 9:38 pm  #1


The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

Coming up on three months out here and his parents are getting into town tonight.  He told them two months ago and they did not take it well.  He and his dad aren't speaking and his mom is determined to sweep it all under the rug and pretend nothing is wrong.  He's a wreck about seeing them in person and part of me feels bad and part of me is in "what did you expect?" mode.

Since he came out to them neither of his parents have reached out or talked to me outside of "Don't run away, stay and do your job, oh and don't tell anyone" via text.

They haven't been back here since before the pandemic, we saw them in October when I surprised everyone with them while on vacation, but tomorrow will be the first time they've all be together with all the kids and grand kids.  I haven't seen his siblings family for over a year due to Covid despite them living close.

And I don't want to go.

I don't want to go into what is going to be a tense and awkward situation.  I don't want to be preached at.  I don't want to have to put on a brave/not devastated face for my kids, I don't want to pretend everything is okay, I don't trust myself not to absolutely break down in front of all of them, I don't want to expose the kids to all of that.  I won't lie, he needs to answer to his parents, he owes them answers just as he owes me, and I don't want to be there for it.  I emotionally can't handle it.  My anxiety is through the roof as it is.  

Those of you who had to stay with your partner for a time after the bomb was dropped.  How did you handle family events like this?

He knows he doesn't have to come to my family functions if he doesn't want too (when he does he's on his phone ignoring everyone anyway).  I have not been offered that same option.  Right now I feel like he's using me as part shield and part security blanket to hopefully keep things in check.  

I do want to make sure the kids get time with their grandparents while they are here.  I would never dream of denying them access.  I just don't want to see them right now.  I'm so angry with them as I am with my husband.  Yes, it was his secret that shattered my life but their response to it has hurt me so deeply.  I should not be expected to play dutiful little wife after so many years of lies and hurt.  

 

June 12, 2022 10:16 pm  #2


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

Agl03 wrote:

 

I wasn't going to post but couldn't help myself.

"the bomb" hasn't dropped in my partner's family yet and I can't remember the age of your children but of course they should see their grandparents. It'll be lovely for your husband to take them by himself because you have decided that you do not want to go. Be upfront, tell him you don't want to go and if he kicks up a fuss...say "either you take them or I do....but we don't go together" Big deep breaths Ag. This family doesn't rule your life, you rule it

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 13, 2022 7:56 am  #3


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

I think that every gay man should be man enough to tell his parents. If they can or will not, the wife should tell them.

 

June 13, 2022 7:58 am  #4


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

They certainly leave a path of destruction..  my in laws love me but I only see them at kids events.

Not sure my GX ever told her parents but I told my father in law.
At some point I stopped going to see them and she just took the kids.

You could take them and have him  stay home..  awkward but works if he so afraid.

You could have him take the kids..and you stay home.   While a new thing now for you he really needs to step up to the plate and own his crap.

You could go and be miserable and ready to blow..I would tell him just that and offer to him to stay home.   If you do go and can get through it in pretend mode you are indeed strong and deserve a prize..   but really helps only him and the kids a little.

Of course if you love your inlaws a lot and they like you then go and throw him under the bus if it comes up. Take 2 cars though and leave before things get
heated..preferably with the kids leaving him there..

Last edited by Rob (June 13, 2022 7:59 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 13, 2022 7:00 pm  #5


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

What Rob said. Go with 2 cars. Do the polite visit thing and leave his butt there to hash it out with his parents.

As for your question about what we did - my first GX never told his parents. I moved away with the kids after the divorce to live where we could afford to live and he moved in with a guy but I think it was don't ask don't tell. I'm sure at some point his mother figured it out but to this day I don't know if his father ever knew before he died.  Not my circus.

 

June 13, 2022 10:24 pm  #6


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

In the end my body made the decision for me and my levels dropped below what is okay for me to head out so I stayed home.  

It seems they went with the pretend nothing is wrong approach but he had a good moment with his mom as he was leaving and he gained her acceptance.  

I'll see them a few times this week but it will be more limited and with more people around.  I'm still anxious about seeing them.  I'm pretty sure I won't be able to hold it together and shouldn't have too either.  

     Thread Starter
 

June 15, 2022 5:28 pm  #7


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

Agl03 wrote:

.... I'm still anxious about seeing them.  I'm pretty sure I won't be able to hold it together and shouldn't have too either.  

If you know you're going to see the in-laws....the time and place....is there somebody who knows your story, and you'd be comfortable with, who could go with you for support?
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 15, 2022 7:26 pm  #8


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

why do you have to keep it together, why not spit the dummy?

I dunno but if you sit in the middle of the living room and burst into tears and say you can't take all this gender bending stuff, he's been mean to you and you don't want to be married to their son any more what would happen?

just asking, I'm not suggesting it's a good idea!

wish you all the best, Lily

 

June 15, 2022 9:22 pm  #9


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

lily wrote:

....I dunno but if you sit in the middle of the living room and burst into tears and say you can't take all this gender bending stuff, he's been mean to you and you don't want to be married to their son any more what would happen?.....

I get the feeling Ag's not ready for that confrontation yet. I've thought about doing something 'out of the box' myself...
like having a convo with my partner's brother who was married (no longer) to a lesbian who came out.....but there's  always been hesitancy. Like...that's a whole possible shitshow when you breach those polite lines and it may be something once said that may start a ball rolling that becomes uncontrollable. I'd want to be certain *I* was prepared for any backlash, and ready with answers.

I will admit..the thought of Ag  in the middle of the living room and bursting into tears and expressing what she truly feels has a kind of Wow you did it! appeal
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 16, 2022 12:03 am  #10


Re: The In Laws are coming....I don't want to face them.

I've seen them a few times now and it seems we've found a balance.  They still have questions and aren't thrilled with things but love him and me.  I had a nice talk with them tonight and I know they are still here for me as well and they thanked me for being so good to their son when a lot of other people wouldn't have.  There is absolutely a long way to go but for now I'm okay with where things are at with them for now.

Trust me if I wanted to make a scene I would.  A big thing for me in all of this is making sure our relationship at the very least remains friendly and both of our relationships with out kids remains good.  We will have to co parent them and will be in each other's lives for a very long time from now.

I met with my counselor today as well so I was able to do an emotional venting if you will.  She said she was very proud of where I am at right now and that I am aware of issues that I used to either put on myself.  

     Thread Starter
 

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